UNFURLING FATE.

To love and to lose.

Madinah.

I had never felt this way in my life, God did a great thing for me by keeping me away from this all my life.

Yet the first chance I got, I threw myself head first into it.

Why? Why? Why?

I had grieved and mourned mommy, and it had been hell. I overcame it knowing that I was never going to see her again. But to have a living person draw your heart out from your chest and shred it to ribbons is a feeling I would not wish on my worst enemy.

I was amazed at my own capacity for self betrayal, images and thoughts of our first meeting played in my head, as well as the first few months of our marriage,

If you are a person who requires some monumental love story, then I suggest you speak to your father and call all of this off...

Being my wife, you will lack nothing. On paper you will have everything, everything asides any form of love and affection...

I am not your Prince Charming, we are not leading a romantic love story and I have absolutely no plans of sweeping you off your feet. Romanticizing me is not going to get you anywhere, it is only going to bring you pain because I have no issue repeating your reality to you over and over again..

He had said all this to me, time and time again. I knew exactly what I was setting myself up for, so why exactly did I believe myself to be special? Why did I think I could change him?

I was just a girl whose naivety had just cost me my heart. Now just like that, Every kiss, every word, every second that I had treasured...ruined. It meant nothing to him.

Laid in bed, I waited up all night for him to come back and tell me that he thought it over. That he didn't mean any of it, that I was worth his love.

He never came.

Not even to tell me to pray fajr, maybe he slept elsewhere. So not only did I shatter my own heart, all the progress we'd made in our marriage was now gone.

For the next few days, I took advantage of the fact that I was supposed to be sick and off work. I stayed in bed all day, only getting up to pray and pray and pray until my knees and back hurt, and then going back to bed to cry and think and cry.

Finally on the fourth day, I stopped crying. I was numb, completely and utterly. I rolled out of bed and took a shower because I stank really bad. I had never been the girl to be lazy to take a shower, even when I was sick, I always took a shower. Now I just did not care. But what good would it cause me laying and crying over a man who gave absolutely no cares about me? A man who did not bother to check up on his wife for the past few days.

He used to care so much for my eating habits, he said he wanted to obliterate the cause of my tears.. how could one stop caring just like that. It was all fair game until I caught feelings??

Was it all lies, or had he meant them and just didn't care anymore?

Two knocks played at my door before it was pushed open, "Good afternoon ma'am, I brought your lunch."

Kate walked into the room and dropped the tray on the bedside table, "how are you feeling?"

"Good." I said groggily to her, clearly not sounding good.

"Shall I draw the blinds?"

I shook my head no immediately, sitting up in bed and having of sip of the water she'd brought with her,

"You have a visitor." She informed me,

Oh God. It was a bit overdue though, i had spoken to maama sarah and replied to ammals text two days ago. They are the people I knew would get worried enough not hearing from me because I speak with them daily, and are capable of taking action by coming to check up on me.