Why do I feel this way.
Why can't I understand.
What makes people whole?
Is it the love of GOD.
Or the love for everyone else including the great creator.
I have been sitting here with my face in my hands, crying because of this deep insanity I felt inside my brain.
I lifted my face and turned to look at the sky's dismissal of hailing rain. I yelled. "Why!". I sobbed harder, not understanding what I am going through.
Why am I so angry?
Why don't I understand?
Why can't I comprehend?
Why do I feel this way?
I got up from off the ground. And went back inside.
Water was dripping from my pant legs. I was soaked.
I went to the kitchen going to fix myself a glass of water. All that crying made my throat dry.
I tilted my head back swallowing. the cool liquid cascading down my throat.
After finishing the drink. I went to the bathroom to take a warm bath. After crying almost all day in the rain. I didn't want to catch a cold.
I don't know why I did it. It almost seemed cliche. A sad depressed girl crying in the rain, while asking the sky "why?".
I haven't come to pass the reasons of me being here. Amd I guess I kinda felt left out.
Every single one of my christian friends have found there purpose. And I thought that He had forgotten about me.
Once I was in the bathroom, I stripped my clothes.
I looked at myself in the mirror. I had a decent body with long, curly, thick hair. And with beautiful caremel skin littered with a couple of blemishes and pimples.
I wasn't perfect, I was human. I didn't work out, but I ate healthy.
I looked up to my face and saw huge dark bags under my eyes. My eyes were red, with unshed tears still left in them.
I wanted to cry again. I couldn't call my mother; She would just make it about herself. And my father would just dismiss it, and tell me to take a nap.
Yesterday I was happy. feeling great and ready to take on the world.
This immediate sadness just came out of nowhere.
I woke up feeling depressed. Then these thoughts just appeared in my head. Telling me that I have no purpose or that I am not important. I tried not to listen, but then they just got louder.
I filled the tub up with my favorite bath bombs, turning the water temperature to warm.
I got in the tub and immediately started to scrub my skin raw. tears leaked out of my eyes. The voices in my head were getting louder.
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🛑:Trigger waning:🛑 This next part may upset or trigger some viewers. skip past if you do not want read depressive thoughts. There will be a warning sign at the bottom to let you know that you have past it.
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Continued:
The voices got louder and louder until they were deafening.
You will never amount to anything.
How can you be a christian when you are filled with sin.
you have no purpose on this earth.
You are doomed for all eternity.
The lord is angry with you.
He will never forgive you.
Your skin is dirtied by your sins.
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🔴 Depressive thoughts over 🔴
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I wanted to end these thoughts with the only way I know that they would end.
But I couldn't. I was 3 years sober.
I'm not gonna let just one bad depressive day get the best of me. But I wanted to.
So instead I just cried.
I cried and cried, until I felt tired.
I quickly bathed and rinsed myself off. I pulled the drain and slowly got out of the bath.
Slowly walking into my room, I went into my closet to find something to wear.
I pulled out a big oversized grey hoodie, it said the words "My Heavenly Father is the Best.". I smiled at the words on there.
My friend had gotten me this for my birthday.
Sadly he had passed away 3 years ago.
He was also the reason for my sobriety.
One day he had caught me cutting. He made me promise that I would stop and get some help.
I wasn't planning on actually stopping, but after I had gotten a phone call from his mother 2 days later. Saying that he had gotten into a car crash.
I decided to keep that promise.
I had got some help. And in the process I had found JESUS.
I put on the hoodie and found some underwear and shorts. putting them on as well.
I got under my covers and grabbed the remote of my nightstand.
I turned off the lights and turned on the tv.
I put on spongebob, I figured his stupidity would make me laugh.
I wasn't really working. So I turned the tv off and decided to go to sleep. I was starting to sit my eyes when all of a sudden I heard in my head, " Psalm 130".
I opened my eyes. Thinking that I just imagined it. I tried to go back to sleep, when I heard it again. "Psalm 130". I sat up and yanked the covers off of me. I opened my nightstand dresser and grabbed my bible and went to psalm 130.
It read,
( A song of ascents)
" Out of the depths I cry unto you, LORD;
LORD hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
To my cry for mercy.
If you, LORD, kept a record of sins.
LORD, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness, so that we can, with reverence serve you.
I wait for the Lord, My whole being waits, and in his word I put hope.
I wait for the LORD more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning, Israel put your Hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption.
He himself will redeem Israel from their sins."
A single tear rolled of my cheek and on to the pages.
My Heavenly FATHER loves. I am his and he is mine.
No harm shall be formed against me.
For I am loved and saved.
As long as I am with my father this wickedness will never last.
I went to sleep with a happy smile on my face.
And from this day on, I knew that tomorrow was going to be a good day, becuase now I know my father will be with me and loving me.
In JESUS name I pray. Amen.
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Hey guys I hope you like the chapter. This is my very own original work. Except the bible verse. Make sure to vote and comment. I hope this helps somone with there day. May GOD bless you all. Amen.😊😘💕
