You and me, with an entire world between us

CHAPTER EIGHT

TRIGGER WARING :
PANIC ATTACK

While Violet and I walk back to the entrance, I notice her shaky hands and breath.

It seems like she's nervous, but why?

She would tell me if she had a problem with horses, right?

When you think about it, she doesn't even really know me, so why should she tell me?

Maybe it'll settle, maybe she'll be more confident when we are outside and on top of the horses.

Standing in front of the hooks, I grad Honeybees saddle and reach it out to Violet so she can take it, while I grab Lilacs saddle.

„Okay, now that we have those, we can go back to the horses and put them on." I say and lead the way back to the horses, Violet following me.

I instruct Violet how to put on the saddle and the we guide the horses out onto the field, the targets gone from the morning.

„Okay, I'm gonna now show you the easiest way to get onto the horse so you don't make it to difficult for yourself." I tell her and she just nods.

It's weird that she's been so quiet most of the time we've been here.

Leaves me a bit worried if i'm being honest.

You can do this, you know you can.

Then why am I so nervous?

You know why.

Yeah, I do.

I watch Jaren hop onto the horse so smooth, so that you directly know that he's done it a thousand times.

While he jumps back down, I turn to Honeybee and make my way to the saddle.

„Don't be frightened, I'm right behind you, so nothing can happen, and if you fall, I will catch you okay?" he says and I just nod again.

I take a few deep breaths before climbing onto the horse.

I did it. I DID IT!

Or so I thought.

After sitting on the saddle for a minute I noticed that I'm not really excited, I just keep getting more scared.

My breath turns quicker and my heartbeat picks up.

My hands start to shake uncontrollably and I can feel my chest getting tighter by the second.

I try to get so air in my lungs but it feels like the oxygen has just been cut off.

Everything is starting to close in on me and my sight starts to get blurry by the tears building.

„Violet? Are you okay?" I hear Jaren ask.

„I-i can't." I say between breaths.

„You can't what?"

„Breathe." I hear myself say.

„Violet, I know it's a dumb question, but are you having a panic attack right now?"

I just nod.

Of course I have to get a panic attack now, first the argument with Paige and now this.

I feel hot tears running down my cheeks.

„Okay, first let me get you out of the saddle." I don't know how he does it, but somehow Jaren manages to lift me out of the saddle.

After he got me out of the saddle, he tucks me against his chest and walks away from the horses.

When we are far away from the horses, he sits down onto the grass and puts me right onto his lap.

„Violet, I want you to listen to me, can you do that?" He ask and I nod again.

„Good, I want you to take deep breaths in and then deep breaths out, and that's going to be the only thing you focus on, or if it helps you, you can put your hands onto my heart or yours and feel that while you breath." he says calmly and I put my hands onto his heart.

For five minutes we just sit there, me on his lap with my hands on his heart, while I try to focus on my breathing.

After a while I can feel my breath getting more even and my heartbeat starts to slow down.

„Better?" Jaren whispers.

„Yeah." I mumble.

„Good, I'm going to call my bodyguard real quick, so he can put the horses back into their stable, while I'm going to carry you up to your room." he tells me, leaving no room for me to argue.

I close my eyes, focusing on my breath and put my head on his chest, while he takes his phone out to call his bodyguard.

A few minutes later he puts his phone away and stands up, with me still in his arms.

While one of his hand is rubbing up and down my back he says, „I've got a quick change of plans, I'm going to take up to my room, because the elevator is connected so it goes straight to my room and it'll be easier for me to get you up there.
You don't have to do anything, just stay like this, focus on your breath and we talk when we're back in my room, okay?"

Keeping my eyes closed, I can sense Jaren walking but I don't really pay attention to anything else other than his heartbeat under my ear.

What am I going to do, I can't work like this.

But I also can't go to dinner that way.

I'm such a mess. I've never should've accepted Jaren's offer.

Why did I think I could do this.

„Everything's okay, I'm going to get you up to my room safely and you stay there until the rest of the day. You don't have to worry about dinner, I'm going to stay with you up there so no one will even wonder why you're not day. You're going to be alright, princess." Jaren reassures me, like he just heard my thoughts.

I can feel silent tears running down my cheeks while he continues to walk me towards the elevator.

Why am I such a mess?