Peachy

Part 25. Guilt

The Funeral

The day I have been dreading these past 2 weeks. A day where I'm going to have to smile and pretend my heart once was and still is full of love for this man who hurt me so deeply. It was the last place I wanted to be but how could I be the person to tell a family, that their son wasn't the person they knew? This was a family that had always been kind to me in the time I knew them and were grieving someone they loved so dearly. As far as they knew, we were happy and in love, so I needed to suck it up and give them this one day. I couldn't be the one to break their hearts and damage the memory they had of him.

All I wanted was him gone. To never have to cross paths with him again, and now I had my wish. I felt evil for feeling relaxed and relieved knowing he was gone but him being gone meant knowing that he couldn't hurt me anymore. I tried to remember when I loved him, tried to grieve whatever good times we may of had but I had no kindness in my heart left for him. Had I run out of tears? Had I become completely heartless?

Why did I feel sick to my stomach with guilt.

I arrive at the ceremony wearing a long sleeve black dress, black tights and small heeled boots. I didn't want to draw any attention to myself so tried to keep everything as basic as I could. Leah grips my hand tightly as we get out the car. She insisted on being by my side, although I managed to keep Taylor away. I knew she wouldn't be able to hide her feelings, her face says it all before her mouth does. I don't take any time to take in my surroundings. Instead I try my best to keep my head down to save being noticed by anyone but as soon as I step out the car I hear Valerie calling me over.

"Hallie!" She rushes over to me and wraps her arms around me. She holds me for a moment and takes a big sigh of relief.

"I'm so glad you're here sweetheart, I feel like I have a piece of him with me now at least. You'll sit with us at the front won't you? He would want that." She gives me a small sad smile and takes hold of my hand quickly before I have a chance to utter a single word. I look back at Leah panicked as I lose my grasp on her. Valerie leads me away from her into the venue.

We take a seat at the front and time feels like it stands still as the room fills with grieving people. Before I know it the officiant begins to welcome everyone to the service. I turn my head and take a look at the packed room. I didn't even know he knew this many people. I scan the room, not recognising many. I see people holding hands, tears in their eyes, heads down and gripping to tissues. So many people are grieving and loved him. I felt so confused. For people to be missing him so much, they must have seen so much good in him, had positive relationships, cared for him. Was it only me he ever hurt? Did only I know this other side to him? If all these people love him he must have only shown them kindness. What was it about me that didn't get that same side?

Hearing my name snaps me quickly from my thoughts, I'd been so wrapped up I'd not heard a single word of Valerie's eulogy.

"Hallie darling, would you like to say a few words?" Suddenly all eyes are on me.

You have to be fucking kidding me.

Somehow my feet manage to make it to the stand. My eyes quickly find Leah's, she's standing at the back her eyes wide with panic. I see tears fall down her cheeks and I know they aren't tears for him.

I stand at the podium and stare out blankly.

"I.."

An uncomfortable warm rush passes through my body and my legs start to feel weak beneath me.

"Liam was ..." I try to take a breath but my eyes begin to flicker. I struggle to inhale deep enough to get any words out. I feel winded as sharp pains shoot underneath my ribs. I swallow as my mouth starts to water and my stomach turns.

"I'm sorry"  I murmur to Valerie" before quickly running out the door and crouching over the nearest bush.

Leah is quick to my side, hand on my back reassuring me as I wretch, bringing up the small amount I'd eaten that morning.

"This is too much Hallie, let's get you out of here. Please.. you don't need to do this. I can't watch you put yourself through this." She sobs.

I'd pushed myself too far. I thought I needed to do this but I couldn't be here another second. Leah was right. I stood to my feet and nodded to her to give her the ok to leave.

As we walk alway I look back at what I'm finally hoping to be able to leave behind, yet instead I see a small brunette girl standing in the doorway. I don't recognise her, but she's staring on from where we just left in the distance. We lock eyes for a moment and then she swiftly turns and walks away.

"That's odd do you know her?" Leah asks.

"Never seen her before in my life." I say without giving it another thought. I squeeze Leah's hand and rest my head on her shoulder as we make our escape.