What's worse than dying? Surviving. Not living. Existing. Wandering throughout life til death comes for us next.
I had hoped that maybe, just maybe, all the dreams I had of you were real. All the apparitions were real. Every whisper spoken wasn't a figment of my imagination. But then, I woke up and had nothing but false hope. False hope that you would be back.
Looking back, all I have now are memories. Memories of what used to be. Memories of something I experienced that was once real.
I racked my brain, wondering "what if?"
What if you had lived and got to raise your kid?
What if we had done something differently?
What if we had never met?
Is this the end of us? Or purely the beginning of a new chapter?
All I have left are your pictures and videos. You were so adorable, I still have butterflies whenever I look at them. I even created a playlist that has all the songs that remind me of you.
Time had passed and I learned to live without you. To grow without you.
It was hard, believe me. But, I found myself. You were right, I just had to know who I was on the inside first.
I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss your jokes. I miss your laugh. I miss your wit. I miss your creativity. I miss your hugs. I miss your protective nature. I miss the way you weren't afraid to get raw and real when we'd have our talks.
I miss the way you weren't afraid to be you.
Every passing second of every moment of every day feels like an eternity without you.
Who am I going to dye my hair pink again with now?
Who am I going to go on Taco Bell late night runs with?
Who am I going to go to Lake Winnie with?
Who am I going to chill in your bedroom with?
Who am I going to smoke with?
Who am I going to be vulnerable with?
Who am I going to fall asleep on the phone with?
All my thoughts and flood of emotions seep...
What if I had told you everything I felt? What if I risked our friendship for my own selfish gain? Knowing you, you would've still treated me the same. Being your friend was worth everything and then some. Whether you purely only viewed me as a younger sister or secretly more.
Having you in my life was all I really wanted anyway.
Our story was like a black and white film. We had some crazy adventures. And I would go back and do everything over and over and over again.
Who knew one story would turn into a wild and empathetic friendship? It was *that* worth it.
You were worth it.
I still miss you. I think about you every day.
My romantic feelings for you have passed, but deep down, I still love you and that'll never go away.
You were my first, but surely not my last.
Besides, maybe it wasn't such a bad thing.
After all, some things are better left unsaid...
YOU ARE READING
It Happened One Autumn
Non-FictionIf you had told me all that we had gone through would've happened, I never would've believed you. I didn't know you'd be such a huge part of my life. I didn't know one conversation in our science class would change everything. I didn't know all it w...
