Dear Diary

Feb. 7th 2024

Dear Diary,

                Today I want to talk about friendships; because, it has been resting on my heart and I want to get your opinions.
This is more about toxic friendships.

First: What is a good friendship?
- Someone who has your back
- Someone who up talks you to you and behind your back
- Someone who uplifts you when your down
- Someone who celebrates your achievements with you
- Someone who wants the best for you
There are more, but I think we can understand that a friendship is someone that is loving and caring and is a true friend. I think we should all surround our selfs with Woman that supports us and loves us. It is okay to have disagreements with one another and it is normal to have small arguments. With that said I will move on to the next question.

What is a toxic friendship?
- Someone who cuts you down
- Someone who tries to compete with you
- Someone who copy's you
- Someone who makes you feel bad about yourself
- Someone who makes you feel anxious or stressed just being around
There is definitely a long list on what a toxic friendship is. It is the opposite of a true friendship. That's why people in our lives tells us that it is very difficult to find a true best friend or a true friendship. I never understood that until I got out of my toxic friendship.
After my toxic friend moved I thought the world was over I truly thought this person was my friend and I even though she was a good friend despite about all the times she made me feel like complete trash. I do have three amazing friends now that I truly believe God blessed me with. I love them like family truly. But I will share my story with this one toxic friendship I had and I hope this will help someone else out there and help them see what I couldn't see well I was in this friendship.

The beginning in 2011
    I started middle school it was the first time I was away from everyone I knew. It felt like it was big change, I was in 7th grade. I had long chestnut brown hair that went to my bellybutton. Pin straight with strands that I would let fall in my face. If you can think of Violet from the Incredibles that is very accurate on how I wore my hair. I also had glasses, and I would always wear black (That will be part of a different story)
When I started middle school I was still in special ed. I have a learning disability, I have dyslexia. Since I was in special ed it made it difficult to meet other students and if I told someone they would look at me like I had a disease or something. It made me feel very insecure. I felt very ashamed for having to be in those classes. Close to the end of 7th grade a girl started riding my city bus. She wore khaki pants. Polo shirt and black gloves with holes her finger went through and she had big curly beautiful hair. I wanted to be her friend I could truly feel it. I felt like we were both odd and I just wanted to be her friend.

The next year came it was 2012
I had two friends now that I would ride with on the city bus they were in 7th grade and I was in 8th grade. My style become more artsy/grungy I guess one could say. I got contacts, so people could see my grayish blue eyes, I even dyed my hair red like Cat Valentines from Victorious. I even got a hair cut and my eyebrows waxed before school started. I played with my hair a lot with French braids, buns with paint brushes or pencils, I even wore a hair clip to make cute ponytails. I would tease my hair, so I could look like a scene kid.
I did lots of different things to it, but most of the time my hair looked like this.

My hair would fade very fast, so it would always end up looking like this. I remember wearing this red coat all the time. I stopped when I saw a kid getting bullied for wearing their sweater or jacket like every day. I was scared to get more bullied then I already had. If you are interested in hearing about that story I can tell you more one day.
This is how I looked though when I meant this girl.

(I am going to change everyone's names for the sack of this story and the fact that this is public.)

Ashely started wearing black. A lot different from the khaki pants that I saw on her the year before. I noticed she had straighten her hair and and looked more gothic. I liked it. It made want to be her friend even more.
I was into horror movies, scary story's, emo art. Plus I was trying to be a scene kid and as you seen from the picture above that was never achieved.
When I saw her on the city bus that morning she was sitting alone close towards my friends and I. I was with my friends Clare and Keisha's it was their first day of middle school. I was telling them about the teachers and the layout of the school. I was excited for myself this year cause I told myself I will try my best into making new friendships. I did make some in 7th grade, and to them I am very grateful for.
Yet, I wanted friends I could hangout with. Like the ones I had on the city bus with me that morning. They were from my neighborhood and I already new them from my area I felt safer having something familiar. I think in the end that was my down fall was wanting to keep something familiar in my life during these years.
Always Keisha and Clare were being very loud. I thought this is my chance to go over to Ashely. I did.
I walked over to Ashely and I apologized on behave of my friends for being too loud. I explained that they were excited and that is why they were being so loud. I guess that was my way of trying to break the ice. I wanted to talk to her last year, but I didn't have enough courage to do so, until that moment. Ashely said,
"It's okay."
I smiled as if I was satisfied with that answered then walked back over to my friends. Clare and Keisha. When we got to the school we ended up going our separate ways. I went to each class just fine; because, I was familiar with the layout. When I ended in my art class I saw Ashely there. She was sitting across from me. Not right across but two tables away, but I could see her. I was sitting next to this very sweet girl and God I wish I stayed her friend.