Memory Lane

Part 19: Together

I tried to follow Evan's advice to squash any feelings I had for you. This was easier said than done.

"She's hurting you," he said. "And I don't like seeing my friends in pain."

"Cover your eyes," I suggested. "Then you wouldn't have to see a thing at all."

He didn't appreciate my sharp wit, but I promised him I would try. Even though my date with Ariel ended up going nowhere, I realized that I was attractive to other girls, something I previously thought impossible.

Evan attempted to find other options for me. On my behalf, he asked out a handful of fair-haired girls. Most of them assumed he was propositioning for himself so they were confused when I entered the picture. None of them said yes once they saw what I looked like.

"Blonde" wasn't what I had meant when I told him I liked a different type of girl.

I grew desperate. I even hoped Ariel would change her mind and ask me out on a second date. But lightning doesn't strike twice. Her gold hoops and white teeth were a world away.

If I had the future in my palms, I would have felt less anxious. However I became obsessed with the idea of love and felt I had to have it no matter the cost.

"It won't be the end of the world if you don't find a girlfriend," Evan said. "There's always college. And if you're worried about prom, we could go as each other's dates."

He grabbed my hand and squeezed it as if to say I won't leave you alone.

If I could like boys, maybe I would have started to develop feelings for him. Instead, I buried my head into his shoulders, tormented by how lonely I was.

Life was empty without you. While I had Evan, he could never replace what you were to me. Not even Ariel could have filled that deep hole if she had given me the chance to love her.

So the last place I expected to find you was in my bed. Swim tryouts were over. I knew I was never going to see you again because of what you told me. When you said something, you typically meant it. And by typically, I mean always.

In the face of your brutal honesty, I realized I needed to start thinking about my future.

I didn't have the slightest idea about what I was going to be, much less what college I wanted to go to. It was the sort of problem that came up because I was the kind of person who thought they weren't going to live very long. Every day on the calendar felt like a countdown, the slow tick of my life's clock to my inevitable end.

I wasn't particularly talented at anything or exceedingly proficient with any of the subjects at school. My grades were average and I had no passions that I leaned toward. The past sixteen years of my life were pointless and my inner compass spun with wild abandon, going nowhere and everywhere at once.

And yet, you were in my bed despite my worthlessness. What happened to your pristine track record for keeping promises?

"You shouldn't be here," I said, even though I never wanted you to leave.

"I know."

"So why–"

"Because I belong with you, not him."

It was exactly what I wanted to hear which meant it was too good to be true.

"Why are you telling me this? He dumped you, didn't he?" That was a low blow, but I was sick of being sidelined.

"No," you said, unfazed. "I'm going to dump him. Harry and I don't belong together. I've known it for a while and I think he does too even if it'll take him longer to realize it."