The reflection of the Queen: Exile

Chapter 23: The ghost of our losses

"Perse, what are you doing?"

I grimaced before turning to a tall, spear-wielding young man whose black eyes stared blankly at me.

"Rodion..."

"Were you going out?"

'What I was missing' I thought, but I softened when I saw that his gaze was not empty at all. It was tinged with sadness, with pain. I didn't know how many of the men I had sent on that ship were just acquaintances, how many people I had come to appreciate and how many were his friends. This war had not even begun, and already it seemed to Rodion that it was too big for him.

"I'm very sorry, Rodion."

"Why? "

"For your men. I am sorry for what happened."

Rodion snorted, shaking his head, twirling the spear.

"So you've heard. Then you know who did it..."

"I know it was them."

We were both silent, staring at each other, and I could not recognize in us those two young people who had been so happy together. The Rodion before me did not look like the Rodion all smiles, dreams and kindness that embraced me under the stars. No, now I could clearly see the bitterness and helplessness twisting in the depths of his eyes, his smile turned into a firm straight line that had been sketched by his father too many times before him. He was tired, tense, sore and, for the first time, defeated. And I no longer wanted to be that girl who believed her first love would always run to meet her, who laughed with him so he wouldn't know her heart had been bleeding for years.

"Nothing can be done now," he muttered, looking down. "It's cold, we'd better go back inside."

"I'm not going."

He looked at me again, confused.

"Where are you going?"

"I have to go."

"Perse, where are you going?"

"What do you care?"

His face suddenly hardened.

"Answer me, Perse."

"Since when do I owe you explanations, Rodion?"

He seemed to be getting more and more nervous, but I didn't care.

"Months ago I would have answered you, but now I don't have to. You don't have to meddle in my life in the slightest, so if you want to come back in, do so, but leave me alone."

"What are you saying? Where are you planning to go?"

"I told you it's none of your business!"

"Perse, that's enough, get inside at once."

He tried to grab my wrist, and I pulled away shocked.

"What are you doing?"

"Why do you want to go out at this hour, Perse? Are you meeting someone?"

I opened my mouth in indignation, but closed it when I realized that he was not wrong. The tardiness of my response gave him leverage to continue.

"Don't tell me what that is! Are you really going to see someone after you find out that my colleagues have been massacred?"

"Please, Rodion, tell me you're not jealous."

"Is there a reason I should be? Is there a reason I should be? Just tell me where you're going!"

"You have no right to ask me where I'm going, or if I plan to see anyone, and above all you don't have the slightest right to be jealous when you're the one who decided to end our relationship! Do you hear yourself? I know that the death of your friends has affected you, but that's no excuse for you to talk to me like that!"