todays event
it was our teachers surprice birthday party it was not that extravegant as we made it cause we are short of money then again as i was going in the place where we will buy the cake i was late because they informed me late i then arrive yhen after i got out the jeep they've texted me that i should go to another place because they we're there so i go back again in the same jeep i go out then i was really embarrased i magine my embarrassment so i was there in that place and they werent there when i got to there and then i waited for a long time then i was texting them again and again just to know that they were at the school they will say that i was just nag tatampo but i was angry and sad at the same time how embarrassed i was at that time i even forgot many things at home just to catch up to them then they ware already at school i somehow feel the sadness i always wait for them and inform them everytime this wasnt the first time it happen it always happened everytime and i felt somehow numb about it
And some of my friends always want to have an advice from me i think i need the advice more than them i was always feeling down because i know more than them was from my experience and even if it was i know i will always feel sad everytime i was with them i know they were bullying me but i dont want to lose friend as i dont know how to make friends yo other because my current friends make me so insecure about many things before i dont care what others think about me what they see me about but because of them i know feel that i should be good or i should be proper what i see before that makes me laugh now irritates me vecause it reminds me the past that i can't be in the present i love those but i can't do it now.
Now i know why elders always say that enjoy being a child i did not understand it till i have experience it trully ive miss being a child, because when i was a child i did not enjoy it much my parents were strict actually if they were not around i can go outside but mostly they were not home so i have do what i want most of the time but i gave wished they were around, because now i felt like we aren't close as if we are just friends that know each other's name but other than that mostly strangers that's how i can describe it.
That is why i accept them bullying me so i could stay as they're friends in name even if i know they will spread the things about me i still open uo because i dont have someone who can and im afraid what will happened to me if i truly become depressed or have an anxiety im afraid of that thought so i do things to prevent it from happening but it seems like im just making it worse.
yesterday i was bullied but this time it was more apparent that everyone can know i was being bullied they've level up in bullying me they have make fun of my food, i bring my own food and drink in school to save money so as the other's i just dint expect that they will make fun of my food they watch me eating the food and they did not told me about it but someone did remind me but i did not believe it because the others dint react to it but then when we are about to start the classroom observation i drank my water but they put something in the water to cause me to choke i was angry no i was devastated but i still waited till the CO was over thats the time i just have known that they put something in my food that i have already eaten at that moment i want to drop out or change schools but as i wasnt close to my parents i know they will not agree, i just complained it to the secretary of the room and to my advisor so they can be called to the guidance office but nothing happen so if something ever happened again i know that i can't trust the teacher or the school.
And today i have noted in the messenger app that i will bounce or stop liking that person which is my crush i have already confessed to him when i was still not insecure but today when i note that he chat me that what did i like about him i was kind of dumbfounded when i read that because it was already so long when i have liked him or have confessed to him and he just ask me that today, but then he texted me that he was not still ready and he have told me that many times but today feels different because he added that if he ever was thinking of having a girlfriend he would probably have dated me now but, he wasnt ready and are not thinking of having one. so i was more sadden now but then i realized more that he still has not realized if i truly like him and what effort i did just for him to noticed me many have always told me i was dumb and marupok but i dont listen to them because i like him but it make me realized today's event that i was so dumb to even think he will like me back when it was so apparent that he will not.
Even of i know that i still liked him, but this time i have realized that i made so many efforts that he choose to not appreciate, to the point that i see myself as desperate. I was now trying to move forward as i dont want myself to be like that. But i just can't do it i was busying myself in wattpad and novels i have restricted him so even if he chat me i wont be able ti see it because i know myself i wont be able to endure not replying back to him. I need to do this if i want to move forward because i have many things to do this may seem cringe and not real but i also hope that its not real, I need to do this because i only think of him so i sometimes sont have energy to do anything and just think of a way to talk to him. This is why i seem desperate and i want to changes and it leads me to this to not see him and avoid anything that relates to him because if i saw him i know i will not follow my plans to not still like him and this what happened today
