The Truth

Part eight

Sometimes I wish people would just fucking leave me alone.

November 30th, I remember laying on my bedroom floor with my feet on my grey stool listening to my breathing machine squeal. feeling the taste of that disgusting medication in my mouth that I had to take. I was listening to my usual depressed playlist whilst watching myself falling back into depression. I remember thinking to myself that this was how I was ging to live my life, I would live miserably for the rest of my life.
You always said that I couldn't lie to you and in some ways, it was because I would always have a grin on my face if I was lying about something when I always would take your phone out your of pocket I would always say no with a massive grin, there were many things I would grin about but one thing I did lie about but I never had a grin on my face was me being ok. You would always ask me if I was ok, secretly I wasn't but I would always say yes to make life easier for everyone. It feels like I'm walking through a world that has gone blind.

I was Walking through the upstairs corridor while running my finger along the radiator at my dad's, thoughts were running through my mind, and a tear rolled down my face as I thought back to my past life. Things got dark quickly. Very dark.

Realising I'm not normal was one of the world's most draining things, but it still is to be brutally honest. Sometimes I would think 'Can I try to drown myself in my tears?'
I always would think to myself when I'm far up in the clouds watching down at you I will always have a smile on my face. I knew that time was coming soon. It could've been in the next 20 years but I could feel it coming. We all know our times of death come but I always knew my death would be closer than anyone else's.
It was the 2nd of December, my friend had her operation to remove the brain tumours on the first of December. I knew it would take a while to be told if she was okay. I didn't realise how hard it would be. She was always making my phone go off and then it all went to complete silence. I was lying in bed feeling the cold get to my legs thinking if she would ever wake up.
I cried myself asleep that night.
I would just sit there looking out the window sometimes thinking about how different life would be if I never came to this school. I have always wanted to go there since I was about five.
I would've never met you. I would've never met all my amazing friends. I wouldn't have favourite teachers.
I joined that school on my own without anyone from my primary school, I wouldn't change it for the world.
There was a time in school. It was maths last period on a Friday, my lungs gave up. I almost died, because of my airways closing over, that's why I lost my ability to breathe. I was resuscitated. I remember when I woke up. the minute I was told what happened, one thing came into my head, it was you. I panicked thinking you saw what happened. I didn't want my weakness to show. I already had trouble thinking if you just saw me as a bundle of mess or a strong person I know I was a bundle of mess. You may think I wasn't but I damn well knew I was and I knew you did too. I started to drink cider and had the occasional smoke of pot when I was with a certain friend of mine. But that all stopped when I met you. I had the occasional one when things got tough but genuinely it all stopped. You made me a better person.