Queen Of Glass

Chapter 31

Celaena Sardothien swam the length of her bathing pool, pulling hard with her right arm to ease out the tense muscles in her shoulder. She relished in the smooth feel of the water against her bare skin—loved the way she felt weightless and sleek and unconstrained.
It had been three weeks since the duels, and she had recovered wonderfully. The pain of her dislocated shoulder was now but a bad memory and an irritatingly stiff joint. She swam every day to loosen up her muscles and to keep in shape.
It had taken her two days after her encounter with the Minister of Trasien to get herself out of bed and moving again. Since her legs had felt alarmingly weak and useless, every morning she walked the palace grounds with Fleetfoot at her side, sprinting when a wild spirit entered her; but she mostly took to idly strolling and throwing sticks for her canine companion to fetch.
Celaena had a basic routine that she took comfort and strength in. After her morning walk, she'd drop Fleetfoot off in the kennels, and then head upstairs to have breakfast. Following that, she'd either read or visit with Anuksun's parents and brother for a few hours until lunch. Once her noontime meal was finished, she'd meet with the King of Adarlan's council or Madam Tul'rouse for last-minute training and plans for her voyage to Wendlyn. It was only after this that Celaena could find the peace of mind and energy to swim for an hour or so in her thirty-foot bathing pool.

She was swimming awfully late for her normal routine—she had been so busy with the council that she had only arrived in her rooms at sunset. Her boat was scheduled to leave in two days. Just two days.
Celaena was nervous—nervous about many things—and swimming was a way to keep her mind off of those things. Unfortunately, it was not proving to be a good distraction tonight.
She reached the end of the pool and flipped around, swimming hard in the other direction.
I'll be leaving them all in two days.
Just forty-eight hours until escape—escape from this country, escape from its king, escape from everything that constrains me.
Celaena hit the other end and turned back in the direction that she had come.
I can leave them—I can leave them all behind. Arobynn, the king, Adarlan, Chaol, Dorian... Don't think about him.
Dorian DeHavilliard, though their conversation had become increasingly tense, kept in constant contact with her. He'd visit her after dinner or during breakfast, or in any moment he could spare from his duties and obligations. Of course, he didn't read aloud to her any more, but to replace it, he had insisted on dragging her into the game room for hours of pool. Even in the months that she had been in Renaril, the assassin still could barely pocket a ball...let alone hit the cue ball.
Celaena smiled as she took a breath of air.
She always had a good time with the Crown Prince of Adarlan.
No, stop it.
Celaena stroked so hardly with her right arm that a shock of pain went through her. Gritting her teeth, she sought to ignore the thoughts that were entering her head, but failed to do so and instead fought them with others.
Chaol. She had barely seen anything of Chaol since the duels—the Captain of the Guard was overwhelmed with work concerning Kaltain and her scheming plots. He had rarely came to visit her—but when he did, it was with surprising good cheer.
Who will you miss more?
Neither. I'm not going to miss either of them.
Don't be daft. You're going to miss the Crown Pr—
Breathe in. Breathe out. Water. Air. Need air.
Celaena was swimming so hard that she found herself gasping for breath with a raspy throat, breathing every other stroke.
Faster, faster...
Do you remember when he checked to make sure your ribs weren't broken? Do you remember the way his hands felt on your body?
Breathe, just breathe.

Escape...
You liked it—you wanted more.
Just the body. More air...
He's beautiful, he's smart, and he cares about you. What more could you desire?
It frustrated the assassin that the opposite wall of the pool approached her so quickly—she could barely get three strokes in before she had to turn around again.
You know he cares—he cares too much. Remember what he said—remember what he said after Anuksun died? 'You don't belong in this world—you, you and I, we belong somewhere else!' He would have said it then. If you hadn't been so stupid, he would have told you then and there.
No.
You knew then. You knew and you threw him in the dust because you were scared and angry—just like you are now.
It's not true.
You wouldn't have turned away so many times if you knew it wasn't. You know it—you damn well know it. And it terrifies you.
No.
Yes, you idiot! It scares you because you're afraid you might feel the same thing for him. It scares you because you know what it will mean—to you, to him, to the world.
I...I won't believe it.
He's done everything in his power to keep you alive and still you doubt how he feels?
It's not true.
It is true, damn you! You've known it forever—you just kept on pushing it away. You push it away like you push everything away. You pushed away your past, and now you're pushing away your future.
No. It can't be.
But you're getting this one chance now—you're getting one chance to take everything back that you've thrown away. All that you have to do is show him. You know it.
It's not true.
What can't you understand? What can't you believe? Are you that inhuman to comprehend it? Or are you a coward? Will you run from your future like you ran from your past?
I can't let this happen.
He loves you, Celaena.
No.
How can you say that when everything he's done for you—every action, every word tells you that it's true? He loves you, not anyone else.
Breathe...just breathe...