What hurts the most

Part 2

Part 2:

John:

I somehow find the strength to crawl from the bathroom and onto the bed. Maybe this is karma. I left her once in a similar lousy cheap motel to go back to another woman. I was confused, just as she is now, but I knew in my heart that we would end up together eventually, regardless of my hesitation and stupidity back then. She must have felt so lonely, scared and hopeless as she watched me walk out the door, leaving her without any reassurance of a future together. If I could undo my actions back then, I would in a heartbeat. Feeling my own pain right now and thinking about what I put her through is more than any human should ever experience.

The way I'm currently dealing with my heartbreak may seem dramatic to some, but that's because they don't know what Marlena means to me, what she is to me. To understand that, you must know the circumstances of how I came to be part of her life.
When I arrived in Salem back in 1986, I had no name, no past, no identity, no face. I was The Pawn, brought here by a sick and twisted man to cause havoc in this quiet small town. Just try and imagine how scared and confused that must be. When they unwrapped the bandages that covered my face, I had no recognition of the man I saw in the mirror. I didn't trust anyone, not even myself, until I met her. From the moment she entered my hospital room for the first time, I knew that she was special. She made me feel safe, she was my center. She was the ray of light in my darkness and I swore to myself then, that I would do anything to protect her, regardless of what my purpose in Salem was. She was truly my beginning. And ironically, now she might be my end..

She had a life before we met, two husbands and children. Unlike myself..my life began that day 11 years ago when I first met her and shook her hand. I was a blank slate and Marlena was the one who helped me write my story. I never really existed until I saw myself through her eyes.

Now I have to think in terms of a future without her. Just like I had to after our affair 4 years ago when I realized she wasn't going to leave Roman and her marriage. I remember asking her one day at her office if there wasn't something she could give me for the pain, something to ease the enormous ache and agony of loving each other so much, but not being able to be together. I thought alcohol would do the trick, make me numb, make it all go away, but as I feel the effect increase so does the longing for her

I close my eyes and try to shut out the world and shut down my thoughts. If she doesn't find me in this reality maybe she will come to me in my dreams.

Marlena:

"Doc...did you hear me?"

I'm lost in thoughts and concern as I sit in my bedroom and listen to Roman talk. I see his mouth moving and his hand gesture but I don't hear a single word. My body is just an empty shell representing my physical presence and my mind is somewhere else, with someone else.

"Doc..!!!"

"Yes..what did you say?" I shake my head to clear my mind and focus my attention on my ex husband.

"I was just asking you if you would like to go for dinner at the pub tonight?" Roman asks cheerfully, obviously not aware of my lack of attention.

I clear my throat and avoid his eyes before answering. It's not that I'm afraid he will see the worry that I feel radiates from my whole being, but I don't want to see the hurt when I try to make up an excuse for not going.

"Are you sure that's a good idea? I don't want you to overdo it" I answer truthfully.

"I feel great...being home in Salem with my family, being here with you is just the right medicine. Come on Doc, it will be like the old days where..." He doesn't finish the sentence because my phone starts ringing.

"Excuse me.." I say and get up quickly to answer, praying that it is John calling.

"Hello!!" I answer almost breathlessly in anticipation.

"Marlena..it's Abe."

I exhale the breath that was starting to burn my lungs. "Any news?" I ask quietly and turn my back to Roman so he doesn't hear.

"No, I'm sorry. Nobody seems to know where he is. But I had a man follow Kristen. I thought that maybe she would be trying to find him as well...You know the Dimeras, they don't hesitate when it comes to seizing an opportunity. And right now John is vulnerable and I'm sure she will do everything to find him and get her claws on him...So anyway, she has been going to a motel in the outskirts of town for the last two nights. I can't confirm if John is there, but I just wanted to let you know. How is Roman holding up?"

I try to suppress the tears that threaten to break but I'm not successful as I feel a lone tear ticking down my cheek.

"Thank you Abe..Roman is doing better." I say past the lump in my throat.

I hear Abe sigh. "Give him my best and I will keep you updated..!" He says with empathy and hangs up.

I need a moment to gather myself before I turn around and face Roman.
I'm so thankful for Abe. He knows firsthand about the dilemma I'm in, he has witnessed it before. Caught in the middle of two men that I love and have loved for years, just like the last time Roman returned. Although the situation was very different it bears so many similarities. Abe comforted me that day in Mexico in 1991 when circumstances decided that my future was with Roman and John's was with Isabella.
Abe was lucky then...he got to do what I wasn't allowed to..he got to love them both..

"What did Abe want?" Roman breaks my trip down memory lane.

I turn around and plaster on a small smile. "He just wanted to say hello and hear how you are doing." Again, not a complete lie.