rain

Chapter 10

I woke up to bright light coming through my window. I had yet to open my eyes, but I knew it was well past nine, for I thought the sun was shining, but I realized there was no particular warmth that came with the light. I opened my eyes to find that the sky contained only clouds; no sun. I sat up and stretched. I felt good; nice and rested. I looked down at the bruises and gashes my arms held from hitting so many branches. It was as if the branches were just really bad tattoo artists. I laughed to myself and tried to think about it in a non-tragic way. Right then Miranda walked in, "Oh, good. You're up," she said, "Can I come in?" I nodded. She stepped inside the room and shut the door quietly behind her, then walked over and sat gently on my bed. Miranda was three years older than me. Her and Austin are twins, which means they are both graduating this year, and while she may be older than me physically, I have a better sense of maturity than she; less vulnerability to pain. I looked at her expectantly. "Are you okay?" She asked while letting out a breathe. I smiled a genuine smile. "I mean, I know you're probably going to get asked a bunch of questions today, but I was just... I mean... I wanted to make sure you were okay." I laughed, "Yeah Miranda, I'm perfectly fine. I feel a lot better after a good nights sleep." She gave a smile, but it was quickly gone; replaced by a dark expression. "Can I ask you a question?" I nodded. She nodded back, though I'm not sure if it was meant for me or if she was reassuring herself. "Why did you run away, Carter? You said that it felt like no one cared for you, but I always tried, we all did." I cringed; thoughts of my father flooding my head. "I just don't feel like thats why you ran away..." Was that true? Was there another reason for leaving; a real one? No; impossible; or is it? I looked up at her, "Did I change; when we moved from Texas?" I asked. She nodded. "How?" Of course I already knew how, but I wanted to hear her say it. "You stopped talking. You grew disconnected from everyone. I never really understood why, but it was painful; watching my baby sister be so unhappy. It was sad. We all thought you were depressed or something," I held up my hand, signaling for her to stop. "That's why." "What?" She said, confused. "Do you know what the effects of depression can result in?" She shook her head. "If I had depression and I wasn't on anti-depressants or something, I could have gotten into drugs, or self harm. I could have ruined my life; or ended it. The night after I climbed the tree the first time, Mom was yelling at me; asking why I would hurt her like that. She was just mumbling, but I heard one thing so clearly. She said, 'We figured you were depressed.' At first I thought she was only talking about her and Dad, but then it occurred to me she could have been talking about the whole family. I was so confused, I mean, Why would my family, that loved and cared for me, not suggest something like going to the doctors? Why would no one ask me about it? The answer hit my like a lightning bolt; hurt almost as much as an actual lightning bolt: They don't really care. It was the only thing I could think of; the only answer that made sense." She sat in silence. I could see the gears turning in her head trying to register my words and find a response. "I'm sorry." She said it quietly; barely loud enough for me to hear, but I didn't accept her apology, even thought I knew she really meant it, I still felt like it wasn't all true. I shook my head, "Its all in the past now," I said dismissing that particular subject. "You know, I read in a magazine once that before people die for good, they see a replay of their whole life. Did you think you were going to die?" I paused before replying with the truth, "Yeah. I did." "Did you try to fight it; try to stop it? Were you crying; afraid?" I shook my head. "I don't really remember," I lied, "I don't think I had control of my body. I only remember focusing on the clouds. Seth told me he thought I was already dead by the way I was falling." But they were all lies. It was safer than the truth. I didn't cry. I wasn't afraid. I purposely let my body go limp; didn't try to stop myself, and I'm not sure if it was because I figured there was no point, or didn't care if I died. Either way, she was better off thinking I didn't have control than knowing I stopped trying. She sighed, relieved, not thinking about that fact that I could be lying. I would have been thinking that if the roles were reversed, but maybe I'm just too skeptical of people. So what? "Okay, Carter, well I'm glad your okay," she said with hesitation, probably remembering my answer to my first question, "you should get ready for church. We have forty-five minutes until its time to leave." "Alright; will do." I said in response, and I did. I headed straight for the shower, not having bathed in almost a month. I let the hot water wash out dirt and the smell of hospital from me then I got on with the actual shower part. I never knew one could appreciate a shower so much. The memory of mine and Seth's water fight played in my head, making me smile. I looked through my closet and found a dress. It was a little above the knee with cap sleeves. The upper portion was tight, but when it hit my waist it flowed out. It was a plain navy blue dress that had a rough-looking texture to it, but it was nice. My church doesn't require dressy clothes, but I thought after not having dressed up for a while, even before last month, a little luxury would be nice. I brushed my teeth and went to grab an apple when I heard a car door. I figured that my family was getting in the car. I skipped the apple and went for the front door when I remembered my bible. I forgot it in my room. I looked down at my bare feet. and my shoes I thought. I turned around to make a mad dash and almost ran into my Austin. They might forget about me but why wouldn't forget about him. "Hey," he said grabbing my shoulder, "is everyone else loading up?" He sounded urgent; like he wasn't ready either. I shrugged my shoulders and glanced at the clock. We still had twenty-five minutes left. I looked back at Austin who was still grabbing my shoulder and noticed he saw the time too. We exchanged confused looks. We walked past me and to the window. I saw his mouth drop. "What?" I asked walking over to the window to get a look. My vision switched from a clear image of outside to being focused on Austin's reflection in the window. "What are they doing here?" He asked in bewilderment. I focused back on the five news vans parked outside our house. There was something nagging at the back of my head. A warning? A memory of some sort. I just couldn't remember what for. I had no clue why they were here. My concentration was interrupted by a knock. I looked up at Austin. "Do we answer?" "Yeah. They've probably already seen us in the window," I said calmly as I followed him over to the door. He opened it and the questions came pouring out of the reporters. There were tons of people, flashes, and heavy camera equipment trying to cram their way onto my front porch. "What's going on?" Mom called from the back room. Her along with the rest of my family came into the front room. Seeing the reporters, they all looked unsure of what was happening. They came closer and started talking all at once. With questions coming from both directions from two different groups of people had sandwiched Austin and I, who had already overcome the reporters. "Hey!" Austin yelled snatching everyones attention. Everyone stopped talking and I found the silence comforting. I watched as Austin made the reporters step away from the door, then ask what they were doing. "and don't start talking at the same time!" he said rather forcefully. He pointed to a man in a black jacket that was too small for him. The guys, looking fearful, answered without hesitation. "We received word of this miracle girl who was struck by lightning and wanted to do exclusives on her," he half yelled at a very fast speed. Then it was Dad's turn to yell. "I won't let you publicly expose this family over some stupid little incident that happened three weeks ago!" He said as thunder rang out in the back ground and lighting flashed. I couldn't help but grin to myself. Perfect timing. I stared into the distant clouds. The last time I did this, I was falling to what was supposed to be my death. Then something caught my eyes. A little sparkle, then another, and another, and soon it was raining good, warm, rain. I smiled and watched all of the camera men and women run for cover under the awning for they couldn't ruin their precious camera equipment. Thank God for rain. With a cleared path in front of me, I took a step out of the house and walked down the driveway. Rain is lovely. The feeling of the pitter patter on your skin. The sound of it rhythmically hitting the earth, the smell of it on the pavement; magical really; beautiful; wonderful. I took a deep breathe in through my nose, smelling the wondrous water as I walked. I closed my eyes and listened. No man-made noise was heard, only nature on man-made objects. The sound of water drops hitting metal roofs, empty trashcans, the side walk. I opened my eyes again then stopped walking. I couldn't hear people, but I knew I had their eyes on me. Their stares were burning holes in me. I wasn't in my yard anymore, though I could see it if I wanted to, but my back was turned to it. I didn't want to see the reporters. I just wanted to be simple for a moment. At this particular moment, I felt like I was extraordinarily simple for I was just a girl, standing in the middle of rain, in the middle of the road, soaking wet, wearing a dress and no shoes, and I wanted nothing more. I wish I had always loved rain like this. It would have made life so much easier. I heard footsteps behind me and turned to face cameramen and reporters with their waterproof coats and camera covers. My dad started walking towards them to shoo them away but I stopped him with a raise of my hand. Why should he make my life choices? I turned expectantly towards the news teams waiting for questions. No one was asking though. They were all just staring at me like I was a new found species of some sort. I thought hard and tried to remember some of the questions asked earlier. Coming up empty, I ended up being the first to ask questions, "What would you all like to know? Clearly you want my story, but what part of my story is it you want?" They all seemed shocked at my action. I was even a little shocked myself. Despite me speaking up, I don't really like attention though and I'm only doing this because my dad didn't want me to. Finally someone from the back broke the awkward silence they had created, "I want to know the part of your story in which you were truck by lightning." Really, guy? Really? I rolled my eyes. Okay, well first you guys suck at your job, and second... I wanted to say, but refrained. Since I can't answer unasked questions, I'll just tell them what I think they want to know, "I had run away from home— about a week before— and had been sleeping under a tree. I woke up to this huge storm," I kept telling my story up until the point where I was released from the hospital. I didn't tell them every little detail of my story, but I told them enough to keep their shallow, little news heads entertained. At the end of the day, we didn't end up going to church, Dad didn't talk to me, my story had been on tv once, and I was kind of upset. Although, nothing drastic changed in the past twelve hours, I had started to feel weird. My stomach wasn't quite right, and my conscious knew something was off, but I'd experienced this feeling before. It was that gut feeling you get when you know something is off, and given my current state of being it could only mean one thing: I did not belong here.