I'm sorry in advance........
Trigger warnings for suicidal ideation
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The dining hall was mostly empty by then, everyone else having already completed their breakfast. Shubman picked up a light breakfast for himself and went to sit in a secluded corner by himself.
While he nibbled on his toast, Kuldeep came and sat beside him with his own plate.
"Morning, Shubhi!"
"Morning, Kuldeep bhai" He replied softly, avoiding eye contact. He had no idea how he'd be able to answer if he got asked...
"How're you feeling today, yaar? You said you weren't feeling well last night, then didn't come down to dinner at all.. is everything alright?" Kuldeep asked, dipping his idli graciously into the sambhar before taking a bite.
"... I'm alright now, bhai, don't worry" Shubman answered, avoiding looking at Kuldeep's concerned eyes.
"Really? Because you don't look fully alright" Kuldeep pressed on, seeing his grimace.
"I am feeling a little strange...but it's nothing that serious, bhaiya, I'm alright"
"Last time you said this, you got a fever of 104 after that" Kuldeep deadpanned.
"No, bhai, it's not like that this time"
"Then what is it? Tell me"
"Last night i had this absolutely terrible nightmare..since then I've been feeling kinda weird" Shubman finally confessed.
"What had happened in that? Instead of stifling it within yourself, you'd feel lighter if you shared it" Kuldeep asked softly.
"I cannot say, bhai, if I say it then... then it can come true, and if it comes true then... then I..." Shubman's voice cracked as the tears threatened to spill out. Kuldeep wrapped a protective arm around him, dragging him into a side hug as the younger one shook with tears.
"This bad?" Kuldeep asked worriedly. Shubman nodded, still shaking with tears as the dream kept flashing in front of his eyes .
They stayed like that for a while before Shubman's phone ringing brought them out of their trance. Shubman winced when he saw it was Ishan. Yash did tell him to give him a call after all... but how could he even begin to explain what happened last night when he didn't understand it himself?
He gave Kuldeep a customary goodbye side hug and picked up the call, knowing he couldn't avoid it for much longer.
"Shubi, how're you?" Ishan asked so seriously that Shubman had to bite back the joking retort that was on the tip of his tongue.
"I'm absolutely fine, Ishu.. don't worry" Over the phone he could hear Ishan scoffing.
"Okay, mister, you're absolutely fine, that's why you freaked out over what was just a dream.."
"Yaar... you are not getting it, but that dream was so very terrible that I can't express it in words..."
"Were you watching crime documentaries at night again?"
"No, yaar..."
"Then?"
"...was thinking about the match...."
"This is not the entire thing, tell me the complete truth"
"..."
"Take your time with it, but do tell me"
"...just thinking that... why am I in the team...?"
"Meaning? Have you gone completely crazy?"
"...I mean some deserving player could be there in my place.. you yourself could've been there..."
"Don't say nonsense, Shubi, firstly that's not in our hands, and secondly you totally deserve being in there, don't ever doubt that.."
"...If I deserve then why are my performances repeatedly being so terrible... I can only do one thing somewhat decently and that is batting.. neither can I bowl well, nor can I do wicketkeeping.. and nor do I have any good skills other than cricket... and if I can't even do this one thing properly, then...." Shubman trailed off.
"..then what, Shubi?" Ishan pressed, even though he had a horrible gut feeling he knew where the conversation was heading.
"...then why am I even alive" Shubman whispered, his voice breaking towards the end. There. He said it. But why was the pressure inside his chest increasing with every moment of silence? He closed his eyes tightly, letting the tears fall freely.
Ishan took a deep breath to calm himself before answering.
"....you think you're only alive to score runs?"
Shubman's shaky breathing on the other end spoke volumes.
"Could you do something for me?" Ishan asked softly, careful to not let the tremble in his voice out.
"...Yeah, tell me"
"You keep a record of your runs. Then for each run, stay alive for one more day. Like in this test you made 23 runs, so you will not attempt anything stupid for 23 days from today, alright?"
"...but by then the second test will start.."
"Yes, and the runs you score in that, add the number of days to the number of days that will remain"
"...this way it'll never get over"
"never said it's gonna be easy"
Shubman could feel Ishan smiling sadly as he said the last sentence, and that made him even more frustrated. Why was his friend being like this? Couldn't he understand what a burden he was to the world?
"Listen Subhi. Everyone has some time like this in their lives. Take our Sachin paaji and our Virat bhai for instance. They are such big legends, but still they had times in their careers where they were unable to perform that well... but they didn't give up then, did they?"
"...because they were strong.. Not like me..."
"You are also strong, Shubi. You don't know how strong you are. If you hadn't been strong then you would not be able to reach this position today."
Before Shubman could come up with another self deprecating remark, Ishan continued.
"Anyways, don't think too much and torture your brain like that. Take complete rest today, don't even think about the match, and then from tomorrow start practicing for the next test like your life depends on it. And don't entertain any stupid thoughts. We will meet in the IPL, okay? Till then you have to stay by any means", Ishan tried to joke.
The line was suspiciously silent on the other end, so Ishan prodded again.
"Alright, Shubi?"
"....Haan thik hai" (.....Yeah, alright)
"Alright then. Take care of yourself, and practice well, rest is not in our hands. And if you get such ridiculous thoughts then ignore them, they are not true. Your entire family, my entire family. Entire team, everyone is there for you, alright? Okay bye, call me at night."
"..bye,Ishu. You take care of yourself as well"
"Yeah yeah, I will. Now bye."
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Everyone alright? Need anything? Tissues? Hot chocolate? A hug? An apology?
I'm really sorry for this one. This was written back when the phase was still going, so forgive me for having him be a bit extra negative over here. I'm so glad he bounced back from there <3
Enjoy, and let me know what you thought of it ;)
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