falling for you [destiel/sabriel]

01

CASTIEL

The smoke was everywhere. Sticking to my clothes it was getting into my hair. But I didn't care not really when I first started it annoyed the hell out of me. I would have to take showers at least once a day so I wouldn't smell like a damn casino. But now? Nothing matters now and I guess if that didn't sum up my life nothing would.

I used to be such a fragile thing, you could tell me that my eyes look pretty and I would blush ten shades of red, now I don't even know what I'm living for. My days were taken up by school, the weekends were for homework and well my extracurricular activities ruled my nights.

Some people would say that wasn't nearly enough time for me to do everything I needed to and sleep but I was actually one of the best in my class and I could operate on no sleep for five or so days. Of course I wouldn't recommend it, I had passed out for a day or so after. Not one of my best decisions I must admit, but it was a hell of a time.

Gabriel, Lucifer, Anna and Balthazar my siblings would shit bricks and probably chuck them at me if they found out what I was doing, I think they half knew I wasn't being honest about something but when they found out? Yeah I was going to be dead. My other sister Hester didn't care that much about me anyways so it wasn't like I had anything to worry about her being shocked if she found out. Honestly I think she would be the reason they found out, probably tell them just to get me disowned or something.

My mother and father were never really in the house anymore, they were travelling agents or something so they had to be overseas a lot so they sent money to Anna every month or so as she was the oldest at 23, Hester was 20, Luc and Balth were twins at 18, I was 17, and Gabe was 14.

I had always liked my family with the exception of Hester I knew I could turn to anyone and get good advice or just have a fun time. Taking a drink from the bottle in my hand I let out a sign, gulping down the cool liquid. Sighing I put the bottle down and leaned back on my elbows to look up at the stars spilling across the sky. It was two am in the morning and I had been awake with nothing to do while my window had beckoned me to see if could make my way onto the roof.

So I had grabbed a bottle of vodka and had skillfully made my way onto the roof. Although it was high up I had loved the way I would look down and nothing was there, like if I jumped nothing would stop me. It had given me a euphoria I had hardly ever felt anymore but I knew I wouldn't jump.

Looking up at the night sky I thought about how I probably needed to go to sleep soon and I thought about how much I was afraid of the darkness of death. I mean it scared me my parents are quite religious and Hester even more so. But I had never fully believed in a god or a heaven because if someone was out there who was meant to be guiding us and who could help us, then why was it that he wasn't helping as the world became rotted with poverty and famine and misery.

Why was it that there were people dying of diseases and sickness and people who were the most brilliant and beautiful beings of the world condemn with sadness and disorders? I had never understood how you could put so much faith in something that probably didn't even exist I guess that had always been a problem for me. My faith, I had lost so much belief in everything happiness, love, myself that I didn't even think life was worth living much. Of course my extracurricular activities probably didn't boost my self-esteem much.

Taking a sip every now and then I watched the sky as the stars shine dulled as morning light set in. The sunset bruising the sky deep blues, oranges and reds and when I bothered to stop looking at the sky remembering that it was school today, Monday no less. Groaning I picked myself up and slowly made my way to the window stepping inside shutting the window behind me I saw it was six thirty. Great I thought sarcastically I had gotten absolutely no sleep and my head was pounding from how much I had drank.