fallen angel - joseph descamps

chapter I

now playing: infinite love • emile mosseri

*****
september 1963

summer was almost over and a lot changed. you could tell by how the long, warm days got shorter and colder each day. the sun was setting earlier and the fresh mornings with little waterdrops that condensed over the night now turned into a thick fog that covered the fields and landscapes of the french countryside.

only two weeks ago the sun was setting just behind the trees in the distance. now the sun almost reached the farmhouse that was just there, right at the horizon. the trees still had all of their leaves, but soon they would turn all kinds of brownish colours and fall to the ground. they were going to change. my surroundings were going to change, but all of this was changing for the least.

today's the first day of school but something was different from every other first-day-of-school-after-summerbreak. i wasn't going to the all girls school near my home anymore. i am one of the lucky girls - if you could even say that - that had the chance to now attend a school full of boys. the plan was to mix boys and girls together and see how it will turn out eventually. of course i will not be the only girl there, but i don't know how many and which other girls will be there. for such a long time i longed for this day to come, but now i am not so sure anymore. there will be a new school with new teachers, new subjects and new classmates. but most of all, there will be boys.

there i stood, at the entrance of the new school. voltaire high. i looked around to see if there are any girls i could maybe partner up with, but unfortunately there were none. all i could see were boys hurrying towards the school building, boys already leaning on the walls and smoking a cigarette or talking in groups of people with eachother. i hope it will not be as bad as i think. i sighed, pressed my lips together in a firm line and took the first steps into the yard. my heart was going in a rapid pace because i don't know what was going to happen. somehow i imagined this a bit differently. i pictured it with girls already standing at the entrance waiting for their girlfriends. i could've had the chance to maybe partner up with them. or at least already seeing girls on schools property for example would've been nice. sadly my imagines about the first day of school didn't come true. hopefully i am not the only girl that now attends voltaire high.

the schoolyard was filled with boys, either sitting on benches or running around like they had some important business to do. it was just the first day of school so it can't be that significant. they were all paired up in groups and i was the only one alone. i was also the only girl in sight and it made me feel like being thrown into a cage of hungry tigers ready to slaughter their prey. i hoped to find some kind of comfort around me, a target i could go to and not to stand around awkwardly. fortunately i could see a wooden board in near distance.

as i walked towards the information board that seemed like it had names, moreover classlists on it, i pretended not to notice the piercing stares from all the boys around me. i wanted to look straight forward and not meet anyones gaze, but it was nearly impossible. everyone looked at me and i could not ignore it. as i walked deeper into the yard it felt like everyone was staring at me and they most probably were. i recognized how every conversation suddenly stopped once i stepped my feet into - what it seemed like - their territory. little whispers and snickers could be heard, probably talking about my appearance and how they already have a specific perception of me. i hated it. i felt a nauseous feeling evolving in my stomach as i tried to think what they would think about me right now. and all that was coming up in my head was just straight up horrifying and disgusting. clearly some of them have never seen a woman in their life before. it definitely felt like it. i didn't even exactly know what they were thinking or talking about, but only imagining it was way worse.