Beloved

I Just Want To Be Happy

It seems like it was only yesterday I looked into your eyes filled with accusations of how I wasn't able to share my deepest thoughts with you.

"Why can't you just tell me what you feel? Why do I always have to guess what goes on in your mind?"

I never saw it as a problem, it was just who I am, who I was brought up to be.

Being independent wasn't a choice for me that I made, it was rather the reality I was born into.

On my good days I would joke and say I was so lucky to not have the same parental authority figures my friends had. I was free of restrictions and could do whatever I wanted in life, I could be whoever I wanted.

But with freedom comes the never ending anxiety of ending up alone in this world. Sure, I have had amazing friends in life, some who have went along with my journey for over ten to fifteen years and many of them I still call my best friends today.

Yet for them to truly see what goes on inside my head it takes more than trust for me. It almost seems impossible in my mind to open up that much.

I can trust a person and would help them achieve greatness and help them overcome their hardships and still not talk about my deepest darkest thoughts.

It wasn't about a lack of trust, to be honest for the most part I trusted too easily. It was about my fear of being abandoned after I would show these raw emotions.

I would say I have different versions of myself that I create for each person I meet. It doesn't mean that I'm not myself when I'm with them, it's just like putting a small part of your soul into a persona which could trust easily and have no fears. Like my own personal horcruxes.

Once you lose a small part of your soul, it takes something from you which never returns.

Although you didn't give away your whole being and are able to rebuild and regrow the part you have lost over time, the original part is lost forever and over time you don't have any original pieces left of your soul.

All that remains is what you have rebuilt after each loss.

It's our choice how we rebuild these pieces and it would define us as a human. Some people would feel reborn and would find strength in their loss.

I however wouldn't say I'm the strongest person on that matter. I would even go as far as to admit that deep down I am pretty weak and easily shaken up emotionally.

When I feel loss, I feel it with my whole being. My chest feels like it carries the weight of the whole world and in a moment of realization I know my happiness would never return.

Being aware of this now and how I would sometimes push people away because I was scared that if I loved them too much and in turn lost them, I wouldn't be able to handle that. But I wasn't so aware of this then.

I thought everyone had their troubles and who was I to not try to fix everything by myself first, before seeking help?

That's why my whole life I was a problem solver. I wasn't that good at math problems to be honest but life problems, hardships, troubles were my specialty.

I was once named the official friendship psychologist and would often try to fix random people's traumas, never once thinking about whether I should start with my own traumas first. Fixing others made me happy and content that this would heal my inner child.

But it never did.

It's like being a shopaholic. Buying things makes you momentarily happy. In those few seconds, you know that the thing you wanted now belongs to you and it makes you feel content.

But the thing about an addiction is that you always need more. It's not even about wanting but truly needing.

I also needed more. I also needed to be saved like I would try to save others. But how do you let yourself be saved if you don't even know what you need saving from?

"If you can't be truly honest with me about what you want, how could we even try to build our future?" Dean demanded.

I know the look in your eyes. I've seen it multiple times before.

"What's wrong with you, why would you suddenly break off our friendship?"

"How hard can it be to just be true to yourself?"

"Why won't you feel content with what you have?"

"Why can you never finish the things you started?"

It was the kind of judgement I couldn't even argue with, which would make it even scarier.

I knew they were right at some point, at least from their perspective. The thing about perspectives is that they tend to be different.

What would seem impossible for one person is the easiest thing for the next and what seemed too easy to even consider thinking about more than a few seconds, could be the hardest thing someone would have to endure on this earth.

Therefore you asking me what I wanted in life and what I wanted from you and why I couldn't open up to you would be the most difficult questions you could have asked me at the time.

"I just want to be happy I guess."