Hyunjin looked into felix's eyes after felix kissed him, hyunjin's hand slid up on felix's tiny waist and he noticed that felix was actually sensitive to touch. Hyunjin didn't want to stop in that moment but he had to force himself to.
"I think it's late...will it be okay if i leave now?" Hyunjin spoke while tucking felix's hair behind the ear
"I don't want you to..." felix spoke as he looked away sadly
"Hey, don't be upset...I'm sorry for leaving like this...i want to stay...really, but i can't.." hyunjin responded
"It's fine..." felix spoke lowly as he got up
"I had fun with you" felix spoke looking overwhelmed
"Yeah me too.." hyunjin smiled
"I'll see you in school.." hyunjin spoke as he picked up his stuff and umbrella
"Will you be okay on the way back?" Felix asked in a worry
"Yeah, I'll be fine...don't worry and stay in.." hyunjin spoke as he hugged felix goodbye
"Let me walk you out" felix spoke
"And don't get sick" felix spoke being visibly upset
After the departure, hyunjin managed to reach home in the bad weather conditions, as he entered his house, his loving dog came running to him and hyunjin petted him gently.
"Did you miss me?" Hyunjin asked his dog while his dog stuck his tongue out as he was happy to see him
"Want a treat?" Hyunjin spoke as the dog wagged his tail
"Wait" hyunjin spoke as he gave him the treat
"Eat" hyunjin spoke after a while as the dog obeyed and ate the treat
"Tough day..." hyunjin sighed
"I felt good...but.." hyunjin spoke
"I managed to find this.." hyunjin spoke to himself as he put his hand in his pocket
Hyunjin pulled out a hand sized diary from his pocket that he had found under felix's pillow, while he wasn't around.
"Is it bad that i brought it with me? But there was not other way...I'll just make some excuse." hyunjin spoke to himself
"I wanted to read it...i could only take a glimpse, he definitely wrote stuff in this diary" hyunjin thought
"I'm sorry felix...I'll put it back if i get the chance.." hyunjin spoke as he looked at the black diary
"It had no lock on it like some other notebooks i saw on his table...i couldn't take them or read anything else..." hyunjin spoke to himself
Hyunjin sat on his sofa and opened the dairy curiously, suddenly his phone vibrated as he had received a message from felix.
The message read -
'Did you get home safe? You left your scarf here...I'll bring it to you tomorrow..'
'Yeah I'm home...don't bother with the scarf..you can have it if you want, you'll look better in it..'
Hyunjin responded
Hyunjin didn't get any reply from felix any sooner, so he opened the diary to read it. He didn't like the idea of doing this but he had to.
The diary was neat from outside but the first page was filled with scribbles. The only thing he could read was "stay in" written crookedly.
"What is this.." hyunjin thought to himself as he turned the page
To his surprise, felix had written about his feelings on the page as hyunjin saw his neat handwriting. Hyunjin started to read it and was surprised.
It wrote-
I might fuck it up, i might not get another chance so i gotta take it...I'm helpless.
I cant stop myself i just can't...
Why can't anyone understand...
I cant keep up like this..
Next page wrote-
What the hell did i even do...i keep messing up..
I can't keep up..but i try...i try so hard..is it not enough?
Seriously I'm tired and sick of this,
Will this ever end?
"What is he talking about.." hyunjin spoke to himself in a worry
The next page wrote-
I hide i hide i hide..i don't hide..
Dissapointment, dissappearing
It's disappeared...what do i do now
I can't feel it anymore
I cried today
The next page wrote-
I am in love...with you..
Can you even see it? I don't think so..
You can't see it..i hate it...i hate it..
"Is he..talking about me...? There's no time or date written.." Hyunjin spoke to himself
The next page shocked hyunjin which wrote-
Listen...I'm hoping I'm just hoping..
Who's fault is it? You just can't get this shit right felix...please..just get it together...you can't let him down
Hyunjin please be mine..fucks sake..
"What the..." hyunjin spoke to himself as he felt unsettled
"No, this is my choice...i can't back down..i know i feel weird...but i have no regrets any longer...i gotta understand him..in order to love him better.." hyunjin spoke to himself
Hyunjin was hesitant to read the next page but he turned the page which wrote-
I'm going to kill it...anything that comes inbetween
Dad hates me .. he hates me so much
But i don't like him either..he hates me liking guys..
I feel like killing it..
Hyunjin felt a chill down his spine as he started to understand more, he felt guilty to be reading this but he couldn't stop now as he came too far.
"If felix..finds out...will it effect our relationship? No..I'd reason with him...but...i didn't ask him anything...he did tell me to, did i fuck up?" hyunjin thought being stressed
The next page hyunjin was about to read was about to shock him more.
It was the last page that felix had written in and nothing after that, it wrote-
You know you're mine...you see this don't you?
You're reading this right now aren't you?
Do you feel sad? What do you feel?
Can you really love someone like me..
I can't do this..please dont leave me
Hyunjin just sat there in shock for a while, he knew it was for him. Hyunjin couldn't understand the complexity of felix's feelings and thoughts but it was too intense and deep.
"What the fuck...felix...he knew...he...kept this there on purpose, he wanted me to take this...he wanted me to read it.." hyunjin spoke in utter disbelief
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