Dream

1.

I felt my chest tighten, this had been going on for months now ever since the accident, the accident at my clinic, the accident in my clinics surgical room, the accident I caused, the person I failed to save was what everyone called an accident but it was not that, it was a tragic event, a trauma, something that ruined multiple people's lives. But it didn't affect mine the way it was supposed to, my clinic was doing fine, my patients family wasn't mad at me. But for some reason going to work, performing more surgeries and going home didn't feel good anymore, I wasn't fine with it anymore, I just get this tight feeling in my chest. I feel tears brew in my eyes every time I'm about to enter the clinic. I wake up every morning covered in sweat from the endless nightmares but I shouldn't be, right? Nothing happened except that accident that I couldn't prevent. At least that's what everyone thinks. That I shouldn't feel guilty. But I can't help it. I was never able to wash the blood of my hands. 

Another day, the same shit. I saw some patients, they all wanted to know what surgery they should get to become more beautiful. I told them honestly what I thought. I didn't have any surgery to do today so I was okay for now. I got some food with my team and then went home. To this empty and dark apartment that my landlord lowers the rent for, every year because I keep buying her things and treating her to drinks. Today I left some fruits at her door and left a note so she knew it was me. I showered and changed into a t-shirt and some shorts and went to bed.  I woke up at 6am and made some coffee, brushed my teeth, did my skincare and then changed into some comfy clothes and went for a jog, then got back home, showered and changed into my work clothes and walked to the clinic since I lived close to it. I got there and instantly started prepping for surgery. I was all set, the surgery started. It went well but I ended in a bathroom stall not being able to breath. I knew this wasn't normal. But what kind of surgeon admits that a failed surgery affected them and they can barely do their job now. What kind of son admits that he can't live the life his parents paved for him. That's not an option for me. Kim Jeonghwan.  

I was constantly getting asked if I was okay by my team, even by my landlord and her daughter. I guess I looked "pale", "tired", "sad" and  something that stood out to me "like your about to disappear". I didn't understand it fully but it felt like someone saw me. But they probably didn't mean it in a caring way. But the thing is that I did disappear that day, not physically but mentally I just wasn't there anymore. I just wasn't able to do it anymore, to try and pretend I failed. But when I came home I didn't give anything to my landlord, I didn't shower, I didn't change and also I didn't go to sleep, I just laid on my bed and cried all night long. It was the end for me. But it felt good to cry. It felt nice not pretending to be okay. But it was all in secret and no one else knew I cried for the first time since I was 7 and fell off a bike. I cried and it felt... nice. 

I went to work, had some patients, didn't have any surgery to do, I went to have drinks with one of the nurses at my clinic she of course  tried to hit on me, I went home but before that I saw someone. Someone I had known long before, someone who I truly didn't know I would ever see again. He was my classmate in highschool, my rival and my first love. He smiled at me. He walked up to me and looked at me for a while. "How have you been, Jeonghwa?" He called me by my name. "Mmm good, how about you, Chanwoo?" He smiled even wider. "Well I just got fired, so I decided to move in with my mom and sister again." I just nodded. "You still working at that weird plastic surgery clinic?" I laughed and shook my head. I felt myself blushing a little. "No, I actually own my own clinic now." He looked shocked but also proud. "It's weird telling someone who just lost their job about my success." But it wasn't. If I hadn't ran into him I would've died in that dark empty apartment from mixing alcohol and any pills I found in my cabinet. So that night Cha Chanwoo saved me. And that's the reason I fell for him again, but it's also the reason I got even worse and pushed myself even more. To prove to him I was happy when I wasn't. But it was a simple dream. Dating him and him being proud of me. It was so simple that I ended up ruining my whole life for it. But the only person I could feel sorry for was me. I was the one getting hurt constantly. 

I wanted something so simple. And I did it. But simple dreams are sometimes harder to achieve than bigger ones.