How Jesus Christ voiced the Lorax

Listen to my tragic tale

Hello, I am Christ, I speak for the Lorax, speaker of the trees. And my life is kinda crazy.

So first of all, one of my besties (Judas), dared to betray me at a dinner party that I organised an paid for myself. Not only that, but my dad isn't even my dad, yeah, it turns out my mum got probed by some rando called 'Sky Daddy'.

Not long after that, everybody in my village started to hate my guts, and for what? Anyways, they went and stabbed me onto a giant 'T' as the rest of them cheered, like what the fuck guys? How dare you. Once they finished, they abandoned me in a cave and covered the entrance with a boulder. It's alright though, because like the baddie I am, I pulled through this tragedy, and used the magic powers of mitosis. In short, I shattered that boulder to pieces and left those toxic ass bitches in the dirt where they belong.

And now I'm here.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention, that bitch who betrayed me fucking stole my hairstyle, my messy bun. My precious. #IdentityTheft

So rude of him.

Anyway, now I have to live like a peasant, all because Sky Daddy doesn't want to pay child support, because I didn't 'spread the word', like daddy chill.

So now I have to change my name, personally, I think Danny DeVito sound cool. After this, it's time to get a job, ew, never thought I was ever going to say a sentence before in my life. Maybe a job will be easy for me to find so I don't end up anymore broke than I am already with no choice but to live on the streets.

Luckily, the search for a job didn't take too long, I found a job at being a voice actor for this film called 'The Lorax', it sounds like a weird one, but beggars can't be choosers. I just gotta deal with whatever job I can get to live a stable life. The only thing stable about me.

What they failed to tell me though, is what the lorax actually looked like, bitch looks like a fuzzy wotsit, and I wish I was just being my dramatic self, but no, really, nothing in that movie makes sense, like, some 12 year old goes to look for a tree, potentially getting in trouble with a big corporation because he's a simp? Not a good starting plot but honestly, whatever pays the bills, I guess.

I won't lie, it's a genuine surprise that this film became as famous as it did, but not even for it being a good film, but for the shits and giggles. They didn't even appreciate the main point of the movie, but for that stupid song about growing a tree, like how depressed do you have to be if you're happy about watching a plant grow.

Maybe Sky Daddy should delete world, it's not in the best place right now. Just restart humanity, somehow, they got messed up, I don't know when or how, but those dumb bitches are. Maybe they should get therapy, it might stop half of the problems they talk about.

But then the sky business would get overcrowded...hmm

Let them suffer.

Not my problem to deal with, why should I bother? That can be an issue for later, they'll be fine.

On another note, these humans semmed to have worshipped other Sky Parental Figures, how fucking dare they? Those bitches. Their stories aren't even consistent, at least my story is damn well consistent and hasn't changed, at least I hope so. That would not be good for marketing if it has. Damn, the problems with language barriers, but I suppose it can't be helped.

It won't stop me from having my main character moment, I already fit the part with my very upsetting backstory, my messy bun and overall, not being like other people. Maybe if I'm lucky, Sky Daddy will sell me off to a famous boy band or a mafia boss (because I can change him).

Sky Daddy must hear about this.