WASD FM Introduction Saga

Ya Know! For Kids!

                        He will come transformed as an angel of light.

     The sun peeked over the green hill-scape of a big little town (or little big town) known as Virtuaville. The still and serene water of the Virtua River reflected the rising sun rays as a light fog traveled upstream (or downstream). The world was waking up as coffee makers brewed in some homes while tea kettles whistled in other homes. Traffic had not had begun to pack the 404 and 1001 freeways, but a modest amount of early, early morning risers were already driving along to start their day of productivity.
  The birds were certainly wide awake and singing, "wake me up! Before you go-go. Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo. Wake me up! Before you go-go. Don't wanna miss it when you hit that high." As the toads snapped their...they have fingers right? Well, they were snapping rhythmically to the beat.
  Most of the residents were naturally not too keen on listening to whatever music the birds provided, which was the exact same song every morning. Most of the residents preferred tuning into this ancient relic that not many kids know about today, this thing called a radio. Ipso facto, you can use modern day devices to tune in to radio streams such as a smart phone device.  If you had enough tech savvy, you could even stream a radio station with a potato, a penny, a cord and a pair of antennae (hooked to a speaker, of course). Sadly, Radio Shack doesn't exist in this world either, so finding a regular old radio was becoming increasingly less common in this world. It seemed as though modern day media treated radio with less respect. With so many alternatives such as video streaming and other music apps, it seemed the industry was deliberately out to kill off radio altogether. Radio seemed to just be simply surviving because for one, it wasn't expensive to handle at this point having been around for over a hundred years and for two, it was more simplistic and reliable. Most people were already familiar with the personality they heard through their speakers to reliably greet them every morning, and predictably play their favorite tunes (which wasn't the same Wham! song on an endless loop).
  Now, your criticism of radio may be of the mainstream opinion. Why listen to the radio when they annoyingly play the same forty songs all day long? Whereas, that may be true for most radio stations, it certainly wasn't true for WASD FM. WASD FM had a loaded playlist that not even the owner of the radio station could keep track of. If listeners heard a song they really liked for more than the first time, then it was truly an event...or a request hour, which is pretty eventful. Then again, each disc jockey (we can refer to them as DJs for short) provided their own genre except for the morning DJ who played a little bit of everything between his mic breaks. Who is this morning DJ, you might ask (just pretend you did)? Why, his name is Luke the Kook. A man in his early thirties who loves to wake up to apple cider flavored coffee.
  Just now the motivating chiptune and saxophone melody he had played was fading out and interrupted by a bumper sound effect that ended with a voice over announcing, "you're listening to Luke the Kook...on W-A-S-D F-M, Virtuaville."
  "Goooooooooood mornin', Virtuaville!" Luke enthusiastically shouted into his microphone that poked outward at him from the arm that connected to his desk.
  Luke began to sing out of the blue, "it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. A neighborly day in the beauti-hood. Won't you play my....won't you play my.... Won't....you play....my chiptunes."
  Luke switched back to his normal voice for the remainder of his announcements, "that last song you heard was by Anamanaguchi-guchi-guchi-goo featuring guest saxophonist, no...not that guy from Lost Boys. Good guess, anyway. Who else but Saxsquatch! I believe in Saxsquatch. It's a brisk fifty-nine degrees outside the Radio Tower of Power. We're still looking for a new weather reporter and a traffic reporter. Bonus if you can do both. We like wearing multiple hats around here to save money. Speaking of money, for budget reasons we won't be able to do giveaways for a while. Instead, we're going to be doing a fundraiser event. For us! Save the station! We'll be inviting you to come on down for our semi-annual car wash event. We will have our car washing babes with their t-shirts already wet and ready to clean two Saturdays from now at Buns and Huns in Uptown Virtuaville. We even managed to secure a special guest, who will be interviewed by yours truly, the very popular and legendary...Tifa Lockheart, who will be talking about her frustrations over being censored in her latest video game release. I'll get into more details in the next break, so stay tuned! After this block of music we'll be playing our favorite little game....Bum or Bobcat! Where you, the listener, call in to guess if you're hearing the drunken rambling of a bum...or Bobcat Goldthwait. But first...."
  The next soft rock song already faded in at low volume.
  Luke spoke in a higher pitched and nasally voice, "it's a little tune you all keep pestering me for."
  Luke resorted to his normal voice, "do you smehhhhhhhhhhhhhll what the SHOCK is COOKIN'? It's THE SHOCK with everyone's favorite power ballad, Against The Flow, on W-A-S-D....F-M."
  With impeccable timing, the lyrics had just begun right when Luke hit the microphone button off. It's custom for DJs to turn off their microphone during the music, which is common knowledge, but Luke would especially hate it if the squeaking of his leather chair could be heard while he danced in his seat to the music, and mouthed the words into his mic with his popping lips.
  Luke ceased his enthusiastic dancing to take a sip from his apple cider flavored coffee out of his Mega Man mug, and noticed an email notification on his left computer monitor. Luke clicked on the notification and groaned at the sight of a meeting reminder. Once Luke's show was over, he had to report straight to the conference room for a meeting with the executives and financiers. It was never the type of meeting that Luke looked forward to as it was always about the future of the station through advertising, sponsorships, formats, bringing in guests that Luke didn't like or worse of all...rebranding. Given the current financial state of the station, a conversation about rebranding was imminent.
  So let's flash-forward to the meeting where Luke sat at the large table in the conference room (not to be confused with any either other table in conference room....because there wasn't any other). Luke was surrounded by the station's advertising directors, executives, financiers and even worse...the Federal Communications Commission (FCC), who are just as bad in a world filled with video game characters as they are in real life.
   Not reading the room, Luke immediately spouted out, "look, are we ever gonna get the BIG table in here, or am I gonna have to go out and cut down that flipping tree myself?"
  If a pin dropped, Luke could hear it over the deafening silence. If a snowflake dropped, Luke would definitely be able to hear it over the deafening silence. The suits maintained their straight faces as they stared holes into Luke's skull.
  "Not everyone at once. It's an open question," Luke added to break the uncomfortable silence. "Okay, if anyone is trying to speak to me through telepathy, please speak up. I can't hear a single peep."
  Luke chuckled nervously as he glanced around at the suits surrounding him at the conference table.
  Suit number 1 spoke up, "Mr. Kook. I apologize for changing the subject, but there's no polite way to put this. Ratings for the station overall as a whole have dropped significantly."
  Suit number 2 chimed in, "it's not just for one show. It's for all of them. Of course, it's not just the content of the station that's keeping us from staying a float. It's the varieties of competition out there. We have never been the must-hear form of media and it's time to change that."
  Suit number 1 interrupted, "which is why we're proposing to take the show in a completely new direction through rebranding. We need to attract a wider demographic."
  Suit number 3 spoke up, "gearing our content to mostly adult listeners will no longer suffice. As proven by WZXC, appealing to children has the potential to bring great success."
  The room was silent as if waiting for Luke's response. Luke glanced around again and assumed it was safe to speak, "well, your timing couldn't be worse. We uh...have a hefty payday coming up in a couple of weeks, boys."
  The one woman in the room loudly cleared her throat.
  "And girl," Luke added. "Our fund raising event? You might have heard of it. Our car wash at Buns and Huns."
  "We've decided to move the location to Poppy's Piece-A Pizza," suit number 1 replied.
  "What?" Luke was astonished. "Guys, ladies with..."
  Luke felt the burning stare of the one woman in the room.
  Luke carefully continued, "BIG....recognition....value....willing to wash cars. We profit massively from this every semi-year. We also have a huge star ready for an interview."
  "Who just this morning had to cancel for a tour to promote the upcoming Dissidia game," said the one woman in the room.
  "What? I didn't get that message," Luke threw his hands up in frustration. "Is there any way we can get Lara Croft..."
  "No," replied the one woman in the room.
  "Or Cammy..."
  "No."
  "Tracer?"
  "No."
  "Samus Aran?" Luke was quieter with his last suggestion.
  "Ha. Don't even dream of getting a Nintendo character. We wouldn't even profit after paying for their international travel," the one woman in the room replied.
  "Uh...Mr Kook," said suit number 1. "We did the math, and unless we hit a high stretch goal, our next fundraiser would be in half a year this time. After the fees, paying the water bill, paying the ladies who raised their charges since last time and if Miss Lockhart did manage to make it, then we would barely break even if we compared the last few years worth of car wash events."
  "Aw, man," Luke sighed heavily in disappointment. "Wait, did you guys say a new Dissidia game was coming out?"
  "We knew we'd receive push-back," suit number 1 interrupted to stay on track. "So we already went through with a contract with Mr Fun Time...also known as Jay PlayIt."
  "We're already projecting a huge boost of listeners over this merge," suit number 2 eagerly added. "We could triple our listener growth and bring our ad revenue higher than we've ever had before. Mr Fun Time is the most popular children show around right now. He manages to appeal to both kids and adults."
  "Like that old ESRB rating from the nineties," suit number 3 added.
  "Exactly," suit number 2 replied with a big grin.
  "Look, he's already been featured on radio stations in other cities that have seen massive success because of him," explained suit number 1. "And in a world where radio is struggling against the convenience of streaming, diversifying is everything."
  "We are also looking to hire two new DJs," the one woman in the room interrupted. "Meaning we will have to fire a couple of our current DJs. Forrest Nash being one of them."
  "No, he's the best afternoon drive guy we can get right now," Luke shot up to lean over the table with his mouth agape in frustration and disappointment. "He garnered even more popularity with listeners after starring in Killer Frequency. We can't let him go."
  "Is there anyone else you'd like to suggest?" Inquired the one woman in the room.
  "Forrest Nash would be the best candidate to release for exactly the same reason you don't want to let him go," explained suit number 1. "We won't have any issues finding work elsewhere. Is there another DJ would like to risk that with?"
  "I guess not," Luke said with a rough sigh as he leaned back into his chair. "Who is the second DJ you're considering?"
  "Malcolm Jr, your anarchist metal head," suit number 1 immediately replied.
  "I should've figured you'd want to let go of the Court Jester of Metal," said Luke.
  "Not want to...we are," replied suit number 2.
  "We recognize the popularity of the show, but there's not enough metal listeners out there to keep the station afloat," suit number 1 argued. "By the way, we figured you'd want to meet the man we're doing business with, Mr Fun Time, himself."
  "He's here?" Luke exclaimed. "Shouldn't there have been a memo about this?"
  The conference room door burst open as Jay Playit, a lightly bearded man wearing a maroon cardigan and collared shirt over his slightly rotund body entered. Jay was as jolly as any other famous burly man that was known for wearing red. What was left of his light brown hair was slicked back as the sides of his head were balding. Jay spoke in a gentle voice with a rough and heavy pitch.
  "Ya-WOW-Za!" Jay exclaimed upon his entrance. "You didn't see me coming? You must be Luke the Kook. Hi, Luke the Kook. I'm Jay Playit. Nice to meet'cha!"
  Luke stood up, extended his hand to shake Jay's hand over the conference table, both men having to significantly lean forward to reach each other. Jay shook Luke's hand with firm confidence before letting go, and resting both hands on the chest of his cardigan as if about to straighten it out.
  "I know what you're thinking," Jay said with heightened enthusiasm. "This guy's gonna come in and take over my whole program. Don't worry, I'm not gonna do that."
  Jay broke into playful laughter before continuing, "I know what we're asking of you is a lot. Firing two of my DJs? What a bummer! But don't you worry! Forrest Nash and Malcolm Jr will be receiving unemployment and job seeking assistance. We also really like that Bill the Chill guy and think he's on the wrong time slot. It's way too late at night for any one to really tune in. We were thinking he could take over the weekday early evening show."
  "We'd have to check with his schedule first," Luke replied with one raised eyebrow. "So what do I do about the afternoon drive? People expect quality music and personality during rush hour."
  "I already got you covered," Jay exclaimed with a chuckle. "According to this contract, you'll be signing on two new DJs, both from my show. You see, Casa Del Fun has residents to spare. You'll be meeting Neon Zero and Skipper the Synthwave Schipperke."
  "Great," Luke replied, not thrilled about having to replace his crew with DJs he hadn't yet met. "So when do I meet them? Also, wait...what contra--"
  "Not only that, but there will be requirements to play audio clips of educational segments of Mr Fun Time's Fun Wise Words," Jay immediately interrupted. "Because...ya know! It's for kids! And kids are our future. So we want to make sure we arm them with the knowledge they'll need for tomorrow....today! Now, a quick briefing on the change of scheduling. Neon Zero will serve as your co-host for the morning drive as well as take over open weekend segments. Skipper will take over the afternoon drive with Synthwave music. Trust me when I say this, driving to Synthwave while the sun is going down sets a heckuva mood! People are gonna love it."
  "Synthwave...yeah, I got Synthwave in my library already," Luke pensively replied. "Come to think of it, I don't think we play enough of it."
  "Of course, you don't," Jay chuckled. "Gunship, Timecop1983, Le Matos and Cobra Copter? All on your library, but you hardly ever tap into their music. And Skipper is going to add to your library with his own suggestions."
  "What about request hours?" Luke asked.
  "You can keep them," Jay exclaimed with open arms. "Now give that contract a sign!"
  Suit number 1 rolled a scroll across the conference table that contained print seemingly decreasing in size before reaching the lines requiring a signature and date.
  "Okay, does this impact the music I have to play? What else is being regulated?" Luke nervously asked as suit number 1 rolled a pen in his direction.
  "Good questions," Jay said. "You'll be required to keep all profanity and suggestive language exempt from your shows. No more explicit content. Any songs with an expletive must have that expletive bleeped out for our demographic. Neon Zero will be working on that. Changes take effect this coming business Monday. Your Tough Talk segment with Duke Nukem..."
  Luke's hopeful eyes widened, but was immediately let down when Jay finished his sentence, "is hitting the road, Jack! Ha ha! Instead it'll be replaced by a segment titled 'Encouraging Words' with Neon Zero. Because, ya know! For kids! I already have my educational segments pre-recorded and ready for listener ears. Your show is going to see massive growth. Now go ahead and sign, you lucky dog."
  Luke clasped the pen in his hand as he read the contract. His eyes did not deceive him, the print was decreasing in size. Luke held the contract as close to his face as possible, but couldn't make out the text any further. Luke dropped the contract onto the contract table and exclaimed, "I can't sign what I can't agree to."
  "Mr Kook," suit number 1 spoke up. "Did we mention the station will be nation-wide?"
  "It already is available nation-wide," Luke replied.
  "No, no, no. You don't understand," suit number 1 shook his head. "The station will be pushed up the algorithm on streaming apps. All the matching keywords are there."
  "Actually, it's going to be pushed globally," suit number 2 corrected. "Listener reach will be pushed in the hundred millions. Advertiser revenue and sponsorships will be even higher. Our best sponsor right now, Hootin Tootin Guten Gluten, is just a local sponsor. That's a few bucks short of tens of thousands. Imagine having a sponsor...or two in Costa Del Sol."
  "People love waking up to Synthwave in Costa Del Sol and their timeline matches our rush hour," suit number 1 added.
  "Thousands of surfers listening in and recommending your station, and you'll have a talking dog," suit number 3 interjected.
  "Look what a talking dog did for VA-11 Hall-A," the one woman in the room said. "It was a closing bar that got saved."
  "What's VA-11 Hall-A?" Luke asked.
  "A bar in Glitch City, and an indie game. I believe you at least had some of that soundtrack on your library," suit number 2 answered.
  "So people love talking dogs?"
  "Trust me," Jay finally chimed in. "People...and kids....love talking dogs. What other radio station in Virtuaville has one of those."
  Luke stared at the illegible print and paused for half a minute before finally putting pen to paper to sign his name and date. Relief reflected in Jay PlayIt's eyes as the other suits smiled for the first time during the meeting.
  "You...won't be disappointed, Mr Kook," suit number 1 said as he rolled the contract scroll back up. "Also, this contract is made from the same material as an Elder Scroll. Therefore, it is unbreakable."
  "Pleasure doing business with you," Jay exclaimed with the same enthusiasm as the suits stood from their seats to file out the conference room. "Well, we all got work to do. Congratulations, Mr Kook. You just made W-A-S-D F-M history."
  Jay PlayIt filed out of the room with the rest of the suits while Luke stood in place with an astonished look on his face.
  "How did you know he wasn't going to go for the filibuster tactic over that fine print?" suit number 1 whispered to Jay.
  "Hey, it worked for Willy Wonka," Jay whispered back with an innocent shrug.
  "Hundreds...of millions...of listeners...and loads of ad revenue," Luke muttered to himself in the empty conference room. "Boosted algorithm. I might just able to pay Forrest and Malcolm's unemployment myself. Oh, right...how am I going to tell them?"
  Luke continued to think out loud as he pensively walked out of the conference room. "Come to think of it, Malcolm's shift is midday between my morning show and Forrest's late afternoon drive. Who would be taking over for him if this Neon Zero guy is my..."
  "Who said my name?" Spoke the charismatic voice of a jester. "Plotting something again, Kook?"
  Luke glanced up as he snapped out of his deep thought and giving the purple and yellow clad jester before him attention. This jester didn't wear the same medieval attire as his ancestor from Kyrandia, but rather a purple and yellow business suit complete with the typical jester hat with the bells at the tips. The shoulder pads puffed out which added to his already slightly inhuman appearance thanks to his hunched posture that he inherited through his family line. Malcolm was always a crass individual who often spoke his mind with little filter and was normally off-putting to others, but he was still admired by Luke with his devil-may-care attitude and taste in metal music that didn't indulge in profanity.
  Luke forced a smile, but his emotionally drained eyes gave away his wounds. "I'm guessing you left another 8 minute track to stretch out a little?" Luke asked.
  "Good old Mick Gordon," Malcolm replied. "So why the long face?"
  "Yeah...about that," Luke introduced the topic as he nervously reached behind his head with his right hand. "We're gonna have to put the show on auto-pilot when Forrest gets here to have a short meeting."

  The clocked raced toward five in the afternoon as Luke sat in the conference room once again, but this time with his two employees, Malcolm Jr and Forrest Nash while the station was momentarily left without a disc jockey to announce the music. Luke's head was sunken low as Malcolm fiddled with his gold coin and Forrest kept his arms crossed in front of his chest. Luke waited for his two subordinates to say something to at least break the silence if not lighten the mood.
  "This because I pranked Bill live on air with the ejecting chair?" Forrest asked.
  "Despite that causing us a few hundred dollars in property damage, no," Luke replied. "That audio clip was incorporated into our promo bumpers, so our listener boost actually gave us a bit of profit for that prank. Even though we apparently lost those numbers over the past year and a half."
  "That was already over a year ago?" Malcolm Jr asked. "Hard to keep track. I prank Bill at least twice a week."
  "He's so easy to prank," Forrest chuckled. "The guy never seeks revenge either, and his reactions are so hilarious for such a mellow guy."
  Malcolm burst out in his usual obnoxious cackle, which caused Luke to give in with some belting laughter.
  "You see why this is so hard for me?" Luke said in between laughs. "We make such a great team. I'm gonna miss you guys. I'm gonna miss....this. Us just cracking one liners passing each other by in the hallway. Doing crossovers and messing with each other live on the air. I'm gonna miss our shock jock humor and hitting on waitresses from Buns n Huns when we have them at the station or do our live remotes over there. I'm gonna miss our brainstorming sessions and Saturday nights at Coffee Talk. We should at least still do the latter."
  "I hear ya, Boss," Forrest nodded his head.
  "I don't think I'm going to enjoy the company of anyone else as much as I do you two shmucks," Malcolm fired back with his devilish grin.
  "I'm going to help you guys find something else, use me as a reference, I'll make sure you don't stay unemployed for--"
  Forrest nervously interrupted Luke, "well, actually...I am glad we're having this meeting because I have been getting a lot of feedback on my recently uploaded demo reel. I've got like seven offers already."
  Luke's jaw dropped as he stared at Forrest in bewilderment.
  "I've also been picking up more gigs and might just make my side-hustle my full-time employment," Malcolm added. "Honestly, I was considering putting in my two week notice within the next couple of weeks, but this might allow me to take a bit of a break before my acts take me across the country."
  "You were both planning on leaving me anyway?" Luke said with his voice raised and in a sense of betrayal. "You get to travel the country? Do you have any idea how badly I've been wanting to do that since I've been stuck here? Alright, well...I'm glad you guys already have things lined up. I was honestly worried about you...that and I actually saw you guys as my best friends, but I didn't know you were planning on leaving the station anyway."
  "I probably shouldn't have mentioned it," Forrest said with a cringe.
  "No, no," Luke replied trying to hide his resentment. "It's fine. Totally fine. So what are these offers you're entertaining, Forrest?"
  "We don't have to talk about this now--"
  "Might as well just tell me," Luke insisted.
  "Okay, well...I was looking at some voice over work for Crossover Fights since the main host is leaving," Forrest nervously shared. "Another option was Chicken Fang who are looking for some star power for their podcast. Then uh...WSAD...as their main morning host, which I will have to ask you to stay quiet about because they're quietly firing their current host."
  "You're entertaining the idea of leaving us for our direct competitor?" Luke gawked. "You're really considering leaving us for them?"
  "They get more listens than we do in the morning," Forrest said, twisting the figurative knife deeper into Luke's back.
  "Aren't we past the Ides of March?" Luke said as he threw up his hands in defeat. "They're a top 40 station. We're the only ones that do....what we do."
  "You know, I really should've stayed quiet about that one," Forrest replied with regret as his gaze remained fixed at a diagonal downward angle.
  "Boss," Malcolm Jr referred to Luke by that word for the first time. "You're going to be okay. All things considered, this has a fool-proof....no pun intended....success rate. Your new family friendly format might end up stealing listeners from Forrest's new morning show."
  "I haven't even decided on an offer yet," Forrest defensively added.
  "Yet?"
  "Come on! I was gonna get fired anyway," Forrest defended. "It's not like I have much choice now."
  "You're right, you're only down to seven now," Luke replied followed by a deep sigh of frustration. "I don't know what I was expecting. I forget how talented you guys really are because I don't care about all that. I just genuinely appreciate your company. I didn't see you guys as my coworkers. I already just said it a minute ago. I see you guys as my friends."
  "Are we still best friends?" Forrest meekly asked.
  "It hurts that you were gonna leave me anyway, but yeah," Luke said with a nod. "Just keep in mind this. You're so much better than WSAD. Those jerks stole our letters and just rearranged them. I won't be able to forgive them for that anytime soon."

  Within a matter of three weeks, Forrest Nash was already at the desk of his brand new job with headphones on and microphone in front of his face. "We're gonna take a short break to plug our sponsors," Forrest said into the microphone. "Stick around to hear some Dua Lipa and Harry Styles when we get back, but keep the dial right here on WSAD."
  "That traitor," Luke grumbled as he listened in on his phone during his music break in the middle of his own show.