Except to Feel Remorse (Yuzuvier)

i

"There are no second chances in life, except to feel remorse."

-Carlos Ruiz Zafon

-o-

The moment the Olympic medal came to rest around his neck, Yuzuru knew that he was finally done. He had regained his crown and all he felt was hollow.

He could already imagine what everyone would be saying about his victory. It didn't count because he had no real competition, besides Yuma. It didn't count because Nathan Chen never came back after "taking a break" for school. It didn't count because Ilia Malinin had to sit the season out due to injury. Like it was a failing of Yuzuru's that his old rivals didn't have his longevity, and the new ones either had pushed themselves too far, too fast and broken their bodies or were still too inexperienced to beat him.

He knew it's what they would say, because it's what they said when he reclaimed his World title and redeemed himself the year after the previous Olympics, or won his fifth Grand Prix title and then his second Four continents the year after that.

Even when he won, he was left feeling like he lost. He thought a third Olympic medal would be different, but it left him feeling the most hollow of all.

It was time to retire.

He made it through the rest of the games buoyed by that thought rather than his victory. He waited until the games were done to announce his retirement in order to avoid overshadowing the other skaters' moment of glory more than he already had.

Despite the relief he felt upon announcing his retirement, he also felt guilty. But his fans knew it was coming. He was thirty one years old. His ankle was held together by duct tape and prayers. He had cleanly landed the quad axel two years ago, even if he hadn't been the first to do so. He had redeemed himself and ended on a high note for them. There was nothing left for him, nothing left of him. He had given everything and it still wasn't enough.

He was sure the JSF and ISU were popping out the champagne at the announcement.

Everyone else had finally got what they wanted, it seemed. It was time for Yuzuru to get what he wanted.

-o-

Retirement was not what he thought it would be. He thought that he'd be free to do what he wanted, to spend time with friends and family, to do the things he enjoyed. To take a break before deciding what to do next.

Except retired or not, he was still famous and still couldn't live his life freely. He still couldn't go anywhere without it ending up on the internet. People were still tracking his movements and speculating about where he was and what he was doing. Everyone was making demands about what he would do next. Was he going to become a coach? Maybe a choreographer? A (god forbid) judge? Was he going to step out of skating entirely? Yuzuru had no answers, but everyone seemed to think he had it all planned out and was just being mysterious. But the truth of the matter was that he had never been able to imagine his life without competitive skating. It was all he'd known since childhood. Up until retirement he'd given his entire life to the sport, sacrificed everything. Everything.

And now there was nothing left.

He always thought that there would be time for the things he gave up after. He thought that they'd be there waiting for him once he was done.

They weren't.

Javi wasn't.

Yuzuru sent Javi a text message on the day he announced his retirement. He timed the message so that Javi would be awake and have time to respond, but it still took two days to get a reply that just said 'About time! Welcome to the club!'