When All Hell Breaks Loose

Week Four: Looking Forward - Ryusei

Ryusei had not heard from Sae since he'd liked his photo the previous week. And while, yes, it was technically against the rules, he'd be lying if he said he wasn't surprised. Maybe it was a little delusional, maybe a little too hopeful for their circumstances, but he'd kind of thought Sae would like the photo, let the tension and wanting foster a little, and then slide into his text message inbox with a message that began with I know we're not supposed to be talking, but... and maybe it would even finish with Ryusei, I need to see you, and then they would meet up under the guise of "just talking", but they wouldn't be able to keep their hands off of each other and they'd fuck for the first time in – oh god, had it been almost a year already? – and they'd email Saichi and say thanks, you've been a gem, but we're good now. Everything would go back to the way it was and things would be perfect until the rest of forever.

But maybe that was exactly the kind of thing Saichi was talking about.

In reality, Ryusei had heard from everyone but Sae. Which was fine. Everyone was still talking about them, but it was worlds better than when the divorce allegations were all anyone could talk about. Instead, they were talking about his risqué new picture and how it squashed the divorce allegations. His friends were quick to pat him on the back, either out of sincerity or pity, and his professional team was quick to tell him that he'd done well, but, you know, don't overdo it.

Not that he really cared about any of that. None of it mattered. All he could feel was Sae's absence.

He'd been trying to do his homework, but he struggled. Everything in his mind really was all jumbled up. He had bits and pieces of memories, but as soon as he even started to put fragments to paper, they escaped him, or they became something else entirely, or he'd realize, yes, that did happen, but we weren't in Spain, not at all, we were walking along the coast in France when we'd had that fight, how could he have forgotten? Yes, he had said that, and Sae had said that, but those two things hadn't existed in the same conversation. They'd been said six months apart from each other. Why had he thought one had been in response to the other?

Eventually, he scribbled over the entire journal page and simply written: all I think about is Sae and all Sae thinks about is himself, no wonder we're fucked and slammed the thing closed.

He wasn't very good with the past, but the future, he was comfortable with. It was all a blank slate. A canvas waiting to be painted over. Nothing to jumble up and misremember. Just him and his daydreams. And because he was a special boy, he knew what challenge was coming, so that's where he decided to dedicate his time. They'd fucked up, both of them, in more ways than they could remember, but Ryusei could wash all of that away and decide how he wanted to move forward. He would be the star pupil. Preparing instead of reacting.

He wanted to think about himself a little more. Like anything Saichi ever handed him, it was good advice. He may not be able to remember it properly enough to trace one event to another in a nice, cohesive timeline, but he knew even in his day to day that he didn't think much about himself or his own wants or his own needs. He could see it in the way he woke up whenever the hell he wanted, scrolled on his phone, checking his email and Sae's socials obsessively, until he got the first whisper of a headache, and only then did he drag himself out of bed to undergo the most basic amount of self care. Which sometimes consisted of splashing water on his face, mouthwash, five jumping jacks in front of the mirror, and shoving his body into whatever clothes were clean and available.

"You didn't used to be like this," he scolded himself in the mirror.

And as soon as those words were audible and out in the open, he realized in a very concrete way that it was true.