funeral boy

empty hearts

Three days later Shawn was found hanging by a rope to the ceiling fan in his bedroom.

And I always thought that my father's beatings were beyond painful, that the bruises he left would taint my skin forever and poison my life for all eternity. I thought my mother's mistakes would cause my heart to ache until the hair on my head was gray.

But losing Shawn was hands down the most unbearable pain I have ever suffered. And it hurt. And it still hurts.

I'm not sure it'll ever stop.

Mr. Mendes had people over to give him their blessings and talk about how wonderful Shawn was. Shawn's father was awful- he didn't care about Shawn at all, and it made me mad how he was accepting the sympathy from his friends and coworkers.

The only reason I was invited over was because Shawn had some of my things. Now that Mr. Mendes' son was dead he had no reason to be nice to me.

As I was collecting my things from Shawn's room I didn't cry. Looking at his belongings didn't make me sad. It made me feel closer to him, if anything. "Are you almost done?" Shawn's dad's voice filled my ears as I continued to pile up my shirts and hair ties.

I didn't reply to Mr. Mendes. Only finished up quietly and bumped shoulders with him once I left. Words couldn't begin to describe what I wanted to do to that man.

On my way out I realized there was a pastor standing by the picture of Shawn in the living room. The pastor had his hands all over the frame and looked down at Shawn questioningly. "Hi." I said to him, causing the pastor to rip his gaze from the photo onto the teenage girl standing in front of him. The pastor placed the photo back into it's place.

"Y-You're the pastor, right? For the church like ten blocks from here?"

The main raised an eyebrow at me, nodding slightly as if I had offended him in some way. Perhaps he was so disturbed because my lack of knowledge on addressing a pastor. "That would be me, yes, Reverend Amos."

"R-Right, Reverend Amos. Uh, w-when's the funeral? Shawn's funeral, I mean."

"Oh. And who might you be?"

"I'm Gracie Adler."

"Allow me to check the list I was given." It took the Reverend a few seconds to search through the list he was given. He turned back to me with a frown. "You're not invited, I'm afraid."

"What?"

"You weren't on the list Shawn's father gave me."

"T-There must be some kind of mistake- I was Shawn's best friend-"

"And I'm telling you again, Miss Adler, you're not on the list."

And that's how I missed my best friend's funeral. I was still there, thirty feet away, sitting on an old hill and watching them lower his casket. I didn't cry. I stared at his father and wanted to shout at him: "You didn't even care about him, I always cared!" But I didn't. I bit my tongue and sat absent on Shawn's funeral.

My box of cigarettes weren't calling to me like they usually were. I felt empty. It literally felt as if someone had taken my heart out of my chest and drained everything- I couldn't feel. But quite frankly, I preferred it that way.

After the service everybody left except his dad. I eyed him from my spot on the hill and resisted the urge to shove both my middle fingers in the air, furiously screaming curse words at that awful man. Mr. Mendes scowled at me. I did nothing.

When Shawn's dad left is when I approached Shawn's grave. I was rubbing my mouth and staring down at the dirt and I wanted to break in that moment. Tears pricked at my eyes and terrible thoughts consumed my mind.

I sat down in the rain near his grave and looked at his plaque. I didn't say anything for the hour I sat by him. And then when it was time to go, I stood, pulled my cigarette box out of my pockets and tossed it at him.

"There's your cigarette, garden boy." And I went home. And I sat in bed. And my siblings asked me if I was okay, so I turned to them and smiled, nodding my head, replying: "Why wouldn't I be okay?" Still I did not cry.

By the time it was time for dinner I only felt complete and utter emptiness. My siblings thought I couldn't hear them crowding around my bedroom door, but I could. And they were only speaking of how to approach me- what to say and how to act, when I didn't want anything to change at all.

"Hey, Gracie," Tony's voice echoed in the hallway outside my bedroom. He knocked lightly on my door as I cuddled further into my covers. "We, uh, ordered dinner a while ago. Do you want the last slice of pizza?" And I sat up in my bed at the desperation so obviously in my brother's voice. I looked at him and smiled.

"No, you guys have it. I'll eat something later." Tony nodded, giving me a tiny sympathy smile before shutting the door to my bedroom again.

I never did eat dinner that night.

ITS BEEN A WEEK I HAVE MY PHONE ENJOY THIS UPDATE MY BABIES
I LOVE YOU ALL

no Polaroid this chapter because I only have limited time on my phone!!! I'll put it up later
bye leave me nice comments ily!!