Kai• ros | Julian Brandt

7.

I think the right time has come for me to share with you the chapter of my life, which was named after the man who was an integral part of it. The chapter that I somewhat selfishly and cowardly ended. A chapter that seems to have longed for the last lines to be added to it.

Luca Landenberger, was the name behind a charming, good-looking, ambitious thirtysomething. The embodiment of the perfect man and the embodiment of every woman's dream and desire.

Do you know all those novels written by Inge Lindstrom or Rosamunde Pilcher that fill our grandmothers' libraries, or romantic movies with happy endings? Terms like soulmate, prince on a white horse, or love at first sight? Luca Landenberger was the prototype of a man who fit perfectly into this idealized construct. At least at first glance, while your eyes are blind, protected by rose-colored glasses or until you are me, the ungrateful Carlotta.

Luca got involved in my life completely by accident. Paradoxically, he was the best friend of the man who first drove me crazy in Switzerland, and as a result, he was the one who introduced us.

To this day, I remember our meeting. I could perfectly describe that day, every single detail or little thing that happened.

It was a cold February evening that we decided to end in our favorite restaurant. Me, my friends, their partners and the object of my interest at the time. I won't tell you his name, because from that day on he didn't play any role in my life.

Luca sat at our table all evening. He joked, had fun, and thanks to his broad overview, he was able to get involved in any topic that came up at the table. He was simply charming and managed to win over not only me but also all my girlfriends with his charm.

We exchanged furtive glances and sweet smiles all night long. That evening happended only that, but our paths have crossed countless times since that moment. Random meetings, later alternated with pre-planned ones, and over time I got the impression that Bern had finally offered me the piece of happiness that my heart longed for.

He was different, and by his otherness he was different from all the men who had caught my eye during my life. He exuded security, with which he made a woman feel protected, loved and adored.

I would like to find some fault with him. Anything to justify my decision to leave. However, the truth was that Luca's exaggerated kindness and superhuman perfection got me tired over time. Even the initial enchantment faded and the beginning of a loving relationship became just a kind of habit. A habit I couldn't break.

There were nights filled with burdensome thoughts and questions to which I could not find an answer. Did I love him at all? Wasn't it just a whim? Desire of my heart not to be alone anymore?

Now I know that I knew the answers to the individual questions very well. However, I was afraid of how they sounded and so I never said them out loud. I locked them deep inside me and closed my eyes to all the problems, thinking that it was just some kind of phase, a relationship crisis that would pass.

It wasn't. Unfortunately or should I perhaps write thanks God?

Our relationship lasted almost five years and if it wasn't for Luca proposing to me on our anniversary, I probably would never have gotten up the courage to leave.

Yes, I really said no to that perfect man who knelt before me and was willing to spend the rest of his life with me. What more. Without another word, without any explanation or stupid apology, I packed up and ran out of our apartment. You already know very well how it continued.

You all probably see me as an ungrateful and cowardly bitch. Exactly like my conscience does. And you know what? I don't resent you at all. But know that I'd rather be an ungrateful and cowardly bitch than continue to persist in a one-sided relationship that has been killing me for many months.