How to Have Your Heart Broken

Chapter One

I hold my breath as I make my way silently out the door and into the open night.

This is the third time I've snuck out this week. This is the most I've risked in such a short period of time. I shut and lock the door as quietly as possible and leave the apartment complex that's been my everything for the last ten years.

The night breeze caresses my cheek as I turn onto the street. I have no idea where I'm going— I never do.

After walking a few blocks, the panic starts to set in, and I feel my chest getting tighter. I ignore it, though. This is what I've been waiting for all day— my whole life.

The thrill of exploring the city is intoxicating. I can't stop myself from looking around and above me, everywhere but the ground, the one constant. I drink everything in, unsure if this'll be the time Izzy finally catches me. Unsure if this is my last day of freedom.

It's an odd feeling to feel like a stranger in the city you were born in.

I'm scared for Izzy to find out what I've been doing this last month. I'm scared of her reaction, how she'll find a way to make me feel guilty. I don't want her to find out because I can't go back to that life of imagining the same stories and fantasies over and over again. They're starting to get old.

I hear footsteps behind me, and though part of me wants to look behind me, it knows that's the smart option, but I don't. Maybe it's because I have so very little experience with the world, maybe it's because I'm a coward. I keep my head down.

My eyes lock onto the shadow behind me and my heart thunders. I walk faster, but I don't know where I'm walking towards. Nausea creeps up my throat as I hear my heartbeat roaring in my head.

"Hey there, midnight explorer. Did you misplace your compass or are you just following the stars tonight?" Wait. I know that voice.

I whirl around, "Joey!?"

He smirks, "Finally. I thought you'd never realize it was me." He reaches out his hand, "C'mon, let's get you home. What were you even doing out here?"

"I-" I start, but he interrupts me.

"Save it for your sister. She's worried sick about you." His smile falls at this, and suddenly not even the nighttime chill can ease the heat that settles around me.

The walk back home is very quiet. I keep my eyes on the ground, too ashamed to let myself enjoy the sights of a city I never get to see.

When we get back home, Izzy's on the couch, her eyes red and bloodshot. My heart aches at seeing how worried she was for me. I expected her to be worried if she found out, but crying?

Joey leaves us alone to talk and Izzy motions for me to sit down. I brace myself for her outburst, but it never comes. She doesn't raise her voice at me. She just sighs and rubs her forehead.

"I think I can understand why you've been sneaking out," She meets my eyes and gives me a half smile. "You're an adult now, and you think you should get freedom."

I nod, not sure what she wants me to say.

"Why didn't you just tell me?" She says, quickly, as if she doesn't want to talk about it. As if she doesn't want to cross the line. Like she wants to forget this ever happened and for me to be little forever.

"I thought you'd say no," I mumble.

"I'd rather we fight about it than you wander around the city in the middle of the night. Do you know what could've happened to you?"

No, I want to say. No, I don't know what could've happened, because you've kept me so sheltered my whole life.

Izzy sighs and continues her rant, "Mari, I'm just trying to look out for you. I don't want anything bad to happen to you. You should've just talked with me. But I guess I don't make that so easy for you, do I?"

"You wouldn't have said yes if I asked you, did I really have a choice?"

"Why do you feel like you have to see everything, Mari? What's so special about this stupid city?" Izzy looks genuinely confused as she holds my hand, trying to show me that she's not mad at me, that we'll figure out a "compromise". Which means I'll do what she wants me to do.

"Because I want to live my life, Izzy. I want to go out, go to parties, have a job, get married. I want a life of my own, not to just live vicariously off of you and Joey." I feel guilty once I say it. Now that I've spoken the dreams I hold closest to my heart, they feel foolish and further away than ever. Like they're not even worth reaching for anymore.

"I have a vicarious life too!" Isaac yells from across the hall. His eavesdropping eases the tension between me and my older sister, even if for just a minute, while she tells Isaac to go back to bed and stop listening in on her private conversation.

By the time Izzy returns, she's not smiling anymore. She sits back down next to me and sighs, "Mari. You know I'm just doing this because I don't want you to get sick, right?"

I nod, but part of me wonders if that's a price I'd be okay paying, even if Izzy isn't. She bites her lip and I can tell she's thinking of other things to tell me to try and get me to understand, for the thousandth time, that if I wasn't sick then things would be different.

"Can I say something first?" She nods and closes her eyes, laying her head on my shoulder as I map out everything I'm going to say.

"Why can't you just trust me to be careful?" I whisper and wait for her response. But she never does. I look down and she's asleep on my shoulder. I gently remove her and tuck her in, turn off the light, and head to my room.

I won't go on another midnight walk again.