I am Aware But I don't know How to Help Myself

I am Aware......

I am aware that i am not alright.

I am aware I've changed.

I am very much Aware that I am Mentally Unstable.

I don't know where to start...

I was in Eight Grade in Highschool when my father Died ..

Exactly In February where Coronavirus Is Rising all over the World...

My father's dead, was it okay to feel nothing?

...

..

.

Because at some point I think I've hypnotized myself that it's fine I still have Mom.

One year past the Pandemic My Mom gave in and followed my Dad...

Around 4-5 or 5-6 pm where the light and Darkness in the sky are colliding...

Hurriedly go to the Hospital hoping for my Mom to be saved....

Doctors Confirmed my Mom's Death...

I Felt Devastated...

Pain.....

Grief....

Anguish..

The Unfamiliar Emotions are Devouring me...

Those Emotions I have felt completely Devoured Me...

I was a Wounded Child and that wound...

It's Killing me slowly....

A wound that was Festering in me...

Slowly Rotting..

I am aware i m not alright as i started have suicidal thoughts..

I tried many times...

Gladly I don't have scars..

I have never once reach out to my Older Siblings..

" I will only become another burden to them... "

That's what I always thought when it comes to my mind whenever I thought of I wanted help from my siblings....

In Despair untill now..

I realized my best of friends wanted to help my relieved some of my burden..

My heart Felt full and so heavy..

I badly wanna share but I felt like dying whenever I open up...

It felt Killing me...

I don't know what to do..

I don't have enough money to have some Therapy that shit is Expensive....

How Can I Help My Poor Self...
I am Aware I am Like This...

Yet I can't seem to find such Reason to stay Lively Every day I woke up ..

My Life is not Interesting Anymore....

My World was once full of colors but now am 19 years old turning to 20..

Since I was in Eight Grade my life...

My Life is Black and White..

It's colorless world....

I am in PAIN...

I want to be HEALED...

But i cannot help myself, life's already colorless,
I was like a lost child who didn't know how to walk as I am in the Cage of My Own Despair....

I am Aware that I Am Depressed but I don't know How to Help Myself.....