* 02/24/23 *
sometimes I feel like disappearing. i know a lot of people would be better off without me. im too much, im scary, im rude, im crazy. i wish i couldn't be who i am. i wish i could be one of those nice pretty girls but no, i just have to be a vulgar, loud ugly fat girl. i wish i could've at least been as pretty as my brother. why did god make me ugly? i wish my parents didn't have me sometimes. it hurts realizing although they planned me, they never wanted a daughter and never will. sure, they've come to like me, but i know deep down they will never love me the way they love their boys. i sometimes wonder what it would feel like to die. its weird but in the back of the mind, there's always a thought that i could die right now. the bus im in right now could crash into a pole right now and id be gone immediately. id never want anyone else to die, despite how i am irl. I love everyone so much. i care so much trying to make people like me but i can't. i can feel the scared, disgusted looks on my classmates faces. i wish i was quiet like i was when the school knew i was suicidal. now that im in highschool, the school just doesn't care anymore. everyday i think about how much happier the world will be once im an empty seat in class, an empty spot on stage, simply a memory, and not a good one. i hope the others on this bus can't hear my sniffles but i can't hear anything thru my music. but to be honest, i think it's better this way. i can't hear whatever they're saying, what they're thinking, i won't be imagining their faces and what they're saying about me like i do when my headphones are off. i wish i could wear my headphones all the time. i wish i could disappear and i don't care if some people would be sad, because so many more people wouldn't be. their lives wouldn't be effected at all. i have no impact on this earth and never will. ill probably kill myself after highschool, but ill probably be a pussy like every other time and baby out and cry myself to sleep. im probably gonna cry myself to sleep tonight as well. theres a few things i would miss if i finally did kill myself. id miss my cats. i love my cats so much, i couldn't leave my babies yet jeje i love them. i think that's honestly the only thing id miss if i was dead. if i have nothing to live for besides my cats, maybe i should just wait til my babies are gone. ill die with them.
oh my god im so excited to go home and lay down, i haven't been comfortable in so long. i need a nap.
song im listening to at the end -
We Cry Together - Kendrick Lamar
