Bruce F*cking with the JLA

Chapter One

Most of the members of the recently formed Justice League believe that Batman has no sense of humor. Superman, who had known The Bat for years prior, insists he does; it's just a wicked, dry, sarcastic sense of humor. Flash and Green Lantern constantly argue that they
would have witnessed a joke by now if that was the case. Green Lantern and Green Arrow have agreed he was born a sour-puss, but Flash has come to the conclusion that Joker had
something to do with his no-jokes-allowed sensibility. Any time the topic is brought up around Wonder Woman, she is quick to squash it, stating: "It is none of their business" and to leave Batman alone.

Batman, of course, does have a sense of humor. And he finds it very funny to annoy and tease his new teammates. A particularly fun method he found is utilizing his civilian identity.

Anytime Brucie Wayne is brought up, he is sure to be present to insert some scathing comment: from calling himself "a vapid trust fund baby that never grew up" to "a floozy
minimal brain function whose child runs his company". These comments in themselves are fun to make, but the others' reactions are what's really funny.

They have all been known to interject a disagreement over Brucie Wayne's character. Oliver never fails to step in to try to defend his friend's honor, but in an effort to conceal how exactly he knows Bruce Wayne, he usually ends up floundering and accidentally insulting Bruce. Clark always gives his usual disapproving look and chimes in with something along the lines of: "I know how he is often spoken about in the media, but I've met him on a few occasions and he's really not like that."

(It's also funny to watch Clark trying to avoid outing himself as a reporter, as his high regard for Bruce Wayne stems from an interview where Bruce did flirt with Clark relentlessly, but
also went into great detail on the dozens of Wayne Enterprise projects helping to rebuild Gotham into a better city - Clark wrote a very flattering article following that interview.)

Flash pushed one day, "Why are you always defending him, Supes? Do you- oh my god, do you have a crush?" He manages to work 'crush' into a two syllable word.

"What, no!" Superman responds, in a panic, far too quickly, "He's just..." "Look, Bruce Wayne has done a ton of stuff for Gotham: his company has built orphanages, schools, and hospitals. He's created dozens of care programs, renovated housing and public buildings, and created scholarships for kids who wouldn't have even graduated high school otherwise. And... and he's just really... selfless."

That got a chuckle from nearly everyone listening.

Superman huffs, then continues, "I'm serious! There was this one time.He was in a hostage situation -"

"Go figure," Green Lantern interrupts, Bruce's kidnappings are a running gag at this point.

Superman ignores the interruption, "He was visiting an elementary school," he now has everyone's full attention,"The thug was waving his gun around, really on edge. I was timing my entrance to take him down without startling him so he wouldn't start firing randomly into a room full of children. But, Bruce; he was totally calm. He talked the guy down. I'll never forget it, he just got the man's attention in a real gentle voice and said," Clark does a shockingly accurate copy of Bruce Wayne's voice as he reiterates the words he'd heard, "These are kids, listen to me, these are just kids. If you need to point the gun at someone, point it at me.' He got the guy to hand over the gun and turn himself into the police."The room is eerily quiet for a few beats before Flash breaks it, "So, that was when you fell in love?" The room eruptes into chaos and a few laser beams.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later that day, after the responsible parties clean the mess hall from their miniature battle, Superman sought out Batman.

"Why are you always insulting when Bruce Wayne is mentioned? I mean, like, do you just have some sort of grudge against him, or do you know something I don't?"

"Why do you care? Don't tell me Flash was right."

Superman's face flushes, "No, it's
not -" He takes a steadying breath, "I do really like and admire him. But, I trust your judgment, so if you think Wayne is bad news, I'll believe you."

Bruce carefully measures his words, "Maybe you just see something in him I can't,"he pauses,"I trust your judgment,too."

Bruce is gifted with a dazzling Superman smile, so he figures he navigated that confrontation
well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next time Bruce found an appropriate opportunity to use his alter-ego for his amusement
was when Batman uncovered a new insidious plot floating around Gotham's underbelly: a plot to kidnap Bruce Wayne on the orders of Lex Luther. If it was nearly anyone else organizing this kidnapping, Batman would have simply dropped in and shut down the whole operation - but Lex Luther wanted him.That was different.

When Batman decides to inform Superman as well as the rest of the JLA, he comes prepared with a plan.

"Let me get this straight, you want to let Wayne get kidnapped - again - despite us knowing it's coming this time." If it were possible, Green Lantern's jaw would be on the floor.

"No, I want you to protect Wayne and supervise the potential abduction. If he is taken, you follow and learn what Luthor wants."

Superman looks stricken, "You want to use him as bait?"

Didn't he just say that? Exasperated, Batman huffs, "Are you saying four members of the Justice League can't protect one person?"

Wonder Woman steps in, sensing the fight that was about to begin, "I agree with Batman's plan. We should allow Luther's plans to go forward, under our safeguard, and learn what he
wants with Mr. Wayne."

"Yeah, I'm down too," Flash adds, "But, the only thing I don't get is why you won't be there, Bats? Like, out of all of the JLA, you're the stealthy, reconnaissance guy."

"I have a prior engagement." Batman departs immediately to deter any follow-up questions.

He doesn't get away quickly enough and still hears Hal say, "Fifty bucks, he just doesn't want to get stuck babysitting Princess Brucie."

TO BE CONTINUED...