Coward {A Ziall Fan Fic}

Chapter 6

Is this how it feels? I never knew until my eyes finally opened.

Is this how it feels? I don't quite know but the thoughts are uncertain.

Is this how it feels? If it is, I don't ever want it to go away.

I feel like the four letters aren't worthy enough. It's such a meaningless word. On the other hand, it's power is like a thousand punches.

The four letters don't mean much to you. But to me, it's my whole life. 

Not sure how you'll find out. I hope you never find out. And if you don't find out, how will you ever know?

I'm opening my mouth to shout. To scream. To let all the unworthiness out. But no words are escaping. No feelings are decreasing. It's all too much.

This is all so sudden. You just came into my life. Your perfection dove underneath my cold skin, reaching my dull heart. You used all your might, all your power to make it whole again. My heart is beating rapidly. Most importantly. . .it's beating for you.

I don't quite know how to say how I feel. Those three little words are said too much.

It's not enough. No. . . it's not enough.

I feel like everything you've done for the little amount of time made me my own person.

You've made me myself.

You've made me new.

You've made me speechless.

You've made me thankful.

You've made me fall out of love with myself,

And made me fall in love with you. 

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I place my pencil down and reread the poem I just wrote.

This is the most emotional I've gotten. I don't even know what happened. I just took out a piece of paper, and wrote. I wrote my heart and soul. And yet, I still feel empty. What's making me crave like this? It's just too confusing. 

What's there to do on a Saturday morning? Most people my age go to hang out with friends, but unlike me I don't get invited anywhere. I would invite Liam somewhere but on Saturdays he goes out with his girlfriend Danielle, because Saturday is the only day she has time to be with him.

Must be strange, to have a love like theirs. If anyone every found out they would have to stop seeing each other, but they wouldn't stop loving each other. They know the consequences of them dating, but they do it anyways. He's so in love, and I can tell he is too.

I know because I asked him during the end of lunch yesterday. I asked him how was it like to be in love. He blushed and became a little shy, but when I looked into his eyes I could tell that he was hopelessly in love with Danielle. He just became a little pale but then he focused real hard while staring into my eyes, and just whispered,

"Amazing. It's just amazing."

I believed him, because it is pretty amazing to be in love. Hence me being in love with Niall.

But it's hard knowing that you might never be loved back. Maybe that's the reason why I've stayed far from dating, and never really get close to anyone. 

But Niall came along, and everything changed. I don't know, maybe this happened too fast. Actually, it did. I might not even be gay! I don't think I've ever been gay. Maybe just bi? Maybe, possibly, I don't know.