be transparent with me

THREE

"Don't fucking say shit like that." Katsuki glared at Izuku, who furrowed his brows and stared at him. "I don't- fuck. Ugh." Katsuki rubbed his face. "You died, Deku." Katsuki didn't break eye contact, Izuku opened his mouth but quickly closed it. "You fuckin jumped off a god damn building and left m- left your mom. Left everyone who ever cared about you because you were fuckin unhappy with your stupid life. Don't you fucking dare say that I would rather you not be here because I wouldn't. As much as I dislike you and your shitty nerd personality I wouldn't want you dead." Katsuki huffed.

Izuku was speechless. Wide eyed mouth open kind of speechless. Had Katsuki really surprised him that much? Just by saying he doesn't want him dead? Really? "What." Katsuki spat, still trying to calm himself down from his mini explosion. He didn't really fancy gettin into the habit of yelling at air. "The fuck is that look for." he didn't phrase it as a question.

"You-" Izuku paused, searching for words. Eyebrows furrowed and still looking at Katsuki as if he'd grown two heads. "You mean that? You'd miss me? If I died? Or, uh. Well. You did miss me?" Izuku rephrased. Katsuki frowned, his mouth almost a ruler straight line. Izuku was stupid. Or maybe Katsuki was. For thinking his harassment over the years had no effect on him. That he was just too stupidly bright to ever take the hint that Katsuki didn't like him. Maybe they were both stupid.

"Do you really think that fucking little of me?" Katsuki swore at Izuku. Some part of him thought it was sort of funny. The fact that Izuku had died --(because of him)-- and the second Katsuki gets him back, gets to finally talk to him, make up for a lifetime of abuse... they immediately find a way to fight. Or, Katsuki finds a way to fight. Maybe they could've been friends if Katsuki was able to take a hit or two. "You really think that I wouldn't care if—that you died?"

"I—" Izuku once again stopped in his tracks. Something in his eyes changed, something into more confident. Maybe he thought that since he was a ghost, and Katsuki couldn't touch him, he could afford to take a couple risks. "Yes. I do." Katsuki stared at him. "A-and I mean this in the um- nicest way possible Kacchan, but you haven't exactly given me any reasons to think you... like me." Izuku fidgeted with his hands, some of that confidence disappearing. "I was alone, when I died." Katsuki paused, he didn't know much about why or how Izuku had died, all he knew was that it was a suicide. "U-um, and when I woke up I was really confused because no one could see me? I figured it out pretty quickly that I was dead." he looked up at Katsuki.

"I went to my own funeral, Kacchan. I know the people I lost, a-and the people who lost me. If I could go back and find some way to live I would've because I never had the intention of leaving my mom. As much as I hate my life as it is now, I would never leave just because I was 'unhappy' with it." Izuku spoke calm and clearly, it was weird, but Katsuki supposed that 'weird' was just becoming part of his life now. Izuku seemed confident, and while Katsuki knew well how determined he was- it was almost never towards him. 

"Then why the fuck did you kill yourself?" Katsuki was standing up now, his desk chair forgotten as it rolled to the other side of the room.

"I didn't—" a sigh. Izuku looked like he was loosing his own patients. "I don't know why you even bothered to bring me back here," Izuku stood up.

"Do you-" Katsuki couldn't look at him. Izuku didn't say anything, and it was now more then ever that Katsuki wished he would. He didn't want to know the answer to this, but he felt like he should. "Do you hate me?" Katsuki looked up, he didn't have to tell him for what. They both knew. 

"I-" he paused to stare at Katsuki. "I don't know." Izuku sat back down. "You made my life so... horrible. Everyday I was scared to go to school, and it made me feel worthless as a person. You made me want to quit doing the things I loved. B-but I don't think I could hate you. Maybe it would've made this a lot more simple if I did." Katsuki clenched his fists.

"Yeah. Maybe it would have." how was he supposed to respond to that? As much as Katsuki regretted what he had done to Izuku, it would've been too awkward, too embarrassing, to apologize now. After all, what good would it do? Izuku was dead. He was nothing more than a ghost, or maybe a part of Kastuki's imagination. Did Auntie Inko know about this? Know about Katsuki's harassment? Or had Izuku kept that a secret? Guilt gripped him tight. Izuku would never be able to open up to his mom about it, or about anything, ever again. All because Katsuki was stupid enough to say something he thought made him cool, maybe a little funny. He hadn't thought that it would have such an impact.

What would have happened if he had kept his mouth shut? Would Izuku still have jumped? Or would he have lived his life happily, with his mom, and the stray cat near his house.

The room became silent, Katsuki still stood, and Izuku was fidgeting with his blazer's buttons. Katsuki could tell Izuku wanted to say something. "What is it."

"Ummmmmmm."

"Spit it out already. You may already be dead but I have the rest of my life ahead of me." Katsuki wondered if it was offensive that he was making dead jokes to someone who's death was his fault.

Izuku looked up at him, that confidence Katsuki had seen was gone now. "Kacchan... I didn't kill myself." Katsuki stared at him. Had he heard that right?

"...What?"