Lies my husband tells me

Chapter One

Chapter 1

I had never heard of a fucking trauma bond before my therapist brought it up. My whole life was one traumatic event if I thought about it. I witnessed my first kill when I was six; Daddy took me to a 'business' meeting, passed me to someone who covered my ears and not my eyes before he shot the man in the chair. By the time I was twelve, I had killed a man for the first time. What he did to deserve to be killed? I have no idea, but I liked it. I was really good at it and amazed how simple it really was.  At home, Mother and daddy constantly fought; she hated I had all his attention, he hated how she couldn't be a mother to me.

I didn't want to get married, let alone have kids; I didn't want to be like my parents. Daddy said I had to get married, it was all arranged, I had no choice. Lorenzo made me fall in love with him, HE made me want to have kids. We were the perfect couple, both swearing we would never turn into our parents. Ha. The bullshit you tell yourself when you're young and dumb. When we found out I was pregnant on the backs of burying both my parents, just months apart, we were terrified and excited; I thought it was a blessing from daddy in heaven. When I had the twins, I didn't want to leave them. My best friends parents had stepped into the role of Mom and Dad for me along with my in laws. With their help and Enzo's support, I stepped back from the majority of my duties to be a stay at home mom, well, as much as the donna could.

I didn't know as a stay at home mom you form a trauma bond with your spouse. That's all you know anymore, you solely rely on your spouse for all of your needs; you lose your identity along the way and can't find a way out because everything falls on Mom. When something happens that bond breaks, it fucking shatters. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore. I feel like my whole world just crumbled before my eyes; a train wreck I watched happen in slow motion. Marriage in my world was until death do you part BUT there was some grey area around death in my world.

Who the fuck was I am more? It makes me even more angry that I don't know how I forgot. I don't know how to get it back. Or if I even want it back. I am so fucking exhausted from fighting and crying; trying to figure out where it all went so fucking wrong. Fuck! We were supposed to be different; we were supposed to be the happy ending that never fucking happened in our world. I scoffed in the mirror as I brushed my teeth; how fucking naive. The men in this world wore their dicks out of their fucking pants; why would my husband be any better.

I vowed that loyalty would be the number one thing I instilled in my boys. They knew something was going on, I had made myself extra busy the past week my mother in law has been here. I loved my kids; don't get me wrong, they were my everything but I needed time away. I needed silence and to be alone in my thoughts; I needed a fucking break. I didn't want to have to force a smile to my face the entire night and pretend everything was ok; because it fucking wasn't. Far from it.  If I didn't take a break I was going to loose it and the boys would loose a parent.

I gripped the sides of the sink as I took a shaky breath, forcing myself to look in the mirror again, locking on the emerald green eyes staring back at me. I am Jessica DeLuca. I am a wife, a mother, business owner and I was the fucking Donna. I was a dangerous woman to cross, and I would soon remind my darling husband of that. Sometimes I wasn't sure who I was more angry with; my husband for cheating or myself for falling for a trap and forgetting who I was.

Revenge was all that was on my mind; and it wasn't something that I was foreign too. While the other girls were being brought up to be wives, the perfect accessory for their husbands; I was brought up to rival any Don. Daddy wasn't going to have his only child, his daughter, dependent on any man. My high school graduation present was a promotion at Daddy's construction company to Chief Operating Officer and a quarter of his crew that were my responsibility. Sometimes I used to envy my best friend Stacia for being able to just go and do whatever. She never forgot about me though and always made sure I made time for fun, even if she had to drag me out. I think in some ways that's what brought Sergei, Stacia's brother, and I closer. I was younger than he was but we were on the same level both of us set to take over for our fathers.