I Can Kiss You If You Want (Luberto Fanfiction)

Coming to Terms

Luca's POV

It was a cool August night. The window was open, a humid, but still chilly breeze swept through Massimo's living room. The weather was definitely getting colder as summer was coming to an end in less than a month. That meant back to school for Giulia and I. Thinking about it was bitter sweet for me. I was going to miss Portorosso, it was my home after all. Everything here was so familiar. Not to mention, this summer was different, a good different.  But, my brain craved knowledge constantly, which is why I was excited about going back to school and continue my education.

The TV glared black and white light before Alberto and I as we sat on the hard wood floor, our backs leaning up against the bottom of the couch. Giulia was sprawled out amoungst the couch cushions above us, forcing us to sit on the ground. However, I didn't mind because that just meant I could be closer to Alberto. To be completely honest, I was barely paying attention to the movie. I was more interested in Alberto's reactions to the film and the way his elbow kept softly grazing my thigh, every time he moved or shifted as we sat on the floor. Guilia was snoring so loudly, right in my ear. Typical. I thought.

I looked around the small, cozy living room I was in. My nose catching the vague scent of  chocolate biscotti that Massimo left on the counter for us before he went to bed. He knew it was Alberto's favorite. I'm surprised he's not hungry yet, actually. We ate dinner about an hour ago and for Alberto, that was a long time for him to go without food. A subconscious grin appeared on my face as I thought about Alberto's eating habits. I looked over at him to make sure he didn't see me smile. Not that he would know why I was smiling anyways. I didn't even really understand why I was smiling or why I cared if he saw me or not.

This summer with Alberto had been different. From the very moment I got off the train, the connection between us was the same, but different. It was more mature. I was more aware of certain things this summer versus last summer. I felt older and like I understood myself and my thoughts more deeply. For example, the butterflies that were constantly in my stomach when Alberto was around. The way I could feel my face quickly get hot when he accidentally made contact with me in some way. The way I would count down the seconds or constantly look forward to when he would hug me again. I craved his presence, there was never a moment where I wanted to be away from him. He was my first choice for everything. If I wanted to go on a swim, he would be the first one I would ask. If I wanted to get some gelato, yup, you guessed it. Alberto was the one I would go with.

Suddenly, Giulua sprung up from the couch behind us. We turned our heads, to see her face.

" Fratello- what did I miss?" she groggily croaked at Alberto and I.

Alberto ruffled her shiny, messy red curls and chuckled.

"Not much Giuls, why don't you head to bed, it's already 12:30." Alberto replied with a fond smile on his face. I've always thought it was so sweet how much Alberto cared about Giulia. I mean, they pretty much were siblings now  that Alberto lives with Massimo during the school year.

Giulia slowly nodded her head, eyes barley open.

"Hmm, va bene ragazzi." She yawned, disappearing down the hall into her bedroom.

I peered up at the clock, 12:35. My gaze came back to the black and white film glowing before us. Now it was just Alberto and I. My stomach twisted at the thought of being alone with him, this close.

Like I said before, something about Alberto is different this summer. It's not that we're closer or anything, we've always told each other everything. But, I feel different about him than my other friends, but I don't care about him like a best friend either. I guess what I've been realizing a lot this year and what I'm trying to say is that I care about Alberto in more than just a platonic way. I think...no. No. I know. I know that I care for Alberto in a romantic way. This is something I've been coming to terms with recently.

I remember back in,  probably January that I realized my feelings for Alberto. I missed him all the time. I talked about him all the time. He was always in my head. I thought about his eyes, his smile, his tenderness and gentleness constantly. I always looked forward to his letters. My face would go red and I would smile uncontrollably when I heard his voice through the phone. I soon realized as my classmates around me started having crushes, that the way I thought about Alberto was not platonic. It was romantic. The connection was deeper. It took me a while to accept these feelings and the way I was thinking about another boy. I mean, I've heard about being gay. I just never expected it to happen to me.

Being gay is not perceived well where I come from. I've been raised to know that gay people are sick, they are outcasts, not normal, whatever you wanna call it. When I realized how I felt about Alberto, I started to avoid his letters and calls. I thought that if I just shoved these feelings down that they would go away or I could fix myself! Maybe fall for a nice girl and be able to live a normal life. But as the months went on and I actually ended up seeing Alberto when I arrived home in person, I came to terms with the fact that these feelings would not go away. But I could never tell anyone my secret. Not Giulia, not my parents, not even the one person who knows everything about me, Alberto. I wasn't.. I'm not normal and I don't think I will ever be normal. And I'd rather just let these feelings eat me away than lose Alberto over something as stupid as this. Gosh I'm pathetic sometimes.

I feel tears in my eyes start to form as my mind races. I sense Alberto's gaze fall upon me. But I don't think he's noticed my tears.

Thank the fish gods.

I quickly wipe my tears with my wrist and return my focus to the movie.