The Truth

Part three

Every DT lesson I would always flick the sawdust at you, you would get so annoyed. I always moaned about how much I hated DT because the teacher never gave me help with my Arthritis.

I can never avoid pain for at least one minute, I was always in pain. The pain never stops for me. I'm always cold. You would always probably get annoyed because I moaned too much. I knew I did but I didn't know what else to say. Everything in my life was negative and so were my words. I never wanted to be negative but that was the way I was raised. negative self then to negative mind then to negative words. It's all a big spiral.

I'm not a normal person, I'm not normal at all. I don't think I will ever be like everyone else.
Knowing my luck I will probably get taken to a mental asylum. My brain isn't like everyone else's, it's messed up. I can't learn properly. Nothing in my body was normal. I felt like an outcast and I still do. People say everybody is different but when you think about it, everyone has the same mind, but then there is mine so how come everyone I know has a normal mind but I don't?

The lessons that you sit in front of me I love. I love just watching you be yourself. You are always talking about your scars and all the negative things about your body, but to me, they aren't negative, they are just more things that make you beautiful. I love your perfect imperfections. Everything about you is perfect to me.

I was sitting on my bed, you were running through my head all night. I loved it when I thought about you nonstop. I always had a smile on my face when thinking of you. You were my everything.

When you were sad I never knew what to do. I was a very awkward person. I don't know how to deal with people's emotions. I do my usual and stand very awkwardly not knowing what to do. But then there are times that I feel bad for them. I stroke their arm and say
"There there"
always feel bad when you cry. I never like to see you cry, I never know if it's about me or if it was lessons. I wanted to help. But my antisocial personality stopped me. I always get other people to calm you down because I never know how to help.
I'm a rubbish person, I don't have the social skills that I should have. I never got the help that I needed in my primary school because of my mother, I was always signed up for thrive, lego therapy and ELSA. and because my mum was the pastoral lead she was in charge of it all, so she never did it with me, even though the SENCO signed me up for all of them. In some ways, l get why my mother never did it with me, because I never wanted to talk to her about my feelings.

My brother was the more special needs person between the two of us, but there are times when I sit there thinking maybe he's not. Nobody is paying attention to my life and what my feelings are.
I had more medical issues and more mental health issues than him but his autism is above the clouds. I always wanted to help and support him because I knew how hard our lives have been.