be transparent with me

FOUR

Izuku hadn't wanted to die. Not like this. Not for a very, very long time. In fact, he had even gone to the lengths to make a plan.

Step one: live through middle school. Sure, it was a pretty easy step one, he had been pretty sure he would be able to do it, it wasn't like Kacchan's intention was to kill him in the first place. Step two: apply, and get into, U.A., how? Izuku hadn't gotten that far into that seeing as he didn't have a quirk. Maybe he could get in through the general course and prove himself in the sports festival. Step three: become a hero, Step four: profit.

Maybe that proved just how hopeless he was, seeing how badly he'd messed up step one.

Izuku had been walking home when he was attacked. It was one of the most painfully scary things he's ever been through, and he wouldn't wish it on his worst enemy. He had felt the life drain away from him, his consciousness slipping. The oxygen quickly leaving his body, and he couldn't do anything about it.

If All Might hadn't been there to save him he would've died then. Izuku was grateful to him, and now, looking back, he was extremely embarrassed with how he had acted. Clinging to his hero's leg like some kind of crazed stalker (he kind of was, if he was honest)? Embarrassing. Horrible. Izuku will be haunted by it for the rest of his existence. Izuku hadn't intended to find out All Might's secret, really!

Besides, small or big, All Might was All Might. Izuku had thought that maybe, just maybe, that the number one hero would tell him something no one else had.

Tell him that he could become a hero.

When he said no, Izuku felt the weight of the world crash down on him. Suddenly he felt like he could hear everything, see, smell, feel the whole world. It felt like he had been underwater his whole life, and only now he had surfaced. He had been expecting it, a part of him. Izuku had known that maybe his dream was stupid, childish. That he realistically couldn't be a hero. It didn't help that All Might had told him the smile he flashed was fake, although, now that Izuku thought about it... it made sense. There was no way someone like All Might, who had seen all kinds of horrors in his life, could continue smiling like there was nothing wrong with the world.

All Might had gotten up to leave, spouting some nonsense about Izuku becoming a police officer or something, he hadn't been listening. Izuku had found himself at the edge of the roof, gripping the rusty railing tightly, maybe too tightly. He could feel the sharp metal digging and tearing at his skin, but he didn't move. All Might had sounded worried when he saw where Izuku was, of course he would. A quirkless boy had just asked him if he could do the impossible, and after hearing the truth went straight to the edge of the building? Who wouldn't be worried about that?

All Might seemed to have gotten the wrong idea of what Izuku had been doing. Yes, he had gone to the edge, but no, it wasn't to kill himself. Smoke and fire was in the distance, was there a villain attack? Its near his school... "My boy?" a hand on Izuku's shoulder startled him.

"Sorry? Oh! Yes, All Might! Hello!" he had shuffled away from him, leaning with his back against the railing, "is everything alright?" Izuku had asked.

"I should be asking you the same thing, are you alright?" Izuku didn't think longer then was necessary about the fact that the number one hero had thought he was about to jump off, simply because of a few words. No, Izuku was a lot more determined then that. He wouldn't die for something as simple as not getting the job he wants.

"Um, yeah. Yes, alright. Um- All Might, I think there's a villain attack going on." Izuku said quietly. "U-um! Not that you should go to it because uh you know y-your time limit and such but like- that was what I was staring at." Izuku waved his hands around, leaning a bit harder on the railing, he could hear it creek.

"Kiddo, I don't think you should be leaning on that—" All Might took a step towards Izuku. But he was too late.

Izuku hadn't even realized he was falling, but he also didn't remember when he did. He watched in slow motion All Might try and power up, but only to cough and shrink. He couldn't get to him in time.

Izuku was pretty sure the fall didn't kill him. He was about 87% sure that the loss of blood did, he remembered hearing the sickening sound of his bones crunching, hyper aware of the crowd of people surrounding him. He watched with blurry vision someone yelling for someone to call the police, but he could barely hear them over the ringing in his ears. He could see All Might, on the roof, staring at him. Somehow he was the only thing in his vision that was clear as day. He watched his expression change from shock, to fear, to sadness. And then to an expression Izuku couldn't name, before he had gotten up and left the edge of the building.

Izuku didn't know if he had left him, or had gone downstairs to help him. He had already passed out by then. There wasn't some meaningful moment afterwards, where he meets with a deceased relative to guide him to the afterlife. It was just black. He was aware of the sound's around him fading out, and before he knew it, he was dead.

Izuku had woken up at his own funeral. Fear and adrenaline pumping through him, he hardly noticed that when he sat up, he had gone through his own casket. He had figured it out pretty quickly, seeing his mom crying while clinging to the casket for her dear life. He hadn't tried to talk to her, hadn't tried to touch her. He knew what would've happened if he had, Izuku wasn't stupid. Somehow, he had come back, and judging by the way no body had dropped their jaw and started screaming, he was invisible.

It had freaked him out a little to see Katsuki at his funeral, looking pained. But Izuku had brushed it off at the time. Of course, Izuku knew that Katsuki would be some kind of upset about his death, they had known each other for a long while after all. But he didn't really think that he would be super upset about it, like Katsuki's mom had said. Had he cried knowing Izuku would never come back? Or lie awake at night thinking about all the things he could've done to save him? No, probably not. 

He hadn't known what to do, so he did whatever he would normally do. He went to school, went home, slept (or tried to), and repeat. Or, at least he did on the first couple of days. He stopped going home in favor for drifting around the city after he saw the state his mom was in. It was too painful, and too awkward, to watch her cry herself to sleep every night. Or to look at his baby pictures with tears in her eyes. His need to leave only got worse once the reporters came, he felt a little angry at them bombarding his mom, who hasn't had time to fully mourn, questions about the source of her grief.

Sometimes he would spend his days at school, mostly he would follow around Katsuki, since he didn't know or was particularly close with anyone else.

Izuku didn't really know how to feel with the assembly the school had the first day back. On the one hand, it was nice to know that they didn't want any more deaths. But on the other, it didn't feel very sincere. If they had truly cared they would have done something when he had come to them about the bullying, instead of brushing him off as a quirkless kid crying wolf for attention.

A couple of times, Izuku thought that maybe Katsuki could see him. But that had just been wishful thinking at the time.

"You asked what could be keeping me here?" Izuku finally said after explaining. Katsuki had been quiet the while he spoke, not peeping a word as he spoke about how he died. Izuku looked up. "Kacchan, so many things. Too many things." Izuku's voice cracked. "I don't think you're ever gonna get rid of me." he was smiling as the tears finally dripped down his face. He hadn't cried when he'd died, or when he found out he was a ghost, or the nights he watched his loved ones mourn his death.

But now, finally, he let himself.