I Dare You || Reneé Rapp

Follow My Breathing

Imagine a room full of people. You're surrounded but you feel alone and helpless, there isn’t an inch of space that hasn’t been taken up but it feels like you’re the only one in the room.

The heaviness of the air around you is almost suffocating, you're powerless. You start losing feeling in your limbs, you want to collapse to the floor but you can’t. It’s as if there are chains wrapped around your neck holding you up, they start becoming tighter and tighter, your choking and spluttering and grasping at the chains but it doesn't stop, it keeps getting tighter and tighter and tighter.

Imagine the walls inching closer together, forcing every single person in the room to move closer together, there’s a sudden force being applied to your chest, you want to move your hand to where you feel it but you're paralyzed.

You feel pin pricks run down your back, like the feet of a thousand mice scurrying along your skin. Your pulse is banging in your ears, it’s the only thing you can hear clearly, like a jackhammer slamming down harshly on cement, everything is muffled, you can feel it in your head, it's pulsating violently.

A sharp pain shoots through your head and you attempt to close your eyes as tight as you can to ease it but something’s keeping them open. Your heads spinning and your vision blurs, you're dying.

You're dying.

Now instead, imagine a girl, myself, standing in a park. Children are laughing or screaming in excitement, chasing each other or playing make believe. Parents are sitting on park benches chatting idly, keeping one eye on their children, keeping their guard up in case anything happens.

Then there's me, standing like a fool in the middle of it all, my green eyes full of fear and doubt, the wind tousled my raven hair, blowing it in front of my face hiding the emotion undoubtedly showing. To everyone around me I looked normal, like nothing was wrong. Something is very wrong.

Everything I've just asked you to imagine is exactly what's going through my mind.

I’m dying.

God please no, not today, not now, somebody help me please, I’m not ready, it’s not time.

Not yet. Move. Please.

Don’t close your eyes, don’t let it win, fight.

Wait.

No.

Something’s holding me, something has me.

Collapse. Flail your arms and legs, do anything to get it off of you.

Fight, move, get it off of you.

Don’t let it win. I can’t let it win.

But I’m tired.

I’m too tired, I can’t fight anymore, it’s too strong, too resilient.

Just let it win.

...

I heard beeping. It was consistent and irritating, I forced my eyes open and at first it was blurry, the white of the room made it hard for me to focus my eyes and the light pooling in from the open blinds made it no easier. Once my eyes finally adjusted I realised I was in a hospital.

It took me a few minutes to finally comprehend what had happened and my breathing started to pick up again, this time I was able to clutch the hospital gown my clothes had been replaced with.

While I was attempting and ultimately failing to catch my breath a nurse walked in, accompanied by a girl who seemed to be dressed normally. She didn’t look like a nurse and I didn’t recognise her but I couldn't find it in me to focus, I still couldn't breathe.