Hatsukoi [first love] | sunki au

(01) first night.

"Ugh what is wrong with me?"

Sunoo grumbled, sighing deeply for the nth time that night. He laid supine over the bedsheets, perfectly still, with his eyes wide open. In the last hour or so, he has already tried an arsenal of tactics to get himself to fall asleep. Counting one to a hundred sheep didn't work. Neither did listening to a soft lullaby or calming nature sounds. He's even tried his hand at meditating— but all of these efforts did no relief, not even a little bit.

His head was already throbbing from the exhaustion. Weakly, he lifted a hand to massage his temple.
He turned to the desk clock near him and checked the time. 2:30 am.

Sunoo sat up in frustration.
I have to try something else.

He stood up from the bed and walked over to the table where his bag was. Sunoo has had his fair share of battles with insomnia in the past, and when moments like this happen where it seems impossible to relax, there was nothing that could knock him out faster and harder than the right medication.

He rummaged through his bag for a while before eventually groaning in defeat.
"Fuck." He muttered, a scowl on his face. "I ran out of Xanax pills."

Just great. Now what?

Sunoo turned on one of the light switches, resulting in a small bedside lamp illuminating the room.

The hotel suite was evidently luxurious even in the dim light. The walls were a faded ivory color and a beautiful chandelier hung from over the large bed in the center of the room.

The biggest highlight of the suite, however, was the floor to ceiling glass panels leading to the veranda which boasted a grand view of the starry night sky over the beautiful Hawaii beach front.

Hyung really splurged a lot on my complimentary room. Sunoo thought, sighing deeply. He also couldn't help but think that it seemed like such a waste on him when he couldn't even sleep properly on the night he was checked in.

One of Sunoo's treasured seniors back in his college Glee Club got married earlier today. It was a simple civil ceremony with a small group of close friends and family. They shared their vows and exchanged rings on the beach side near Oahu's North Shore. And by sunset, he and his beloved shared their first kiss as partners for life.

Sunoo's Hyung married a man, despite being straight all his life. And though many have been quick to question their union, when they shared short little kisses in between whispered chuckles during the whole ceremony, Sunoo knew his Hyung married for love and nothing else.

Sunoo was definitely happy for the couple. After the wedding proper, they had walked back down the sandy aisle, greeting all their guests. Sunoo had congratulated them sincerely. But he couldn't help but feel a soft pang in his chest, especially when he saw the newlyweds walk away, their fingers laced tightly together.

Since the ceremony, a lonely, inexplicable feeling kept seeping into Sunoo's heart.
How must it feel, He had thought,  To be able to love, and be loved, so completely?

Sunoo sighed, defeated. At this point, he had already given up on trying to fall asleep. He put on a bathrobe from the closet and went to grab a glass and the complimentary wine bottle chilling in a bucket full of icy water by the pantry.

He trudged towards the glass door, sliding it open and walked over to the open-air veranda.
It was clear that a lot had been on his mind today, and here's to hoping a little fresh air may help appease the rising anxiety in his chest.

Sunoo had just come out of a long term relationship. But rather than being depressed over it, he felt it was something that couldn't be helped. It was a mutual decision. He and his partner had just wanted different things and at that time, being together only complicated it. End of story.

Sunoo popped open the bottle and poured himself a glass, filled up to the brim. Nestling the glass between his fingers, he leaned forward on the railings, taking in the sight before him.

Up on the 18th floor, the wind was definitely chilly, but strangely enough, it felt comforting. And the view was unparalleled and absolutely breathtaking. The moon was shining brightly, its reflection glittering over a dark and peaceful ocean. Sunoo could faintly hear the sound of waves rhythmically crashing against the shore below him.

Sunoo closed his eyes and relaxed his shoulders. Reflecting on his feelings today, It truly has been a while since he's felt restless like this, and even a longer time since he last thought about his own depressing love life. Although truthfully, thoughts about his ex boyfriend didn't really bother him much, despite how long they were together.

This is probably because Sunoo knew deep in his heart that their love had cooled off long before they even decided to call it quits. But despite the fact of the matter, the wedding ceremony today sparked a dormant fire in Sunoo. One where he couldn't help but wonder what could have been if they had done things differently.

If we had worked things out, would we have eventually gotten married as well? Would everyone be happy for us or...?

Sunoo brushed the thought away as quickly as the doubt came in. He continued to muse, wistfully:

Would we have had a beach wedding as well? It seemed nice but I'd would prefer an indoor ceremony, followed by a garden reception.
Traditional Korean outfits would be nice, too. But inclusivity is important, so I'd also like it if guests with other ethnicities and culture felt comfortable in their own formal robes and gowns during the celebration.

Sunoo nodded passively, as if agreeing with his own thoughts.

The reception area should be buzzing; everyone is table hopping, laughing and making conversation. 
Music should fill the area, and everywhere should be full of flowers and fairy lights.

His eyes still shut, Sunoo began to imagine the whole scene unfold in his mind. It would've been such a night to remember, like something that came right out of a fairy tale.

Then, when all the guests retire for the night, we would stay behind. He'd offer his hand, leading me into a small gazebo in a secret part hidden at the heart of the garden. Then we'd have our last slow dance, a soft ballad playing in the background.

Sunoo smiled to himself, his eyes still tightly shut, as if even a tiny peek would disrupt the entire fantasy.

We'd dance up until closing time, but even when the last song ends, and even as our little waltz slowly comes to its final step, we'd stay completely still, wrapped in each other's embrace.

And then, we'd seal the night with a deep kiss underneath the moonlight.

Sunoo slowly opened his eyes. A few stray tears fell without warning, and he quickly wiped it away with his wrist. His heart felt so heavy, and now he confirmed exactly why.

It's because as painful as it was to admit, a part of Sunoo wished to find the kind of love his Hyung had: true, honest and celebrated.
And despite telling himself that the decision to break up was mutually agreed upon, letting go of your lover of five years definitely stings.

There were way too many memories together, too many dreams and goals together that were just abandoned right when they walked away from the relationship.

So many places and things reminded Sunoo of their shared history that it somehow made sense if certain parts of his fantasy wedding were probably in homage to the life he and his ex lover once had.

But that's the problem; it wasn't.

The man of Sunoo's dreams, the man who held his hand and led him to the secret garden,
The one who slow danced with him, held him tenderly, smiled at him sweetly yet kissed him fiercely,
was someone else.
Portrayed in Sunoo's fantasies by a face he thought he'd long since forgotten.

First love never dies. Sunoo mumbled, right before taking a big shot from his wine glass and swallowing hard. Unfortunately.