Poetry

The Minor Annoyances

Hello there! How are you today?
Me? Oh, I'm just peachy. I just thought
I should rant about all the things
I find annoying. Yes, I know,
Complaining doesn't solve anything,
But I really don't give a flying flute about that.
You see, I just need to get it all out there
Before I implode or explode,
Whichever is more frightening.
Now the fun part:

I find it annoying how some people
Think they know what I like and don't like.
I'm just "Yes, I eat eggs, but I don't like them.
Yes I'm laughing, but you're not all that funny.
No, go ahead, I don't care if you drink my coffee,
After all, you know me better than I do [glares at person].
And, no, I didn't want that bagel, I was buttering it up for you.
No, I don't have an attitude, you're just annoying.
Mad? Who me? Not at all. My face just looks like this.
Do you see what I mean.

Oh, and don't get me started on TV.
TOO LATE!
I absolutely hate it when people talk
And/or make annoying noises while I'm trying so
Desperately to watch a movie. Don't even think about
Asking why I just threw the pillow at you. Or turned the
TV up to maximum volume.
[Sarcastically] Yes, I just want to hear you sing
That annoying song in the middle of my movie.
Go right ahead while I sharpen my ax.

Oh, I hurt your feelings? I'd say I'm sorry,
But lying's a sin. I mean, I honestly thought you knew
How annoying I find you. I mean,
Hearing you talk hurts my IQ. And speaking of IQ's,
Let's discuss the idiots in the corner trying to shove
A firecracker in a bullfrog's behind. Can you see the logic there?
They're liable to blow their hands off or set their eyebrows on fire.
Is my peeve obvious yet? Being funny and acting stupid are
Two different things. Firecracker in a bullfrog's ass—not funny.
How about something with a little more class like
Insulting someone without them knowing you're insulting them?

I've almost got this out of my system [pats you on shoulder], but
There is one more thing I find absolutely annoying. What is it you ask?
Oh my, you'll love this one: people messing with my cooking.
Not enough salt? Well, the box said season to taste. Not everyone
Likes the whole box of salt in their food; and who wants the high blood-pressure
That comes with it? And don't even think about adding that bit
Of Wurstishire sauce to my soup—I'm not making stir-fry. Oh, and
Don't throw those bell peppers away, they're for flavor. If you don't
Like my cooking, then don't eat it. There's an old can of SPAM in
The cabinet if you're hungry.

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