What hurts the most

Part 1

Part 1:

John:

I'm in a dark place, not just physical but even more so in my mind as I sit here in this lousy  motel room.
Bringing the glass to my lips, I let the dark liquid fill my mouth. The strong taste of the alcohol is making me nauseous but at the same time it numbs the pain and emotions that I'm obviously not capable of dealing with.
If people saw me now in this pitiful state, I'm sure they would shake their heads in disbelief as they realize that I am not the strong and powerful man they thought I was.
I don't even know how long I have been here but judging from the unrecognizable stubbled face staring back at me in the mirror, my guess is that it has been about four days. The empty bottles of whiskey covering the floor reveals that I have been drunk for the same amount of days.
The days are blurry, day and night just the same, only the slight light that escapes through the edge of the blackout curtain lets me know when the sun is up.
I am sad to admit that I have found myself in a similar situation before..many years ago. I was so depressed, so painfully sad and angry that I only saw one was out..only one way to relieve myself from my misery. The cold metal from my gun sent shivers down my spine as I thought about what I had lost....My name..My job...My children...My wife..But she found me just in time to save me from my despair.. My love for her saved me....I would do anything for her.
She had promised to always be my friend and always stand by my side no matter what my name was. And she kept that promise despite the difficult circumstances we faced together during the last 11 years....Until now..
This time I'm not so lucky. I really can't blame her for not showing up here because nobody knows where I am. I have turned off my phone and checked in with a different name, leaving no trace of my whereabouts.
I wonder if she misses me or if she noticed that I'm gone? Oh Marlena...my pretty lady..my savior..my love..what am I going to do? In my heart, she is irreplaceable.

I take another gulp of whiskey, feeling its intoxicating effect surge through my body and clouding my mind. Why am I doing this?
Well, because it's too painful for me to live in a world without her by my side. In the back of my drunken mind I know how pathetic this is..We share a child for god's sake and therefore we will forever be bound together, but that is not enough for me.. I want it all..I want her.. I want us to be a family.
Our sweet sweet Belle. My baby girl who is the product of the deep love and bond we share..or used to share anyway. A forbidden love that couldn't be denied which resulted in her breaking her marriage vows and in the end drove her husband away.
And Brady, my boy..I'm the only parent he's got, aside from Marlena who has taken him in and loves him as her own. What kind of father am I? How selfish am I, to sit here in my self pity and drink my sorrows away and not be there for my children?

My chest hurts and tightens, my heart beats fast and unsteady...Am I having a heart attack or is it just the way it feels when a heart breaks into a million pieces? My heart breaks for our children and the family I promised them we would be.

We used to have this special and unique connection where we could sense or almost physically feel whenever one of us were in trouble, distress or pain. But right now I don't feel her or anything for that matter, maybe it's  because of the alcohol dulling my senses or maybe it's because we have lost that magical connection. The thought makes me sick to my stomach and I wonder if she can feel my distress wherever she might be right now.

I abruptly stand up and almost strip over my own feet as I head for the bathroom.
I don't recognize the man staring back at me in the mirror. It's remarkable how heartache settles in your face. The lines around your eyes become more defined and the spark in your eyes quickly fades away, making you look like you have aged 10 years in just a few days.
I kneel down in front of the toilet and empty my stomach. The bile feels like acid as it passes my esophagus, making tears stream down my face. But these are not just tears from the uncomfortable burning sensation in my throat.

It's been about a month since he suddenly and unexpectedly came back and turned our world upside down. Marlena and I had just found our way back to each other, back to the love we once shared as husband and wife after years of living our lives as friends. Even though we weren't a couple in those years, I loved her with all of my heart.. I was in love with her...She was my everything.
And finally the day came when we were both free and able to express that love.
Our reunion was glorious but unfortunately too short. I was a fool for believing that this time it was going to be the two of us forever and nothing or nobody could come between..Boy..how wrong was I!!

Marlena:

I hear Roman calling my name from my bedroom where he's been resting. I exhale a resigned sigh, as I put down the phone.
I have been trying to get a hold of John for days now and I feel the panic starting to creep into my soul. Where is he? I know that the last month has been so hard on him..on us, but for him to just disappear like this, leaving our children and me without a word, is so unlike him.
I'm beside myself with worry and at the same time, I need to be there for Roman who doesn't know that the day he came back to Salem was the day that John and I were going to get married. So I clear my throat before I yell towards the bedroom upstairs. "Roman..hold on, I'll be there in a minute."

I think back to four days ago when I last saw John. I didn't really see it then but thinking back, there was something in his eyes.. a pain and desperation that I hadn't seen in years. And hopelessness..
I cover my mouth with my hand as it hits me like a brick wall... Something must have upset him so much, caused him so much heartache that he felt the need to disappear.. and now I know that that something is me.

"Oh John..my love..where are you?" I choke out quietly as my heart sinks and breaks for him.

I glance down at my hand and my heart starts beating faster at the sight of the missing ring that, until four days ago, adorned my finger. John gave it to me on the night of our beautiful and long awaited reunion about a month ago. It was the happiest day of my life. The love in his eyes as he proposed to me and told me that he loved me and always had, left me in a state of pure happiness. It still does...but I had to give him the ring back with a heavy heart and an uncertain future. I told him to hold on to it until I was ready to fully give myself and my love to him.
It's ironic really, because I was ready and had been for years but Roman's return changed everything. Not my feelings for John..no never.. I love him so much and so deeply that it consumes my whole being. But right now I find myself so confused and lost about what is the right thing to do. This whole situation is a mess and I have managed to do what I promised John I would never do...push him away and I'm fairly certain he believes that I have pushed him out of my heart as well. Oh my gosh.. I'm such an idiot.

When Roman left three years ago after he found out about my affair with John and realized that Belle wasn't his daughter, it broke my heart. I loved Roman and I fought to save our marriage but he couldn't forgive me and my adultery and ended up leaving me and the children.
I think that deep down he knew that my feelings for John were so deep and overwhelming that I would never be able to forget or suppress them, which Belle is the perfect example of. And now he is back in my life, our lives and I don't know what to do or how to feel about that.

"Doc...Doc!!"

I close my eyes as Roman calls for me again. He is sick and I need to focus on making him better. Maybe it's out of guilt that I feel the need to take care of him or maybe it's just because he is the father to three of my children.

I shake my head to try and clear my mind and then head for the stairs.
I just hope and pray that John is okay. And I really hope that Kristen doesn't take advantage of him in his vulnerable state. If she does...I am not sure the world is ready to see what the perfect and proper Dr. Evans is capable of.