As a girl i have many insecurities that is a result from being with my friends over the year or school year rather they have always tease me, for them it may apear that it was fun but it slowly build my insecurity in myself.
When the covid-19 had not started yet i was so confident that i dont even care if im one of the boy's or they may appear to see me as a ladyboy or lesbian, but im realy not that kind because i am only interested in boys, so back to the topic but when the Covid-19 start as my family really abide the law so well even if my childhood friends still meet each other i did not got that chance and im always in the room just passing my time using the cellphone at that moment i know i can call myself as an introvert because other family used that time to get to know each other or have bonding that did not hapenedto our family it even make us hate each other.
I was used to being alone all the years when i was a child as my parents are seperated and i got to live with my mother so i am not close to my father as i live in together with my mother and other sibling's, my mother was always at work and did not have a time to raise me so even if i have a mother and father i was not close with them and this was one of the reason i am always in my neighbor because they wellcome me and i feel belong with them i became friends with the child in my community but everyone has an attitude it just that theire attitude was sometimes so mean that they just use me when they need me and even if i know that i still choose to be theire friend because i am alone in yhe house anyway and i will just feel so alone so i still make friends with them maybe i dont have to be friends with them but im afraid of being left out and it became my toxic trait.
I was afraid of being left out because i always have that feeling even if i have someone beside me i dont feel theyre presence because my parents did not make me feel the feeling of being love by the parents i seek them in my friends i dont want to feel being alone so i was afraid of being leftout even if i feel numb being alone through the years i still get to feel it and it start to make me feel insecure i was insecure that even if i know that my friends were just normal or not have many things in life i still feel envy even if i know i have so much in my life its because they were close to their parents while im not they can tease theyre parents and is with them everyday i feel insecure about it that even if i have money and they wish to be me i suddenly feel sad about it they have a happy life that i did not got the chance to have, so when i was a child i was always not in the house and always play with them till night time because i know once i got home they will just scold me for the litle things.
I was used of being scold and have developed my personality to do what they said what i am, i develop the mindset of doing what they seem i am was, it became a part of me as a grew older so when the situation of Covid-19 gets better and will be back to new normal since i was just in yhe house all that time when i got out and i go to my neighbors house i was excited but i have missed many things in that amount of time i was not with them and this was the reason i was so afraid of being leftout they get to have a new friends and i grew aoart with them as the School year start to come back to face to face i was in a different school with them this was the major reason why i grew so apart to them they all were close apart from me i get to develop of being fine alone but it start make me an introvert because i was leftout when we go out to hangout i was the only one who dont relate to them they get to talk while i can only listen to them as i dont know what they were talking about so i dont to feel being leftout so i kind of not hangout with them that much than before and i got to be close with one of my classmates i was so close with her and she resembles them my friends before only close with me because she can kind of order me around and i felt that but i still chose to be her friends so me being an introvert stop right there but the attitude that i have develop in my childhood was change but some got worse i have a personality that i get to adapt to the situations that engage with people easily i have adapt it in a worse way and because of that i was close with my other classmates but one day my other classmates backstab my friend that were my classmate too i only listen to her and said what i see as true and she take it as i backstab my friend when not i dont know at that time that it was valled backstab i only know at that time that we are just talking about my friend but then suddenly the issue came out that i have backstab her when in the first place i dont know that word at that time i have pride and ego they have known that wors when they were a litle child and i just got to know that at that time so i felt embarassed if i said that so instead of making it clear i just let it be even if it ruined my reputaion at the room and they have spread it with almost everyone they know that i was mutually know too so i was ignored and was avoided by almost everyone i know at school so my anxiety came back and the feeling i have when i was a child cameback and it was more worse than before i was bulies and they covered it up by just teasing my appearance so my insecurity got more than before.
