funeral boy

it starts here

"Hey, sorry about that kid dying, the one you were close to?" Derek attempted to speak to me after he sat smoking in silence. He offered me a cigarette but my stomach only churned at the thought, so I declined. "Must fucking suck."

"Yeah, well, sorry won't bring him back." And then we sat in silence again. I stood up from my seat, dusting off my jeans before turning to Derek and Molly and sighing. The two looked up at me.

Molly put out her cigarette and nodded at me, saying: "Your jacket is gone."

As I rummaged through my jean pockets for some money I mustered out a, "I hadn't noticed, thanks." And then I smiled sarcastically, glancing up at her before I continued my grand search for a five dollar bill.

Molly, however, was not having it. "Well?" She asked, assuming I would know what the hell her well was referring to, when in reality, I did not.

"Well, what?" I questioned, and by the tone of my voice it was easy to tell I was growing frustrated with the fake blonde. Derek eyed the two of us carefully, making sure that I wasn't going to throw a punch like I had weeks before.

"Where'd it go?" Molly questioned, a smirk placed delicately on her lips. I wasn't going to let her get to me. I pursed my lips and dropped my hands to my sides.

I said: "Got rid of it. Sometimes you just need change."

"Not with that jacket. That jacket was your life-"

"Yeah? Well now it's gone." My heart felt heavy in my chest. "Sometimes things just disappear and you have to learn to get used to it. I'm going for a walk." And I turned on my heel and left them in the dust. That was one of the last times I had ever hung out with Derek and Molly. I moved onto to bigger and better friends.

I spotted Tony sitting at a table with Jonah, both ditching last period science. "Shouldn't you two be in class?" I asked, sneaking up behind them with a small grin on my face. Jonah blew some of the smoke from his cigarette in my face. "Watch it! Don't forget I put dinner on the table."

Jonah shook his head as a soft chuckle escaped his lips. "What're you doing here, Grace?" Jonah's voice was scratchy, due to the unbelievably freezing weather. The transitions from autumn to winter were always the worst.

I sighed. "I'm asking myself the same question."

"Hey, Grace, can I ask you something?" Tony interrupted, his cigarette resting in the corner of his mouth as he spoke. I nodded at him, and he took his cigarette from where it was sitting and put in between his index and middle finger, dusting off some of the excess ash from the butt. "What're you going to do after this place?"

That wasn't a question I was prepared to answer. The last time I was asked that question it was 2 AM and I was sitting in the booth at Dairy Queen with Shawn. I tried not to think about it. "Well," I started, "I'm going to get a full time job so I can take care of you guys and the rest of them. Don't be stupid, Tony."

And as Tony looked out at the school building he bit his lip. Tony's hands were grasping each other, both desperate to feel some heat from the cold. "Go to college, Gracie."

"And who's going to take care of you guys? Pay the bills?"

"We've got it under control. I'll do everything, just please don't fuck up your future because of us."

I looked at Tony as he took a drag from his cigarette. I shook my head. "I can't go to college, Tony."

"And why the fuck not?"

"Where's the money going to come from? Huh? Do you even know how expensive college is?"

"Get a scholarship."

"Are you out of your mind? How the hell am I supposed to get a scholarship?"

"We'll figure something out." I didn't want to go to college. I didn't want to leave my family. I didn't want to be alone.

"Jonah, how's your job at the grocery store going?" I asked, looking at my younger brother as he smoked the last of his cigarette.

"Could be better. But money's money." Jonah paused, looking over at me with curious eyes. "You haven't talked about your pay lately, everything okay with you?"

I brought my hands up to my mouth and blew some hot air onto them. "I quit."

"What the fuck?" Tony said, standing up from his seat on the picnic bench. "Why the fuck would you quit? That's where most of our money came from, Gracie. For fuck's sake."

"I-I couldn't do it." Tears welled up in my eyes and I brought a hand to my forehead, as if it would ease the sudden pain shooting through my cranium. "I couldn't do it anymore. I'm so fucked up. Oh my God, what was I thinking? I quit my fucking job for a selfish reason and now-"

"Grace, listen, it's fine. Tony overreacted."

I nodded to Jonah as tears fell down my cheeks. "Don't be mad at me, Tony, I just feel so guilty! I can't just give myself to anybody after--" My words halted and my hands trembled, thoughts of Shawn consuming me. Memories of the two of us resurfaced, like how my breathing was irregular as Shawn towered over my body and how I had so gently tainted his skin with affection.

I didn't want to think about him. I didn't want to think about how I received a phone call from Shawn's dad at four AM and I didn't want to think about how on Shawn's last night he asked me to lie with him. And I didn't want to think about how fast he went from being my garden boy, to being my funeral boy.

He knew he was going to die, that's why he asked me to lie with him. That's why he came to me, so I could tell him not to do it, and maybe if I hadn't ignored him when he said he wanted to die then he would still be here. I was so sure it was all my fault.

"Gracie, his death wasn't on you, okay?" Tony spoke up.

"I could have told him not to, Tony. I could have done something fucking useful for once."

"You didn't know he was gonna die!" Tears streamed down my face and I quickly wiped them all away with the back of my hand. "You've got to stop acting so strong. It's killing you, sis." And then I cried. We left school to go home. Jonah ran me a bath. Tony made me soup. When Lucas came home he told me not to worry, and that crying didn't make me a pussy. Debs and Lace gave me their favorite toys, saying the stuffed animals were the company Shawn would have given me.

For once in my life I didn't feel like I had to fend for myself. It was when my hair was being braided by my little sisters and the boys were stealing the neighbor's TV from her lawn, that I realized I was important. And I didn't know anything about the future. But I did know I was going to work for my scholarship.

I was going to college.

one more chapter and then a bonus chapter because I love u
coming down is my jam
with his educated eyes and his head between my thighs

Halsey is my mom
there is a physical copy of funeral boy  it's in book form and I am happy with it beep beep
comment because I'm your mother
luv u
vote n stuff!!!!! bye lovelies