God Knows I Tried - Midnight Mass

Snippet: future chapter

I'm BACK babieee, go follow my tumblr @americanwh0restuff for updates, more fanfics and funny stuff...

Snippet: smut(ish) warning, been thinking about this for a while, heavily inspired by fleabag and priest by sierra Simone...

00?

Liz stood awkwardly in the entrance of the sanctuary, the smell of incense and communion wafers stagnant in the air, she wiped her eyes, her mind flashed back to earlier, the crock-pot luck, and that poor dog... the pain in joes voice, the look on everyone's face...

It was now dark out, the small park had cleared, people were retiring for the night, leaving their dim porch lights on and drawing their curtains.

She didn't know why, but she stopped at the church on her walk home. Her chest felt heavy, with sadness, with grief, and most of all with guilt.

Her heels clicked as she walked towards the confessional, not even sure if father Paul would be in there, maybe that would be better? What's more holy than a confession between you and god? Maybe she'd finally feel that connection she'd so long pushed away.

When Liz entered she could see a small glint of candle light through the lattice, what could be a silhouette of a face, but could also be a trick of the light through her blurry eyes.

She sat, not wanting to kneel on the itchy carpeted bench, instead she looked at her feet, played with the hemline of her velvet dress, her Sunday best as her mom would say, pretty yet modest, long sleeved and buttoned up to her neck, yet pretty little cutouts along the thigh. She chuckled to herself, thinking about how proud her mother would be to see her in church.

It was silent in the booth, the only sound being Liz's small breaths, her heartbeat in her ears until, "Father Paul?"

She heard him chuckle softly.

"Liz-" He greeted her. "I'm sorry, usually confession should feel anonymous, I was just surprised by your voice... didn't take you for the confessional type."

She smiled softly, picking at her chipped nail polish.

"I'll admit, it's been a while..." She made the sign of the cross across her chest, taking her mother's rosary in her hand.

"May God who has enlightened every heart, help you to know your sins and trust in His Mercy."

"Bless me father for I have sinned, it's been... oh, I don't know, years? Since my last confession."

Her teeth worried her chapped lips, half expecting him to scold her for her disinterest in the church, but he didn't.

"Go on..."

"Envy is a sin right? I know about Saul and David, the jealousy and selfishness, but... I guess I've only ever known envy."

She took a breath.

"When I was a kid, all I wanted was to be normal, have a normal family, a pet dog, a mom who'd make me breakfast every day and a father who'd go to work in some fancy suit every day. I never had that. Then as a teenager, here on crocket island, I'd watch my friends have relationships and dates, and I didn't... and now..."

Her confidence had been depleted, she was now rushing through her own mind, wondering what the hell was she doing?

"Now I want someone, and I know I can't have them."

Paul spoke up. "Is this person married? In a committed relationship?"

"I guess you could say that."

She sighed, now bouncing her leg with nerves.

"He's committed for sure, and passionate, professional, and maybe that's what I like about him, everyone I've ever loved has left me, maybe if I find something that's loyal, committed, the. maybe i can stop running. That's what I do. I run."

There was a long pause.

"Just because somebody is committed to something, that doesn't mean there's no space in their life for new opportunities, of course I don't condone tearing relationships apart, but people can be committed to other things, work, routine-" he stopped. "...religion. If that's the case, then go for it, if it doesn't go the way you want it to, find your inner peace, your closure, accept the things you cannot change."

Liz looked down her feet, there were tears welling in her eyes, she tried to conceal it, but failed as a strained sob escaped her lips.

"I'm sorry, it's just- I'm so tired."

She'd always kept her emotions bottled up, never spoke to her parents or her friends about anything deeper than small gossip and crushes or what the passage of the day was, and it had depleted her, it had drained her energy for years, and now the flood gates had opened.

"I've always just watched life go by, waited on a fucking miracle to happen, told myself that my time would come, my time to love and be loved, to be proud of my life and who I am..." she could hear shifting through the booth, the muffled sound of fabric brushing against the wooden stools.

"Father?"

She stood up and leaned towards the other side of the confessional, trying to get a better view of father Paul's place behind the wired window. He wasn't there

She jumped slightly as the door opened behind her, turning around to see Paul towering over her.

"Forgive me father, for I am going to sin..."

His voice was barely above a whisper as he closed the door behind him, leaning down and taking Liz's face in his hands, wiping the tears from her cheeks. He leaned in, and she closed the gap.