continuation of 'a beautiful lie' | T.K.

I can't do this

...
I first had to make sure I was really pregnant.

I angrily threw at least the tenth pregnancy test against the wall.

I was really pregnant and angry and sad and confused.

I dropped my head into my hands, which were resting on my knee.

I hated myself for sleeping with Tom. I hated myself for letting Tom shoot Bill. The scene played over and over again in my head.

Saliva collected in my mouth and I noticed a light pull in my throat again. I quickly got up from the toilet, flipped the lid up and threw myself in front of it.

"When will this vomiting finally stop!?" I shouted, annoyed by everything, to at least release a little pressure.

I was simply a wreck.

One week later

The last few days have all been the same. I've actually just been thinking the whole time. Apart from crying myself to sleep every day, throwing up and going through Bill's stuff.

At first I thought of the most unrealistic and absurd things, typical when you are full of pain and think you have nothing left to lose.

I wanted to kill Tom, then myself, but I quickly dismissed that thought.

I didn't go through all this shit to kill myself in the end.

I even considered whether I would just pretend it's Bill's and start a new life somewhere.

But these thoughts also faded quickly. I knew I could never live like that, in a beautiful lie.

After I had calmed down a bit, I was able to think more clearly and I've realized some things that were just too suppressed by my emotions before.

Bill's death still hurts incredibly, but I'm also angry. Angry that he chose for me to be pregnant, angry that he knew he was going to die and leave me alone, angry that he made me fall in love with him.

I've also tried to put myself in Tom's shoes, even though I can hardly believe it, he must really love me. He killed his brother for me without batting an eyelid.

I wonder if he regrets it.

I don't like the idea, but I have to see him again and tell him I'm pregnant by him.

Even though I don't know what will happen next: will I leave Tokyo? Will I keep the child?

Will I stay with Tom?

I giggled to myself, it sounds absurd, but I have to at least try, for Bill.

Peep...

Peep...

Peep...

"Hello?" Ugh, he finally picked up.

"Um...hi." I said into my phone uncertainly, but I didn't know who else to talk to.

"Taylor, this isn't a good time, Tom-" I interrupted him "Yeah, that's why I'm calling... How is he...um so you guys?"

I heard Gustav sigh and a door close. "Shitty." It was quiet for a moment until he continued. "Georg and I - we..." his voice broke and he cleared his throat. "We're trying to deal with the new situation somehow. I don't know exactly how Tom is doing. I only saw him briefly after the... incident. I can only imagine how he's feeling, as he hasn't come out of his room for days."

I processed the information and searched for words that might comfort him. But I realized that it might be a little wierd.

"I'd like to talk to him... could you maybe tell him that?" He didn't say anything for a while and then I heard him exhale.