Sorry Not Sorry?

4 3 0

by just1heart4u

by just1heart4u

TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE

Sorry not Sorry?

Those were the exact words I wrote on the piece of paper so called "my suicide note". I sit there, empty minded, wondering if they even deserved this goodbye note or not. It wouldn't really matter anyways, would it? Yes! But no. "Why should I even bother thinking about this?" I say out loud like I'm talking to someone in front of me, it's just me in this living room. Everyone is out, my parents are working while everyone else is at school, not me though. I stayed home, to do, you know, and I'm glad no one is here to stop me. I stop and continue on my note, I start writing again, while I look over at the fresh new razor blade I'm about to use.

'Dear family and "friend". You may wonder why I left this note on the kitchen table, go look in the bathroom, in the bathtub, I'll be laying there, lifeless. Don't worry too much. It doesn't really matter in the end does it? It wasn't really your fault anyways. I don't think y'all really meant all those hurtful, ignorant words, did y'all? Let's hope not, cause now, I'm gone. Forever. Please pass this note to mom, if she doesn't have it first obviously, thank you!'

'Hello Mother, I'm glad you have the time to read this, cause you never had time for me. Now you don't have to worry about me anymore, you can finally put all your effort and attention to your work. I'll finally be gone to stop bothering you. I hope you get your dream job, now that I'm finally not here. I've always been supportive of you mom, but I couldn't get the same treatment. I was upset that you couldn't support me and my sexuality. I didn't see a problem with it, but you did. Again, you don't have to worry anymore, I won't "spread that awful disease" to you or dad or anyone. Oh, speaking of dad, please pass him this note, I love you mom.'

'Hello Dad, or at least that is what I called you 5 years ago, after you hit me so hard that you left me numb and bruised up on the floor. I knew that was going to happen but I didn't expect it to be that bad, I mean you left me with a black eye and a fractured shoulder. I never forgot that night. I was coughing up blood, for crying at loud. But did you mean to hurt me? I never talked about my sexuality to y'all until I decided to come out. God, I have to say, that was the biggest mistake of my life. If I had one right now, get it? Since I'm dead and all that? I guess this is not the time for jokes, anyways just laugh, all your problems are gone and fixed, since I'm gone. I really hope that you're happy, I made a big decision today, and I think y'all can guess what it is. Enough jokes, I love you Dad.'

'I saved the best for last, so please pass this note to Chase, he will be at school.'

'Hello Chasey, or at least that is the nickname I gave you before you hurt me. After that I swore on my life, I took an oath that I wouldn't speak of your name again, but here I am, talking to you like we are a thing again like before. Even though you left me heartbroken that day, I forgive you. It really sucks that things couldn't work out, but I will always love you. But that memory never left and stuck with me every single day after that day. I remember it all too well, every word, every sentence, the tears running down my face like I was just a little kid, you could've broken up with me in a simple, no yelling, nice way but no, I guess they got to your head. Now, there is consequences for your actions, I gave you everything you wanted, did everything you wanted, I actually thought you loved me back, did you? You were the one person that helped me and comforted me when I needed it most. I remember you wrapping your hands around me, bringing me closer and kissing my forehead and holding me tight. I don't regret anything I did with you, but what I truly regret is falling for you. If I kept my secret feelings in and looked away when you looked at me, this wouldn't have happened. Maybe if I kept it to myself, you wouldn't hate me, maybe we would have been just friends, maybe I would still be alive. While it hurts to say goodbye to someone I truly love, I think it's the best decision for the both of us, you can go back to your normal life and forget about me, I lost. I understand it all now, love is a game for fools to play, a game I lost, a lost love. I lose. I can only hope that you're happy. Happy with someone else, someone that deserves you. But the heart sinking pain never stopped? Do I still love you? I do. I'll do it all over again, the running, the hugging, the kissing, just for you. I'm the fool. I can't do it all over again, I'm sorry Chase. I'm still the fool though. I can't believe I thought this would work out between us, shame on me. I'm sorry, please don't be mad at me. I guess true love is better when you keep it to yourself and we did, but what went wrong? All of the silent lunches we had, when they all thought we were just friends, you made it seem like I was nothing but just a friend. But I love you, I will always love you, long live this love, I will love you until the end, since this is the end. Goodbye Chase.'

'~Sincerely Elliot, your son, and lost lover.'

I wipe away the tears I was slowly shedding, I didn't think I had all that in me, I'm glad it's all out now.

'One last thing, I'm going to miss you all.'

I write on the paper with little wet spots where my tears have landed, I put the pen down on the table. I put the note right in the middle of the table, making sure that my parents will see it.

I slowly get up and grab the new razor blade I bought from the store earlier. Actually I didn't buy it, I stole it. What are they gonna do? Arrest my dead body?

I walk to the bathroom while laughing my ass off, I shut the door but not locking it, I need them to see this and make sure they feel guilty.

I turn the handles and the water starts running, warm is better than cold. I sit there, patiently waiting for it to fill all the way up, if I'm going to die, I want to die with a comfortable lovely bubble bath.

After waiting for it to fill up, I get in. I obviously don't want them to see my naked body, so the only thing I have on his some tight shorts, Chase loved these shorts, I wonder why, but there's no time to think about him, he's in the past, and so am I.

I grab the razor blade and run it across my wrist like scissors cutting paper. I look up at the ceiling and do it again.

*SLICE*

This one was bigger, and deeper. Blood gushes out like a waterfall, dripping into the bathtub and the water starts turning red, like a maroon color.

*SLICE*

One after the other. Right on top of each other.

I pull my arm away from my bloody, cut up wrist. I drop the razor blade on the bathroom floor. I look at my wrist with my weak eyes, seeing all the blood coming out and going down my arm.

Blood on the side of the tub, on my fingers, the bathtub water, and the bathroom floor, what a mess.

I turn my head to the left, and sink a little. One thought comes into my head at the last second.

"I love you Chase."