The Process

Eleven

I hate hating myself. I feel like a stupid cliché, like a pick me, like a wanna be when I say I hate myself. I don't say it much, because I don't want people to tell me not to hate myself, I don't want people to tell me I'm great. I don't say it because I don't want to sound stupid. I don't say it because I don't want people to think I'm starting to spiral again or something. 

I don't say it, but sometimes I think it. Sometimes, when I'm alone with my thoughts I think about everything I've ever did wrong. And I hate myself for it. I think of every time I messed something up, or missed out on something and I hate myself for it. If I really think hard enough I realize that I always feel like something about me is missing, and then I think about all the things about me that could be missing, or that maybe need to be changed. Then, I think about how much I hate myself. 

I don't say it, but sometimes I feel it. It's like a burning pit in my stomach and my body wants to run, but I know I can't run from myself. I feel like everything I do is selfish and awful and I feel the hatred I have for everyone and everything and I know that it's really just a hatred I have for myself. I feel as if I'm my own worst enemy. 

Sometimes stuff triggers this deep hatred. An argument with a friend, when I say something I know I shouldn't have, or even silly stuff like a movie that hits different or when I watch all my friends get hit on at a bar and I know that even though they'll never admit it, I'm the duff of the group. Stuff like this triggers my hatred for myself. Stupid stuff, like anytime I eat all I want to do afterwards is rip my skin and fat away from my body and leave myself naked and bare and alone. I hate myself. 

I know I shouldn't say these things, and that if I ever spoke these words out loud people would think I'm crazy. People would say I need to not think this way, that I'm beautiful, that I'm great just the way I am, that nobody thinks I'm the duff or that I'm a horrible person. I hate that they're right. I'm not a horrible person, and my friends aren't my friends just because I make them look hotter in comparison to me. They're my friends because they like to be around me.

I tell myself this all the time, to try and suppress my feelings towards myself. Does everyone hate themselves a little bit? I feel like we all have something about ourselves we wish we could change. But in my case, I wish I could change just about everything. And I hate that I feel that way. I hate hating myself.