The meaning of Z

The meaning of joy

—1—

The wind blew in my hair as I ran as fast as I could, looking out for my surroundings as I kept the ball in front of me, kicking it constantly to get the point I had to get.
Sweat came falling down my forehead as I kicked the ball far enough to one of my teammates so they could quickly get it. Once he got it I stood there with my hands on my knees trying to catch my breath that was trying to get away.

I looked up from the green grass, to the crowd in the bleachers cheering for my team to win, I let a small smile form on my face before I heard my name being called to get the ball from our opponent, he had a small dumb grin on his face thinking he was going to get that point.

That grin soon went away as he noticed the ball was no longer with him and was now way ahead of him with me leading it to the way of the net.
'One more point then all of this can be over with..' was my motive to win this game.

As I got closer to the net I decided to take my shot and I brought my foot up then harshly kicked the ball into the white net watching it fall to the ground then it rolls away on the ground. Soon enough everyone hears a loud buzz indicating that we won the match. The crowd starts to cheer along with some boo's here and there from the opposite team.
My team rushed to me with an exhilarated energy, which I had failed to match.

"That's our captain! Always showing who's boss!" number 9 had said as he patted my back more harshly than I would like, but to be honest if he didn't touch me period, I would be so much more pleased with this situation.

I slowly peeled his hand away from my back and turned to him, giving him a small smile that really wasn't genuine as he thinks.

"Thank you Austin, you did great as well." I said in this weird formal way.

He gave me a weird look before putting his grimey hand on my head and messing up my hair with a loud annoying laugh

"Pfft! No need to be so formal with me dude! We are friends not co-workers!"

I just nodded then started to walk my way to the locker rooms so I can take a quick shower then leave to go home so I can finally rest.

By the way....I am not friends with player number 9.

----

I sat down on the bench in the locker room with a towel around my neck after I had just taken a quick shower. I look at the ground only to see the gray tiles and my dirty shoes while the other boys are hitting each other with towels, laughing like they are high on crack.

They are having the times of their lives harming each other, I can't judge too much but at the same time, it's hard to see people having fun with friends, laughing, just being normal teenagers, I could totally do that to, but I don't.

Joy is something I could never truly understand anymore, well not like I used to, before I used to find so much energy into kicking that black and white ball into the net getting a score with a big smile on my goofy young face, running to mom and dad telling them that I did it, I had made a score.
But now when I get the score I feel empty. I feel normal, I don't feel how I used to at eight... Well When I was eight my brother Bryan wasn't a national soccer player.

I don't even enjoy soccer anymore, it's tiring and stressful at this point and all the people on the team are just so... upbeat and wild, and I have to be the captain?

I stayed on the bench thinking about anything and everything , until someone interrupted my train of thought by hitting me on the back of the head with a towel. I made a small screech and put my hand on my head with pain flowing in.

"What the hell!?" I said with a strain in my voice as I turned my head around to see who hit me with the towel, and who did I see? And why am I not surprised on who it is?
Because it's the one and only Cyrus, my best, and only friend.

But moments like this i wish i had zero friends.

"Stop looking at the ground like a damn creep" Cyrus says  as he sat next to me running his hand through his crystal white hair with a sigh.

"Okay? What was the point of hitting me with a towel and most likely making me have internal bleeding?" I said while I hit him with my towel back then I threw it into the dirty towel bin watching his face go from a sly smirk into a frown since I had hit him back.

"Well you were just staring at your shoes with this face making you look like you were watching some interesting things..."  he says with no shame.

Look at him in disgust and roll my eyes.

"No what the hell Cyrus- ... I was just thinking about stuff" I bend down to tie my shoes. As I say this, Cyrus was on his phone scrolling through Instagram but I knew he was listening since he was looking back and forth from his phone to me when I was talking.

"Hm okay...and you did good today. I mean you got the winning point as normal" he said with his normal husky voice and placed his hand on my shoulder with a dry smile.
I shrug my shoulders not knowing what to say or do, I mean I know I do good since I practice a lot and do truly put effort into it but i guess all the 'good job!' or 'you did good out there' is just what I normally get after winning a game, but in my opinion, I just want someone to tell me to just take a break or say that they are genuinely proud of me and aren't just saying that because they feel like they have to.

After a while the team and I finished taking showers, changing into our normal clothes, the team did invite me to get something to eat as a victory treat, but I denied since I had needed to study for my midterm coming up soon, and if I were to fail that my parents would never let me out the house again. Cyrus went with the team since it was a way for him to get free food and he couldn't miss that chance apparently.

-

I soon get to the library and sit down at a table closest to a window. I pull my books out of my bag and place them down on the wooden table.

I sigh as I stare at my math book with a pencil in my hand reading the words on the page even though it is barely making sense to me, I rest my head on my hand looking out the window observing outside when I see a tall boy that looked around my age with a group of boys spending time with each other.

Again with the 'joy' thing, I see the group of boys' with happy faces and carefree auras, not studying, not missing out on group activities, that's what I think joy is: having fun..
Not whatever I've been doing my whole life, just doing soccer for my parents approval. , studying when I could be out there, having a life, but with over controlling parents that won't even let me breathe without their consent it's kinda difficult.
The most overwhelming thing is that I have to deal with a brother that is living his dreams and not stuck at home wondering what is the point of everything? And the thoughts of What will happen in the future when you don't even know the meaning of your own life.

If anything I will probably still be living with my parents when I am forty, without someone I would like to be around, but my parents' old mean dog that would probably kill me if I even looked at him the wrong way.
That's just how it is for me at this point, lost in my own world with nothing to do but wait.