𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄 𝐌𝐀𝐂𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐄; Lander oneshot

Time machine

take your cold hand, cold not because of frozen, but because the life has drained from you.

I kiss the top of it.  You were only 17 years old.  We could overcome this together.  I would help you.  If only you would tell me about your problems.

You lie still.  I saw you alive just a few minutes ago.  At that moment, I never thought I would see you dead.

Your heart doesn't beat anymore.  Mine broke into tiny pieces.  I am filled with bitterness and regret.  I will never hear your voice again, never hear you sing or laugh.  I won't be able to hug you or kiss you.  I won't be able to run my fingers through your purple curls, I won't be able to fall asleep on your lap, I'll never hear you play the piano again.  It all ended wrong.

I imagined our future together, I wanted to have you always by my side, because you are the only person in this cruel world who was able to steal my heart.

I saw the razor cuts on your  hands, I saw how you tried to hide them.  I knew you didn't eat much, and there were dark circles under your eyes from lack of sleep.
So why didn't I bother to ask if you needed help?  Why didn't anyone ask about this?  Were we so blind that we couldn't see what was happening to you?  Does our lack of empathy mean we never cared about you?

Your sisters and mother are crying.  Hailey repeats over and over that her little brother died, that he hurt himself, that she should have stopped it.  I'd like to know what you were thinking as you stood on the edge of the roof, were you thinking about us?  About me and you?  Have you thought that soon you will be free, that all your pain will disappear?  After all, there are no tormentors on the other side, no complexes and a constant feeling of being insufficient.

I kiss your cold lips.  I look deep into your eyes, the emptiness in them scares me.  Did I really think that physical contact would replace an honest conversation?  When you cried,  instead of asking what happened, I took you in my arms and comforted you.  I kept telling you it would be fine, even though I didn't even bother to ask what happened.

I'm taking the clip out of your hair.  The one with the cat that Milli gave you for Christmas once.  I would like to have one of your things with me forever.  I will keep this clip in my wallet and every time I look at it, I will remember the fabulous moments spent with you.  Along with my most wonderful treasure that I was supposed to protect but I messed up.

I'll remember how you taught me to play the piano and how I taught you to play the drums, and how bad we were at playing instruments that weren't our own.  I will remember how we held hands - walking in the park, when the leaves changed their colors to the colors of the setting sun.  I'll remember all the times you smiled.  But now I wonder if the smile was just a cover, so that no one would ask, so as not to disturb anyone.

I can't watch them pack your beautiful body in a black bag.  I can not move.  Tears stream down my cheeks.  I would give anything to turn back time to have you by my side again.  To be able to tenderly tell you that I love you so much and I will never stop.  A time machine would be a miracle.