A Thousand Lives I've Seen

60 - A River of Tears

Avlora had grown used to being on guard. 

As a general, her place was on the battlefield, and she needed to be ready for anything to happen at any moment. Any fight could spiral out of her control if she gave it the chance. Everyone and everything was safer if she was as in tune to her environment as she could be. It wasn't easy to constantly wander through life with tense shoulders and a frown on her face, but Avlora vastly preferred it to the other potential outcome. She didn't want to lose her life or anything greater on the battlefield, and if that meant she needed to stay focused at all times, then so be it. 

As a result, Avlora had grown to understand when she was safe and when she needed to be careful of the world around her. Any person would collapse if they had to keep their defenses and walls high constantly, so she needed to pace herself and know when it would be safe for her to let herself collapse beneath the weight of expectation and pressure. It was a delicate balance and a difficult one to maintain, but Avlora knew it well. That was the only way she could ever hope to survive, and so, she would do what she had to. She could worry about everything else at another time when it was safer to do so. 

The alertness from the battlefield and its affiliated combat was nothing like what Avlora had been fighting for the last few hours. She had been doing her best to keep herself composed, but it was much easier said than done. There was something about the attack on Whiteholm Castle that scared her in a way next to nothing ever had before. She should have been fine. There were no open signs of danger right in front of her. Hyzante and House Wolffort were both trying to attack the castle, yes, but neither one of them had come to visit Avlora or Cordelia in the latter's room. They were as safe as they could have been given the circumstances. 

But knowing that did nothing to assuage the mounting terror in Avlora's stomach. She had never been afraid of death the way one would expect. She had always thought death was to be expected on the battlefield, and if she lost her life, it was simply because she had found an opponent stronger than her. What reason did she have to lose her attention because of something like petty fear? Avlora understood the sway of combat better than anyone, and she knew better than to let her terror control her. It was much easier said than done at times, but Avlora didn't care. She could control herself, and she would do so for as long as she could. 

Avlora had initially thought that the sudden wave of paranoia washing through her body was a fear of death. She had never felt it before, at least not to this extent, so it could have very easily been that horrifying urge to outrun death by any means necessary... But that wasn't entirely accurate either. Avlora knew there was more to it than that even if she couldn't find the words to describe it. She was on the verge of losing something, but it wasn't her life. There was a resignation deep in her stomach that told her there was something else she should have been thinking about. 

Avlora already knew what it was. Even if she died, she would be alright... But she did not know if Cordelia would be. Cordelia was certain that House Wolffort would be beneficial to her if she was able to stay with them going forward, and yet, there was something about the situation that bothered Avlora. How could Cordelia be so confident? Did she not feel the dread and uncertainty too? Avlora wasn't certain, but she was sure that she couldn't let Cordelia trust House Wolffort so easily. They had allied with Hyzante when given the chance, and that was enough of a reason for them to be a threat in Avlora's mind. She wasn't going to let Cordelia submit herself to greater danger as long as there was something she could do to stop it. Avlora may have not feared death, but she most certainly had something to lose other than her life, and she couldn't let anyone tear it away from her. Cordelia was too precious to her, and Avlora could not take any chances. 

There was something like resignation in Avlora's body that drew her out of the room she was hiding in and out into the hallway. She didn't belong there. She should have been out in the courtyard... But Avlora couldn't figure out why for the life of her. She just knew that she needed to fight there for the sake of everything she had ever loved. Cordelia was the only cause Avlora had to fight for, and she would have had it no other way. Still, that didn't explain why Avlora was so insistent on going out there. No matter how many times she tried to pressure her mind into revealing its secrets to her, she came up short. It was like she was on the verge of remembering something crucial, but it was hidden just barely out of her reach.