over and over (i fuck myself over) | bnha

prologue

His fingers twitched with relief, no longer feeling the hag's hand on his neck. Katsuki knew better than to open his mouth, so he remained still as his mother conversed with the other teacher. He had already made an error by calling her a hag and embarrassing her enough. The result of his disrespect earned him a swift yet painful smack to the back of his head. He deserved it, but his heart clenched when Mitsuki blamed Katsuki for not being strong enough.

He was just a child. Katsuki wasn't as advanced as a villain. The league caught them off-guard, and he had been fucking marbled! What could he have possibly done in that situation? Didn't she understand how scared Katsuki was when the villains surrounded him and pressed for him to join them? They called him a villain, said he would be good amongst their ranks, and how heroes didn't care about people like him.

Katsuki was a scared and confused boy with no one else to turn to, but they were wrong. Katsuki was just fucking fine. He wasn't the fearful and weak child they all mistook him to be; he wasn't fucking Midoriya. Midoriya was the one who was weak and needed coddling, not him.

Sure, his breathing would get uneven whenever teachers threatened to call his mom because he stepped out of line or was simply too energetic. Sure, Katsuki had random and silent breakdowns when no one was watching, but who fucking doesn't; it's hormones and that time of the year. That didn't mean he was weak or anything was wrong with him.

He would rise like a phoenix from the ashes.

"Thank you for stopping by and telling us about these new arrangements. I hope you can keep the brat in line," Mitsuki laughed, her hand returning to the back of his neck, slightly applying pressure and slight warmth. "I'm sure Katsuki will be on his best behavior for you all. I would hate to have to come up to the school. Isn't that right?" she hummed.

Her tone was sickly sweet, but Katsuki knew better. She could fool everyone else, but she wouldn't fool him.

"Right," Katsuki bit out, running his tongue across his lower teeth. His answer must have pleased the hag because he lowered her hand again, opting to squeeze his shoulder. It was softer than her hot palm against his neck; he hated it when her hands went any higher than his throat. It was such a discomfort, and Katsuki always felt uneasy when she tried to touch his face. It was never a good sign when Mitsuki grabbed his face; she would yank on his ears and yell about how he fucked up.

It didn't help that he was hard of hearing and needed to shout to hear his voice. But of course, Katsuki had an incredible and flashy quirk, so he should be grateful for such a gift despite the harsh drawbacks. Yes, he should be grateful that it burned and throbbed with each explosion that blossomed in his scorches and blistered hands. It should be an honor to be the best of the best, right?

It was a great privilege, even if it meant destroying his body for the sake of glory and praise.

His mother and teacher concluded the visit, and Katsuki braced himself. In a few moments, he knew that the façade would drop, and the gates of hell would open. There was no way Mitsuki would let him go with a smack to the back of the head. No, he embarrassed her and would pay the price for such disrespect.

"Please have a safe return home! Thank you again for letting us know about the new arrangements!" Mitsuki called out with that chipper tone, slowly shutting the door behind her. She turned around slowly, eyes trained on her son before she came into the room with her hands on her hips and a disappointed look on her face.

Katsuki loathed it when she stared down at him like he was worthless and undeserving of life—maybe he was being dramatic with that last part, but still. The burning looks still Shoto stung and throbbed in his chest.

He tensed up, his body stiff as a board she drew closer like a predator stalking its prey. Mitsuki yanked him up by his ear, ignoring his pained groan. "How many times have you told you to cut that shit out!?" Mitsuki barked, narrowing her eyes. "Making me look like a fool in front of your teacher like that! It's already bad enough that I get pity looks because you couldn't move your ass!"

It wasn't his fault. Katsuki didn't know the League was targeting him. How was he supposed to know they had someone who transformed people into marbles? He did everything he could to escape the villains and run to his teacher—it wasn't his fault!

But Katsuki never answered her. He swallowed the lump in his throat, not wanting to sound weak. He could feel his voice crackling, and if he spoke up, he was sure he would sob, and he would not give her the satisfaction of seeing him break.

Mitsuki yanked harder, narrowing her eyes. "Are you fucking ignoring me!? Are you shitting me right now?" she sneered. "I know you aren't fucking deaf!? Why can't you do shit right? Always causing me problems and mouthing off."

He wasn't. It wasn't his fault—sure, Katsuki could be a bit of a bully (the other students' words, not his), and he could be aggressive, but that wasn't entirely his fault. He has seen what happens when someone is too soft and too caring. Those connections and relationships severed within the blink of an eye, like the wave of an ocean destroying anything on the shore before retreating to sea.

It didn't help when certain people—a particular green-haired nerd—tried to break down his walls and force his way in. Katsuki had to be aggressive when it came to people like Midoriya. If he were soft, they would never learn and try different ways to break down the walls, and Katsuki didn't want to play those silly little games. Stamping out the growing flames before they grew too ravenous to handle was much more manageable.

A sharp tug brought him back to reality. Gritting his teeth, Katsuki kept his gaze cast downwards as Mitsuki yelled at him for being such a fuck-up and how she worked too hard for him to be acting a damn fool. How she didn't break her back for Katsuki to act like he hasn't had any home training. Screaming and yelling about how she works too hard to support this family, so the least he could do was treat her with some goddamn respect.

Respect has to be earned, he thought bitterly, swallowing back the groan that bubbled up in his throat but never found its way to the surface. Katsuki couldn't cave now; everything would be fine once he was in the new dorms.

He would have a safe place. A place away from his bitch of a mother and coward of a father.

Mitsuki then released his ear with a low groan. "Get out of my face before I hurt you," she demanded, trudging into the kitchen.

Katsuki clenched his jaw but said nothing. He glanced at his father, watching as the older man didn't even look up from the oak table. Why did Katsuki even bother at this point? It's not like his dad would grow a pair any time soon and stand up to his tyrant of a mother.

Katsuki holed himself up in his room and draped his favorite blanket across his shoulders as Mitsuki told him. It was best to stay out of her way with her mood until later tonight. He didn't want to hear her rant about work or talk about if he was a little stronger, the villains wouldn't have kidnapped his sorry ass so easily.

Yeah, you try fighting for your life against terrorists, Katsuki thought, running his tongue across his lower teeth. He wouldn't wish that on his worst enemies. It was a terrifying experience, and if he was quiet enough, Katsuki swore he could hear Shigaraki's haunting voice in his ear. It taunted him, saying that the public already thought of him as a villain, so why live a lie?

Why hide behind people who don't give a damn about him or his well-being? They already thought he was an animal that needed to be tamed, so that showed how well they cared about Katsuki. But he knew that was a lie. Sure, the heroes didn't care when he was struggling to breathe in that thick iron mask or how he was thrashing around, not because he was sour about the bittersweet victory but because the chilling memories of that sludge monster that pumped so much slime in him, Katsuki had to force himself to throw up the rest of it at home.

It was a minor inconvenience but nothing too damaging to set him back (that was a lie, but he would not let such a weakness hold him back; he mustn't let them see him falter). Katsuki would force down the bubbling feelings that he wanted to escape from his throat and move on. Yes, he would be perfectly fine and move on from this incident.

The sooner he was out, the better.