Spare me !

Chapter 1 : Hope

To be or not to be?

The answer came to me two years ago when the police arrived at my house to tell me that my parents had died in a car accident. An accident? No, why call it that? It was a tragedy! The beginning of my descent into hell. And now here I am at the station, dwelling on my past!

It all started when I was 16. I decided to become an aeroplane pilot. Travelling was my dream, so what better way than to make a career out of it. At the time, me and my parents were a very close-knit family. My parents supported me in my project. They were very committed. So much so that it ended up being their dream rather than mine. I'd always wanted to go to university and I knew deep down that I wasn't ready for a preparatory school. I'd skipped two classes and at the age of 16 it was unimaginable for me to have to put up with all that mental strain. But my parents gave me no choice. And when I arrived at MPSI, I was completely disorientated. From the very first day, I felt out of place, like I didn't belong. And it didn't get any better. Days went by, weeks went by and I fell further and further behind in my work.

The students there were like work animals and as soon as they raised their heads it was to stare at me. Do you know what it's like every day to be belittled and humiliated by your classmates and teachers? The maths teacher summoned me three times in front of the whole class, and when he handed in the tests I was always last in the class. It was a traumatic time for me. The others would always come up to me and say, "What the hell are you doing here, Dianna? or "You're lowering the standard of the school". These taunts broke me down into little pieces, discouraged me and destroyed me. The teachers gave me no respite. The maths teacher was the one I dreaded the most: he'd bang me on the head with sheets of paper, threaten me by raising his wooden ruler to my head, show my papers to the whole class to make fun of me and say at the top of his voice: "Have you thought about changing direction? Reorienting myself? It was all I ever dreamed of, but my parents threatened to cut me off. But when spring arrived I made a decision that I'll never regret. I left for university, it was too much for me. From that day on, my parents didn't speak to me for two months. We lived under the same roof, but apart from that nothing brought us closer together. It was as if I'd destroyed our family.

And then, one day, everything changed; the police came to my house and told me that my parents had died. I'll regret all my life not having reconciled with my parents before that. I realised at that moment that everything was going to be unhappy, melancholy and bitter. The same bitterness left after vomiting. This constant nausea that I can't get rid of. It's what drove me to tempt the devil, to want to open the door to hell, to fall into the arms of Morpheus forever. My life has lost all meaning. I feel like I'm standing still in a world where everyone else is moving. You know that pole that stands still every day. Unnoticed. Invisible. Yes, that's right: I'm invisible. I don't go to university any more, I feel like I'm screwing up everything. No, to tell you the truth, I'm screwing up everything. Since that day, I don't listen to anyone, I'm in my own world, immersed in my own thoughts, in a hellish tunnel that's almost the same as the one I had in prep school, to tell you the truth. This tunnel is black, dark and endless. There was only one way out, and that was to call on the eternal Morpheus. I went through 10 foster homes and 10 suicide attempts. Ironic.

But today I realised that there was nothing left for me to do here and that it was time for me to take my destiny into my own hands. I still have a glimmer of hope. That's what keeps me going, what gives me the breath I need to get back on my feet. Today, I'm leaving. I'm going far away from here. Away from where my parents died. To start a new life in Spain. As I write this, I'm standing outside the station waiting for my train to Barcelona. I'm not hoping for a miracle over there, don't get me wrong. I'm just hoping to find a job in a nightclub, something in the party business that will allow me to live my life in peace. So what better place than Barcelona. I'm a bit scared, it's like throwing myself into a void. But it's this fear that I'm looking for. It gives me the will to live, it makes me excited, it gives me a breath of joy. A breath of hope. Hope.The train is coming. I've got nothing left to lose, nothing left to gain.Just hope!